I don’t know what title should I be using to fully capture what I will be writing for today.
As soon as I got home, I immediately opened my laptop and started writing. Sorry, my sentences might turn out to be so random, and this piece of writing might be terribly long and incoherent… So if you don’t have the heart to read such dramatic post, please exit your browser haha.
Ugh, I don’t know why I am discouraging you to read this… Part of me is scared of spilling all the negative thoughts that has been haunting me these past few months, thoughts I wouldn’t have the heart to share with everyone.
So please… if you don’t like teenage drama and all… please click the “x” button above. Or if you are too stubborn and would still push through… you have been warned. In any case, who reads this anyway? haha
Thoughts bombarded my weary mind, it has been a looooong day.
Here I thought, watching Love You to the Stars and Back (LYSB) was a good thing.. or is it?
This movie stifled a lot of emotions inside me, it made me laugh and cry my heart out at the same time. I don’t even know that this is possible. A lot of people may view this movie as something that is hyped and too mainstream… but let’s not focus on their perspective, I won’t even focus at the actors background, I wouldn’t even make a movie review..
For the first, this writing piece would be about me and how this movie speaks to me. (Or is it?)
I was able to empathize with Caloy (Joshua Garcia), not the kind of empathy where I have cancer and all, but the kind of situation that he has been going through in the movie.
To be honest, these past few months I perceived life as something that is greatly unfair towards me. At first, I am the Caloy who has this happy and carefree attitude of not letting this illness take over my life. I’ve been there, it is so freeing to have this kind of mindset and attitude to be exceptionally positive in all things. However as the trials began to grow heavier and my days began to grow longer…I realized that maybe, the ‘self’ that I am projecting was only a facade.
Tough trials tossed me as if I am in the middle of an eye of a storm. Through this process, all my pretentious-self was suddenly disclosed. All forms and types of concealment that I managed to cover my damaged-being have lost its purpose. This time, (Although I have constantly declared that I admit defeat) it’s different.
For the first time, someone is acting they way I have been acting lately…
For the first time, somebody said the right words I have been yearning to say…
For the first time, somebody expressed my thoughts that has been eating my mind away..
That somebody is Caloy…
It hurts to feel everything and nothing all at once..
It hurts to hear the statements that has been constantly the voice inside my head.
At the same time, it has been reassuring too.
To know that someone has been going through the same pain, sadness, and burdens that I have been going through.
Caloy’s line struck my heart like lightning…
At times, I wanted to tell my parents and loved ones that this battle that I have been going through is so tough that I wanted to rest with the Maker of the heavens soon.
(Side note: One time, mom accidentally read my journal entry regarding my physical struggles, she immediately cried and prayed for me… wishing she could switch places with me, that’s the time I promised myself to not show any signs of struggles that I have been going through because it pained my heart to see a broken soul sob like that, Love you mom! xx)
They may know what I have been going through, they may know the hardships and trials that tirelessly slap me… however they didn’t really know the pain I had to go through… they don’t even get the shots that usually makes me weak to the core, the meds that makes me feel sick… they don’t know the feeling of having to go again to the limitless process during hospital visits… Every week I had the privilege to get easily sick because my immune system sucks, every day I had to experience 5-9 likert-scale pain, every hour palpitations disturbed my inner being, every minute anxiety consumes me because you never know when your heart will lose its purpose… and to be honest…
I am tired. (repeat 9999x)
A lot of people may view some of my actions as crazy and beyond insane..
To tire myself up to the point where I have reached my limit..
To consume caffeine-induced drinks..
To erase the word “rest” in my vocabulary even though I am conscious to know that I needed it the most..
Can’t they see? These things make me feel alive…
I believe this is my own coping mechanism.. to incessantly prove to people that I am still me, the healthy me, the stronger me, the not-sick me, the I-can-do-it me…
Through these activities, it gives me an impression that I am still able to do things.. that I have the free will and freedom to choose what I wanted to do… A chance to do these things that I have been deprived of during my childhood.
