A nameless piece…

It’s already half-passed nine in the evening and here I am drowned with thoughts about you… I am scared, I am frightened and such heavy rain does not help with the raging emotions I constantly faced. Even though I am under these heavy covers to give me warmth, why do I still feel cold? Even though my sister is with me, why do I still feel alone? 
This rain is not doing any good for thunders and lightnings aren’t my healthy companion. The sound of pouring rain against the roof is the scariest thing that I have to go through right now. Cold sweats began to emerge in my forehead. Where are you? Where were you when I needed you most? I needed your warmth, I needed your embrace… I needed your soothing words to calm all the anxieties within me. I needed you.. 
When exhaustion finally consumes my inner fears that I am struggling, that’s when I realized that in your world I am non-existent. In your world I am nothing…
So that’s why let me just rant all these feels here. Anyways, you’ll never even know that it is you that I am talking about. You’ll never even know that I have fallen in love with you, you’ll never even know that all these articles are for you. I don’t even know if you’re reading this… I am just hoping and praying that such feels will pass by like a blur, for it hurts too much. Part of me is wishing to have an amnesia so I could forget about you but a part of me is still holding on.. still hoping that maybe time will come that you would look sideways.. That time will come that you’ll eventually gaze at me and realize that I am the one. 
[charot HAHA~ H (June 25, 2017, 9:47pm)] p.s. I didn’t have any idea on what would be a great title for this heart-wrenching piece.. so just went with ‘a nameless piece’. 


You failed to see me…

You failed to see me

How the light inside me constantly illuminate the darkest depths of my heart. My heart started warming up again as soon as I realized I am falling for you.. however, now it’s starting to become frigid.
You failed to see me

How my smile shined the brightest when I constantly look at your galaxy-like eyes. Eyes that are able to give warmth, eyes that are able to thaw my ice-like heart. I realized that this is my home, this is where I belong.
You failed to see me

How I am trying my best for you to notice me. 

Then negative realizations dominated my weary mind. Telling me that I am the most average out of all the averages. I am a simple girl who isn’t easily noticed and easily forsaken. 
You failed to see me 

How I try to be caring to you. How I constantly  reminded you that an average human needs to eat, how animals even knows how to rest, how I try to impress healthy living on you.
You failed to see me

How I constantly pray for you, how I continuously ask the Lord to supplement you with endless immunity and renewed strength for I know that you needed it more compared to me.
You failed to see me 

How I try to put a very strong front when facing you. How I try to be invincible despite my weaknesses and flaws. I wanted to show you that you can count on me. I wanted to let you know that I am here for you.
You failed to see me

How my gaze never leaves you. How my peripheral view are so focused on you, on your actions, on your words.. on everything. I am constantly looking at you with eyes of adoration, a biased persective that never stops looking at you in awe. 
You failed to see me

Simply because you were so focused on one thing. You were so focused on someone.. you were so focused on her. 

Your judgement is clouded and your peripheral view is blocked.

This is the reason why you failed to see me. 
Nevertheless, you may have failed to see me, at least I am still blessed that I can still freely see you. 

~H 12:16am June 22, 2017

I needed someone…

I needed someone to tell me to stop loving him. I needed someone to tell me to stop expecting, to stop yearning at the thought of him. I needed someone to crash my spirits so as not to keep my hopes up.  I needed someone to yell at me that I am heading in the wrong direction, that the path I am taking isn’t the path for me. I needed someone to wake me up in my senses that my sense of sight shouldn’t be devoted solely for seeing him, that my sense of hearing isn’t devoted for his voice, that my sense of smell isn’t devoted for his scent… I needed someone to advise me that things will not be okay if I continue… that things will not end very well like I expected it to be. 
I needed someone to wake me up in this frenzy state… I needed someone to constantly bicker me that he doesn’t feel the same way I did, that he doesnt love me genuinely. I needed someone to feed me with endless thoughts that we are not meant to be, that he isn’t my other half that can make me whole. I needed someone to whisper in my ears that things will not go as planned, that this isn’t the way how my life would go on.. I needed someone to order my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit that any thoughts of him are poison that could engulf my whole being. I needed someone to direct my life that I deserve more than the love I freely give… that I deserve more than an unrequited love. 

