You noticed the small details in me.

How you would compliment me when my forehead is crunched due to frustration…
How my eyes would lit up when the food is served.
You emphasized how cute small wrinkles showed up in my weary face while concentrating in my acads… and wishing that I would stay that way in the wavelength of your definition of perfection.
However… these are just the things that romanticizes the whole situation… failing to take notice of my whole being…

You failed to fall in love with my flaws… with my mistakes, with my past.
You never understood me… for in your line of sight there was the perfect me… in your line of thought there was the beautiful me…
Little did you know that I am a beautifully-flawed individual… these blemishes made up my soul, my heart, and my whole being…
I appreciate your perception… on how blind optimism slowly laced your being… however can’t you realize that you are being plagued with lies and deception?
Stop holding on to a fake imagery of mine… and please let me go. Because I don’t want you to get hurt in the process… while the damage is still not plenty, while the symptoms are still at its early onset.
Go back to the safe place where you belong.
3:39am March 20, 2018


Parallel Universe

Maybe in a parallel universe…

both of us would walk the same path…

hold the same warm hands…

whisper the same words.
a concept of reciprocity will begin to exist.

all erratic pain will cease to exist.

Right then and there… all will fall in its rightful place.
Two hearts finally beating as one. 
Beloved.. where are you? 

I am relentlessly waiting.
~ H (March 14, 2018; 1:39am)

p.s. finally got an excuse to post my pics lol. forgive my vanity please 😹

Enduring Heart

The most painful procedure that I won’t easily forget…

It’s not about him not loving me back… I thought that’s the most painful thing I had to endure… I had to get over… I had to go through… But no… 

It’s the procedure of letting the meds go through your bloodstream and you don’t have any choice but to writhe in pain… You don’t have any choice but to endure… You don’t have a choice but to persevere… 

It’s as if all the veins kept begging for mercy… I never thought that such painful procedure exist in this lifetime. This should be tagged as human torture. They said this could help me heal, they said this would alleviate all the sufferings I have experienced…

But why do I feel that such procedure is breaking me? Why do I sense that as soon as they injected that vile thing…. All I can ask is to be with my Maker? 

If you would be asking me basing on the universal pain scale… A number 10 would be an understatement. No amount of words could help me describe the pain I have experienced. 

Here I thought, emotional pain outweighs the physical pain I have encountered but I am clearly wrong with this fact. 

Here I am again, questioning… Why do I have to go through with all of this? Have I done so many bad things in this life and finally the universe are getting back at me? 

I can’t remember doing any cruel things that I have done that cost me such grave punishment. 

Such procedure exhausted my whole being. I wanted the world to be quiet for a little while. 

I wanted someone to tell me that I have done quite enough to continue… I wanted someone to lie to me… Telling me that everything will be fine, that everything will be alright. 

I wanted someone to tell me that my suffering is done… And reassure me that it’s time to go home. 
~ H (November 3, 2017; 8:40pm)

Look what I found.  A prized gem… a rare entry wherein I poured my heart out because of that freaking procedure last year. Never thought that such pain exist to haunt us. 


Pleasee find yourself.

If you still failed to look for yourself…

Then please allow yourself to be found.
If these two things still failed.

Then get lost..

Get lost in my eyes.. in my world, in my universe.
Let’s both get lost and not be found.

Because in you I found me. In me, you found you. 
~H (January 3, 2018; 3:27pm)


“Am I not enough? You know, you could rely on me too”

I stepped closer to him and held his gaze for a long time.

“You have always been more than enough for me… but I don’t know if I am enough for you too…

If I am able to fill in the empty gaps… If I am able to provide warmth for both of us that could last a lifetime…

I am scared to lose you, to lose all of these beautiful things.”

~H (January 30, 2018; 11:11pm)

  • Not my initial composition because my stupid-self showed up and accidentally pressed delete in my notepad… I know that the first one I did was the best one compared to this. Don’t worry… more or less they have the same context.

Last Night

I have experienced the most excruciating pain last night. It’s as if it tore my heart out from limb to limb… 

It’s as if my life was slowly sucked from my physical body… ceasing all human functions, hindering all simple tasks. Pain… just pure pain coursing through my veins.

Last night… Last night was totally different. I thought I have already experienced the most painful wave of pain that is deemed to be rated as number 10 based from the universal pain scale. But last night… even number 11 was an understatement. If only I could rate it beyond the universal pain scale… I would have rated it to 100. The pain was sudden, gradual, and will leave you paralyzed for a few hours.

Last night, only tears were shed. Last night, the most sincerest prayer were uttered. Last night, it felt like heaven has become much closer compared with other previous attacks. Last night, I would have gladly chosen death before anything else. 
The pain was truly remarkable… it surpassed all my set expectations, beliefs, and even my terribly high standards. It broke the guiness’ book of records… and with this information I am beyond scared with grief.

I am scared. 

Scratch that… saying scared would be an understatement… stating I am terrified with this new growing pain inside of me is really an understatement.

I  am not scared because my days are numbered. 

I am not scared if death would be knocking at my doorstep. No.

I am frightened to go through all this pain again, quietly writhing in pain so your family wont hear you… I am frightened to go through that pain… alone again.

I am scared of leaving this world alone. 
My time may have a few drops of sand left… and I know that my clock has not chimed its last rhythm. I hope and pray I would be able to live the rest of my remaining time with a peaceful and healthy heart. 
Besides, I know and believe that up there.. someone I love will dearly welcome me with open arms. 

and a familiar voice will eventually say
“You made it, Hazel. No more fear and no more pain.” 

~ March 8, 2018; 12:21am

Needing you

“That’s the thing for most people,

they are only there when they needed you…

They remember you when they needed you the most.”

So please, don’t use me. I  am not an object nor a material thing that is meant to be used. For I am as human as I can get, I also feel deep emotions that tarnish my whole being.
~ H (March 1, 2018; 9:43pm)


How does one escape death?

How does one cope with this immense stress?

How does one continue their life as if nothing tragic has ever happened?

How do you deal with brokenness? With all the shattered pieces? With all these tremendous pain?

My heart already has its glitches… its deformities, and inferiorities… It cannot take another beating again.

That’s the thing about death… they only ruin you and leave you devastated one’s it has served its purpose.

What a cruel world we live in.

Heaven gained another angel today. 

May your soul rest in peace.

~H (February 14, 2018 3:03am)

p.s. sorry for a very unparalleled composition. my thoughts are incoherent and my mind is in a chaotic state right now.