Buti ka pa…

Buti ka pa…

Masaya, walang bahid na may pinagdadaanan, walang bakas ng poot na nakaraan…
Buti ka pa…Maligalig, tila’y kalungkutan ay wala sayo
samantalang ang lumbay ng aking puso di na napawi…

Buti ka pa…

Walang nararamdaman na kaguluhan sa isip, pagod na ako kakaisip sayo, pagod na ako kakagawa ng mga tula… pagod na akong magmahal sayo…

Buti ka pa…

may mahal sa buhay. Buti ka pa.. may nagmamahal sayo. Kailan kaya darating ang araw na mamahalin din ako gaya ng pagmahal ko sayo?

Buti ka pa…

walang sakit na nararamdaman. Ang sakit pala magmahal. Di man lang ipinagbigay-alam na ganto pala kasakit, edi sana di ko nalang tinuloy.

Buti ka pa…

Kaya mong ipagpatuloy yung takbo ng buhay mo… palimos ng kalakasan, palimos ng kagalingan, palimos ng kaligayahan.

Buti ka pa…

Di mo nararamdaman ang pinagdadaanan ko. Wala kang kamuwang-muwang sa nangyayari sa utak ko at sa puso ko.. tila’y bibigay na yata to…
Kaya, itigil na natin ito.

Tulungan mo akong magmove on.

Nakakatawa na nakakainis isipin na di naman naging tayo pero magmomove on ako.
Pero, ito lang ang makakatulong sakin ee. Ang malaman na di mo ako mahal. Ang marinig yung masasakit na salita na hindi ako yung para sayo. Ang mapagtanto na wala naman talagang tayo kahit kailan…

Ilang salita ba kailangan mo? Feel ko naman di mo kailangan ng isang talata para dito. Feel ko kaya na ng tatlo o anim na salita dito..

“Di kita mahal”

“Hindi ikaw yung hinahanap ko”

“Hindi ikaw yung para sa akin”

“May mahal akong iba”

Ganon ba kahirap sabihin ito?

Tulungan mo naman ako.
Kasi ako, pagod na akong umasa.. pagod na pagod na ako sa mga taong kakasabi sakin na wag akong umasa. Ilang beses ko ng narinig yang linyahan na yan sakanila. Kaso iba pa din pag galing sayo. Ayaw makinig ng puso’t isipan sa pinagsasabi nila sa akin na wag kong ituloy itong pagmamahal sayo, na wag akong umasa.. ngunit… labas din sa tenga yung pinagsasabi nila.

Feel ko mas makikinig yung puso’t isipan ko sayo. Mas maniniwala sila sa mga salita mo ┬ása boses mo, sa pananaw mo.

Please lang, ng matigil ko na din ito. Napagtanto ko na napakalinlang ng puso at ng isip.

~H (August 31, 2017; 10:46am)

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You

All efforts went to the trash bin…
All attempts of distancing myself away from you can be compared to a losing battle.. to a failure.

It only took me one click, it only took me two words… two freaking words to break my composure.. to break all of these repression…

I don’t know anymore if ignoring you or repressing all these thoughts about you was a good thing. I don’t know if listening to their advice was a good thing. I don’t know anymore.

Everything reminds me of you.. every move I make, every action I do.. it all boils down to a thought or a memory of you…

How do I exclude you from my memories, from my thoughts?

~H (August 30, 2017; 10:50pm)

<Inner thoughts>
I just got home from a very long walk.
Instead of riding a jeepney and two tricycles… I chose to walk.
My brother told me I’m crazy. How could I possibly do that?
Well, that’s what you do to cope with this tremendous stress and sadness that are eating me alive.

 

Alone

I hope everything will be okay…
I hope everything will be alright…
I hope everything will be fine….

I need someone to comfort me with such words,
to shower me with warmth since this coldness has froze yet again, my thawing heart.

It’ll be hard to thaw a heart like this, it is probable, but next to possible… It’ll be difficult.

Why do I feel so alone in this world filled with seven billion people?
Why do I feel that I am blessed to carry the burdens of this world has offered me?
Why do I feel that I am privileged to have the ability to feel everything all at once.
It’s overwhelming.. it’s tiring, it is quite draining.

It is so ironic to have to use such positive words to describe the negative aspects of my life right now.

Why do I have to carry this on my own?
Why do I have to endure this alone?
Why do I have to face this alone?
Why is ‘alone’ even a word?
Who created such a cruel and lonely word?

Where are the people who loved me? People who still loves me?
People who still cares? People who are still concern with my well-being?

