I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

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**Me trying to start the conversation**

“Hey, how are you?”

*deletes*

“Hope you’re doing fine!”

*deletes*

“Don’t overwork yourself, learn to rest”

*deletes*

“I miss you. Despite the fact that you have forgotten me, but I understand… who am I to demand a portion of your time… devote it to your rest… you deserve some sleep”

*deletes*

“I love you, and will always will. There’s no one who has occupied my mind recently… except you.”

*deletes*

“I hope you’re okay.. coz I am not. I’m a mixture of chaos and mess… I need you to hold me. I need your reassuring words to keep me going”

*deletes*

“Did you even love me? Or is this me overthinking again… assuming again. Why do I feel that someone has finally occupied your weary heart?”

*deletes*

“Why are we drifting apart? The distance is exponentially increasing… your presence is fading”

*deletes*

“I am tired, I just want you to hold me… I know you’re tired too… let’s uplift one another” 

*deletes*

“I hope you’re having a blast… while I drown myself to these limitless acads that’s been zapping out the majority of my health and energy”

*deletes*

“I hope you take care of yourself… I will always continue to pray for you.”

*deletes*

“Thank you for the memories… for our short infinities… why can’t this temporary world have permanent things and moments?”

*deletes*

“Messaging you was no use. Sorry for being such a bother… for being such a burden… I don’t want to take most of your time… because I know your whole being is tired too”

*deletes*

“I hope you’re okay… I hope I’ll see you soon, I’ve forgotten how your face lights up when you smile… I’ve forgotten your beautifully-flawed features… I’ve forgotten your warmth… I’ve forgotten your voice…”

*deletes*

“Where are you? Where were you when I am hurting? Naaah, who am I to demand your presence…”

*deletes*

“I hope you’re happy… all I ever wanted is to have a smile plastered in your face… your whole being deserves something like that”

*deletes*
*deletes everything.. closes the chat box.. turns off my phone*
p.s. My thoughts are incoherent… I am going to regret that I posted this. Maybe, this fever and colds are the main culprit why I am like this… or  maybe the meds are starting to kick in. Thank God someone created sleep-induced meds… so I would have a short escape from the harsh reality that I am in. Let’s call it a day. I am tired. 
~ H (October 15, 2017; 8:37am)

The heaven gained another angel… 

Death has always been inevitable.

That’s the thing about death…
It’s unexpected. 
and… 

unexpected things hurt like hell. 

I could still remember that moment.  I could still hear the ambulance’s siren. Everything’s a blur..  I don’t know if its a dream… when they are trying to revive you. When the people you loved have exhausted all their efforts just to keep you alive. 

I could still recall the doctor’s proclamation. 

“Time of death, 1:16am” 

Maybe, that’s the thing about deaths…
Your whole being also gets sick, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially…

To be honest, it is quite exhausting. At the same time… all I can feel is numbness. 
I am scared for myself. Maybe this is my defense mechanism. Maybe this is how I cope.

I wanted someone to hold me… to tell me that everything will be okay. I wanted someone to hug me… because your warmth matters…
 
I am so tired of pretending that I am okay, where in fact I am not. 

I wanted to be vulnerable to someone… to be free… to show him my flawed features. I wanted someone to be my support system. Because to be honest, all the piled-up stress are eating me alive. 

I kept saying that it’s okay not to be okay. But this is the exact statement I’ve been yearning to hear…

Right now, I’m drowning myself with all the acads requirements. You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning. 

To be honest, I am tired. 
Tired with life, with school, with my sick-self, with love… with everything. My whole being and my weary soul are standing by the edge of the knife. 
One wrong move, one wrong step… 

I might slip… I might fall…

I am this close to giving up. 

Anyways… to our Lola… well done. Maybe God saw your pain.. He saw your sacrifices… and this time… He finally ended your battle. The cancer might have won… but you’ve earned a place in heaven. May you rest in peace… with gladness in your heart. You will surely be missed. Our memories will be plastered in my heart… forever. 

The question that has been haunting my mind lately…

When will God see my pain, my sadness, and my sacrifices? 

No one knows… no one knows, except the author of my life. 

~ H (October 15, 2017; 2:51am)

To be honest…

Despite the negativity that embraced me yesterday… because of the things that I have realized and witnessed. 
I am still thankful for the shortest moments that we had. I would still store it in my long-term memory. I would cherish it with every beat of my heart. Because… to be honest. I’ve missed you. 

I miss you. Your voice, your eyes, your smile, your reassuring words, your hugs… your warmth. Your whole being. 
You being there changes everything. Even though it’s only brief. Even though it didn’t mean anything to you. 
Even though deep down… I know you are there for someone else.. 
deep down.. I know you are really not there for me…
Who am I to demand or ask for something? 
Ugh, I hope these emotions that I have been constantly feeling will end soon. I wanted to be free… I wanted to be happy. 
~H (October 11, 2017; 9:41am) 

Sleep

Lastly, before I forget about writing this.
I thank God that He created ‘Sleep’. 
These are the moments where all my problems cease to exist in my weary mind. Any thoughts about you were laid down in my repressed lane. Only nothingness and darkness welcomed me with open arms.
I find this ironic that darkness and nothingness seems so soothing to my weary soul.
At times when sleep embraced my whole being… I am comforted arbitrary thoughts that are not highly related to you… only light thoughts consume my weary mind.

But when sleep ended its cycle and I would be woken up by my reality… I can’t help but sigh… 
For I am yet again… going to face and battle the thoughts lurking in the deepest parts of my tired mind. Thoughts about you. 
How does one exclude any thoughts about you? Maybe you know the secret… please tell me.
Please help me cope… please help me forget… Please let me be happy… that’s the least thing you can do for me. 
~ H (October 11, 2017; 3:20am)
p.s. ughh hopefully my lasy entry for today… I am so tired. *yawns again*