(Side note: Wasn’t allowed to bike during childhood since my parents were so paranoid and overly protective… that’s the reason why I crave biking these past few months)
These things kept my mind occupied.. it veered me away to any negative thoughts that attempted to consume my inner being, away from the illness that got me… however I realized.. that it’s already too late.
The negative thoughts have dominated my entire being.
At times where you wanted to be good towards people… however, the world has persistently showcased its cruelty towards humanity. The world also showed me… that cruel people also exist… this is the time where I am starting to become selfish. I realized I have a distorted and unhealthy way of coping.
I questioned God too, in every manner that I could possibly do. I questioned him through anger and pain, I questioned him through sadness and denial… I tried to rationalize with him… I also even went through the process of bargaining. I asked Him.. of all people why me? Is it because I am an insignificant little being? Why can’t he inflict such pain to these cruel people?
I have been faithful to you…
I have been your avid follower… we even talked day and night…
Tell me, where did I lack? What mistake did I make that made you love me less?
Can’t you see that your faithful servant has been going through pain?
Can’t you see, your daughter needs you..
I’ve been good to you… to people… to this world… but why do I feel that I am being punished?
Look at the statements above… I know right… I am a selfish, little being.. I have the guts to question the epitome of grace, love, and kindness… I have the will to raise my own voice to the one that did not only mold the stars but also my heart and soul…
Hundreds of apologies would not suffice the forgiveness that I have received on that day that I poured it all out to the Lord. He has always been forgiving.. too forgiving.
I’ve been quite selfish lately.. It pained me to have such a close-minded perspective… I am solely focused on the negativity which this life has continuously embraced that I failed to realize that there’s more to this picture. I failed to realize that there are people who would always be there to support me and be with me in this battle that I will be winning someday. I failed to realize that there are others who loves you and will fight for you… I failed to realize that I am not fighting alone for they are there beside me… ready to lift me up when I am down and weary. There are people who would not give you up just yet without exhausting all the resources.. I failed to realize this because I have been selfish… I have been focused on myself that I disregarded people’s efforts towards me.
There are times where I am Mica/Mika (Julia) from the LYSB movie. At times, I wanted to be abducted by aliens ( or perhaps I view this as God)… my defense mechanism at times when life has been too toxic and too much is the flight response. I deactivate, I delete social media apps, I disconnect… I travel… I go away… I leave. They stated in the movie that it is a privilege to be abducted by one… for they will take you to a place where pain and sickness will cease to exist… there will be no weeping nor suffering… no darkness nor sick or lame… no hiding… only good things will matter. And most of the time, I view myself as someone who is privileged to be taken away from the cruelty this life has offered me.
At times like this.. I hope that my loved ones would still reach out to me… no matter how many times I have pushed them away, no matter how many times I disconnect myself to the outside world. I hope they realize that I also get tired, that I am still human that is still susceptible to weakness and pain despite the bold and brave front that I have relentlessly projecting.
But in the end… eventually I’ve reached 18 years of existence.., in the end… here I am now.. turning 22 in three weeks time. Maybe I had the same realization with Mica… Maybe I don’t want the Lord or the aliens to take me yet… I’ve realized that there’s a fighter inside of me… I’ve realized that there are some things worth living for.
Anyways… just like what they have been unceasingly voicing out all throughout the movie:
” Wala namang sigurado, pero minsan kailangan mo lang maniwala” (Omg, I dunno how to translate this in english without committing any grammatical error)
In this life full of uncertainties and doubts…
One thing is still certain..
That is to believe and to keep faith.
This movie taught me a lot of things… I had to go through a lot of trials just to watch this movie tho, and here I thought it wasn’t meant to be… but in the end.. I got to watch it.
Maybe, God intended to make me realize such things and encourage me to embrace this life that He has offered me. This time, I am not entrusting my capabilities to my own strength… this time.. I am surrendering everything to You.
and hopefully… inner and outer healing are on my way.
P.S. Thank you loved ones for not giving up on me =) (Haha as if you guys will get to read this, maybe someday when I am privileged to share my life testimony after successfully conquering this trial… I know and believe its near.)
Enough with this drama… I need to sleep. zZzz
~H (September 27, 2017; 1:24am) — took me 2ish hours to finish this.