I am tired.. I need your hugs and embrace..
I need an escape..an escape from this cruel world, an escape from this negativity that has been eating me alive…

I am tired.. come and carry me together with my heavy burdens..
I don’t know what to do anymore…
I don’t know what to feel anymore…

This time, I am not only admitting defeat…
This time I am raising not only the white flag…
This time, I am also surrendering my broken soul and weary heart.

 

~H (August 30, 2017; 5:43pm)
“But somebody owns you now…”

I hope you know…

Despite all the things that they have said..
Despite the fact that you didn’t even loved me in the first place…
Despite all the negative things and statements they have been throwing at me about you…

 

I still love you..

I still do..

I hope you know that.

Even though I needed to love myself.. even though they kept instilling that self-love is the key to this illness that got me… I would still choose to love you… despite the pain, despite the hurt that has been eating me alive.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:56pm)

 

 

Everything suddenly makes sense

Everything suddenly makes sense…

Everything suddenly makes sense… everything suddenly adds up… all my theoretical assumptions has been proven and supported by reliable sources.

It hurts that such thoughts of mine has been backed up with citations that can be deemed by the APA administration to be acceptable. It hurts to know that all my overthinking and constant panic thoughts were all true.

They broke the sad news.. the unfortunate news that I have been dreading to hear.. finally, someone yet again crashed my spirits… someone finally broke the ice, someone finally bluntly stated that I am not the one you are yearning for…

I am not the reason of your smile, of your admiration, of your inspiration… it hurts. It freaking hurts.

They told me that I need to stop expecting.. they told me to stop investing my time on you.. they told me to move on… to repress all of these things.

HOW?

Every distance I make hurts like hell… every stride I make away from you are torture to my whole being.

I wish all of this is just a nightmare… I can’t wait to wake up from this torturous and deep slumber… It hurts, everything hurts…

Here I thought I am going to be sent to the ER again, because the heaviness of my heart can’t be contained by my physiological being…

Where are the people who said they will never leave? Where are they when I needed them most? I needed saving from everything that this world has embraced me.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:43pm)

Jusko, mahirap ba akong mahalin?
Ayaw ko na.
Pagod na pagod na ako.

Thoughts at JCO

How?

How can I focus on studying when all I see is you? All I think about is you? Why does the world have to be this cruel? Why does fate kept on playing these painful tricks on me, on us?

 

It hurts…

I’m confused, I’m terrified, I’m scared, I’m depressed, I’m broken.

They said that the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am imprisoned? Why do I feel that I am locked with heavy shackles and thick chains?

They said the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am drowning? Why do I feel like I am suffocating?

I thought things will get better… I really thought I am going to feel better? What’s happening? Why is it so hard to love and be loved?

Could someone help me in this misery of mine? I need saving from this too much negativity..

 

If this is love…

Is this love? To be constantly broken and torn into infinite pieces?

Is this love? To be constantly put into a pedestal with harsh and angry movements?

Is this love? To be constantly thrown into the eye of the hurricane, to the heart of the storm?

I am tired… I am sick of any of this.. I also get empty, I also get tired… I am still a human being that is susceptible to pain.. susceptible to despair… susceptible to the harsh reality and cruelty of this world that has to offer.

If this is love, I suddenly don’t want it.

~H (August 30, 2017; 4:32pm)

 

Can’t focus on studying.
Can I wish for an amnesia right now?

 

Another Nth Entry

Last night, confusion struck me like lightning…
It slowly crept up to me like an unwanted visitor… 

Someone crashed my spirits again, someone finally broke the silence, someone finally said the right words I have been expecting yet so afraid to hear.

It hurts.. why does it have to be that way? Why do they have to continuously let me realize that I am not the one? I know they love me, I know they are concern.. however, why can’t they just allow such simple and little things? I don’t care if its temporary, I dont care if its not genuine, I dont care if I am an nth option.. I am happy.

However, as they constantly let me realize such sad things, I started second-guessing myself. I started doubting him, his intentions  his motives… his heart. 

Flashbacks and realizations hit me like a ton of bricks and a raging storm. 

It hurts… it hurts.
The pain in my chest is foreign to me. This is a different kind of pain. They said that the only remedy for this is through time. 

For how long? for how long? When the sun finally freezes? When the world finally attained peace? I am tired, I am tired.

What’s wrong with me? All I ever wanted was to love and be loved in this world enveloped with pain and suffering.

Maybe I’ll get to attain this in my next life. Maybe I’ll get to attain this in heaven when the sting of death, pain and sickness are absent. 

So now, I don’t know what to do. 
Will I follow their advice and repress all of these? Or will I foolishly follow my heart and go with the flow? 