However, I also wanted someone to feed me with false hopes and with lies that the two of us were fated by the stars. That all the constellations cleared our paths for us to meet. For I still yearn for his voice, for his reassuring smile and for the warmthness he freely give through his power hugs. I wanted someone to tell me to take the risk, to enjoy life that is ahead me. I wanted someone to encourage me that my days are numbered and should spend my precious days dreaming, believing, and hoping for him. I wanted someone to comfort me with words that things will go as planned, that everything will work out in time… that everything will be okay. I wanted someone to instill a positive perspective in me that he might be the one that I have been waiting.
But then, our wants are different from our needs. I realized that our ‘wants’ are things that we selfishly aimed without thinking of the other party. I have failed to realize that his heart was already set for someone else that is why some things are needed to be done, and limitless contemplation and heart-shattering decisions should follow.  It is hard to condition one’s heart, soul, and mind but it can happen. I’ll try to make it happen. For I also needed saving, I need to save myself from you. 

~ H (June 27, 2017, 9:27pm) 

I cried today… 

I cried today…

Not with the reasons that you’re thinking. I cried because of my acads, I felt that it’s me against the world. It is so ironic that I am promoting a ‘Feed HOPE’ program but it feels that I need to be also immersed in this intervention. 
I cried today…

for I felt that all the worries of the world are in my shoulders. I felt that I am hopeless in this hopeful world. I realized that I am at the brink of my sanity and I know anytime soon I am going to lose it. I realized that I’ve reached my limitations, that I also get tired, that I also lose hope. 
I cried today…

because I thought I am in control with things. Then I realized that sometimes things will not go the way you planned it. I realized that it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, that I also need to go through with this to make me stronger. 
I cried today…

because I feel so alone today. Comforting words and friends were there to my rescue but it seems that their words are not passing through my mind and not sinking in to my heart. 
But did you know that…

I smiled today…
because I realized that sad things won’t stay forever… that pain is just a temporary thing. I realized that I have a family that could back me up, and friends who wont get tired bickering you with positive things. 
I smiled today…

because I realized that I am so blind to not see that God is with me. I failed to realize that He is in control, that He holds the ignition to my life, that He holds the pen to my story. 
I smiled today…

for the warmthness of all your hugs gave warmth to my frigid heart. It gave me an assurance that everything will be okay.. that I will be okay.
I laughed today…

because of the simple things. It was such a timely and rare occurence to get to hear your friends’ voices from the recording… to know that you have such friends for keeps. 
I laughed today…

for I realized that everything is a matter of persective. You choose your own happiness and sadness.

And right now although this may sound abrupt and downright impossible… but now I am going to try to choose happiness. 
~ H (June 29, 2017; 10:38pm) 

She sighed heavily…

She sighed heavily as she knew this moment would not last forever. 
She knew that you have a different rhythm, a different beat, and a different flow that no matter how many times she tried, she would not fit in your heart. She knew that you are holding a different chess piece, a different key and unfortunately it does not much hers. 
She looked at the bright moon and heavily sighed again, for she realized that she is not your moon nor the stars that light up your night sky.  She knew that she is not your sun that could light up your day nor the clouds that could shade you under the blistering sun. 
She knew that there is someone else, someone far better than her. At least she knew, at least she knew… 
However nothing could ever prepare her for what was about to come, no matter how many times she will be reminded that your heartbeat is beating for someone else, she will still yearn for you, she wil still look after you, and she will still love you even though it hurts. 
So there she sat under the moonlight, breathing in the cold night air and letting the raindrops of late summer rain intertwine with her years of heartbreak. 
~ H (June 25, 2017, 10:32am)