I already know the ending, I already know where to put the period in this paragraph, in this sentence. It’s just a matter of what pain would I choose to go through… 

The pain of helplessly loving you..
Or the pain of moving on? 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:47pm)

Painful Flashbacks

It’s now 11:36pm, the exact time yesterday where I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. 

at 9:57pm
Different kinds of emotions kept barging in my weary mind and my weary soul. This is the exact moment where I feel so hopeless. My hands are tied, chained… the lock thrown at the very depths of the sea. 

at 10:08pm
My mind is in chaos, my heart is a mess. I think I am going to explode any minute now. The uneasiness stayed within me, I believe that fresh tears are going to fall any second now. My throat hurts, I am trying to choke back all the tears, all the sadness, all the frustrations, all the regrets… I just can’t breakdown in a coffee shop, what would people think of me? 

at 10:20pm
I decided to pour my heart out to someone. I seldom do this because I dont want someone to be burdened. However, such situation was too much to bear. I realized that I have my limitations. I realized that despite the program or major that I have, all of these seemed helpless when faced in that certain situation. It’s hard to reassure someone’s worth when their life depends on it. My heart literally dropped. I really thought I am going to lose someone. 

at 10:23pm
I then decided to take a walk. I took the longest route possible. From Philplans to my house. I don’t know what got me. As soon as I started walking, fresh tears began to immerse from my eyes. 

at 10:34pm
I stopped walking, I feel like I am in a movie scene. Where’s the director? The rain is starting to pour… I am waiting for the director to say “Cut!” so that these emotions would somehow halt for a few minutes. I am tired, I am such a failure. Despite all those readings about diagnostic and assessments in psychology, why can’t I apply it in this scenario? I failed not only as a psychology student, but as a bestfriend. 

at 10:40pm
I still haven’t moved from this same spot. I am still crying. Lord, where were you when I needed you most? Why do people kept on wanting to end their lives while here I am… desperately trying to survive the everyday struggles life has continuously offered me? I find this ironic at the same time so unfair. Why cant these people see what life has to offer to them? They are beyond blessed for they are not tied down with endless hospital visits and limitless meds. They are beyond blessed to not have to worry if their heart is still beating tomorrow… 

at 10:43pm
I started walking again…I realized I still need to get home. This is the exact moment where I need a hug. A hug that could embrace the life out of me… a hug that would reassure me that I did great, that I managed to survive today’s test. I needed shoulders to cry on…

This time, as I walk.. my face is still covered with tears… How do you tell your tears to stop flowing? This time I did not mind what people would say… they are eventually gonna talk, they’ll eventually make up scenes or scenarios on what would be the cause of a brown-haired girl crying while walking in this soft drizzle.. 

at 10:50pm
I feel so alone. Despite this huge crowd… why do I feel so alone in this world filled with 7 billion people? All of a sudden… only numbness is what I feel. This is good, this is good. I can’t face my family right now when my heart isn’t okay, when my whole being is wrecked.

at 11:12pm
I can finally see my home from a distance. I decided to check myself by looking at my reflection from my neighbor’s car. I hope I looked fine… I am a pretentious being… I believe I can do this… I can pretend to be okay.

at 11:15pm
I went straight to take a bath. Got sermoned by my mom and reminded me that umbrellas exist. She said I looked like a lost puppy from a wet dumpster. 

at 11:36pm
I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. I needed a happy distraction. I needed to repress all the memories of today. 

at 12:02am, 
Negativity is slowly fading away. 

I may not have the strength to write about happy things today. But I am beyond grateful for your presence. For not leaving… for listening… for everything. 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:17am) 

** started writing this yesterday, August 23, 2017; 11:36pm ** 

I wonder…

I wonder whose hands would constantly help me lift up at times where I tripped and fall into deep despair… hands who are ready to wipe away the tears from my eyes…

I wonder whose voice would I hear when this world has constantly embraced me with cruelty and negativity.. a soft gentle voice that could put me into sleep when the world is too much to bear…

I wonder whose ears would be ready to listen to all my rants and all my anxieties.. ears that are also willing to listen on how my day went…

I wonder whose eyes would look at me the way Jack looked at Rose, and the way Fidel gazed at Stella… eyes who sees your true self but still wants to embrace all your flaws and blemishes…

I wonder whose lips would kiss my forehead and reassure me that everything will be okay, that I would be okay…

I wonder whose shoulders would I lean on when I am tired with the constant battle with life… shoulders who are willing to support me when I fell asleep…

I wonder whose arms would I run and fall into if I had my breakdowns, arms that are strong enough to carry me when exhaustion fully consumes my inner being…

I wonder who would it be in a room with everyone I have ever loved…
I wonder… I wonder…
The thing is… will I continuously wonder about this? Does such person ever exist? 
~ H (August 23, 2017; 1:31am)