Maybe

Maybe these are all my fault…

for expecting something more… for believing in your words and actions… 

and for not listening to all the warning signs. Must I still suffer the consequences? Must I go through heaven and a lot more hell? Is my physical health not enough as punishment? Why do tht have to include my emotional being in the picture? Can’t I just have one… since I know and believe I can’t have it all.  
~H (October 31, 2017; 8:37pm)

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It’s hard

It’s hard to pretend that you’re okay

In a room full of 

people that you dearly love

~ H (October 31, 2017; 8:12pm)

How do you pretend to be okay

when your insides are breaking

and your whole world

is crashing down?

~ H (October 31, 2017; 8:16pm)

I can’t seem to stop…

I can’t seem to stop writing… anything that is directly related to you..  My SB planner has been thoroughly filled with entries and poetical pieces… they are all about you.

I can’t seem to stop thinking… about you. Your smile, your laugh, and how you looked the last time I saw you. 

I can’t seem to stop expecting… your message, your random thoughts, your sharings about how your day went, how stressed you are… all that stuff that implies we are both connecting… we are both communicating. I can’t seem to stop expecting about your whole being finally turning its way to me… but we all know it’s just a pigment of my imagination.

I can’t seem to stop believing… that there will be an us… that even our genuine friendship could still be saved. I can’t ask for more.. all I ask is to have our old selves back. 

I can’t seem to stop begging… my heart and mind to halt its processes. To stop yearning any thoughts of you… because the toxicity of our situation has been too much to handle.

I can’t seem to stop hurting… myself from continuously looking back at our old conversations.. and realize that a lot has changed. I can’t seem to stop myself from hurting from seeing both of your profiles… all the likes and clicks, photos, and retweets are connected and making sense. 

I can’t seem to stop myself…

from loving you. 
I’ve missed you and it hurts like hell that you don’t feel the same way like I do. You wont ever know that I’ve been writing about you… venting out all my frustrations and hurt through this medium… 

Can’t you see that it has always been you? Can’t you see the hurt in my weary eyes? Can’t we just get over it? Confess to me directly that I am not the one… I just needed to hear those words so I could help myself cope with this huge mess that I made. I needed to hear those words so I could move on. 

Or better if both of you make it official… We would still accept you with open arms… we would still congratulate you for choosing happiness… You could trust me… you could share anything to me… so through that act you can easily crash my spirit… for a disheartened heart and spirit can easily move on than a doubting and expecting one. 

So here I am again… another entry another entry… I can’t seem to stop writing even if I know in myself… that this isn’t making me. 

This is breaking me. 
But this is good than sharing my thoughts with everyone or someone. Because I don’t want to burden them anymore… I also don’t know who to trust anymore. Confusion dominated my whole being… there’s a warn in my mind..  a growing conflict in my heart. And I think I am losing my sanity if I’ll continue to bottle these emotions… so let me just rant and vent it all out here.

Because here, no one really knows who is the main character I am talking about. 

Here, no one’s really reading this… 

Here, it’s my safe haven.

~H (October 31, 2017; 12:36pm)
p.s. I hope you’re doing okay. You’ve been quiet lately. I’ve made several attempts to connect with you with an intention of knowing if you’re okay. However… all of it are failed attempts. Because I know and believe it isn’t my message you’re expecting. Ugh, I wish I could openly say I miss you. 

Random Questions

Today, I received two random questions which were asked to me out of curiousity… and boredom.

The first question was: What specific belief that I strongly hold on to right now? 

Tbh, I had a lot of beliefs in mind but only one thing stood out among the rest. This belief instantly popped out and bombared my thoughts.

“Pag oras mo na, oras mo na” 

(Sorry, I dunno how to translate this to english, just use google translate)

As stated from the bible, Ecclesiastes 3… there is a time for everything… the first provision stated that there’s a time to be born and a time to die. 
That no matter how many times you exhaust all your efforts just to keep someone alive… may it be through meds or life support… if your time is up, your time is up. There are no extensions… if you’ve reached your expiration or your deadline… you’ll willingly or unwillingly exit this world.

The next question was this:
What if you have the opportunity to know the exact date and time of your death, would you take that opportunity? Why or why not?


It’s so ironic to receive such questions… especially during these moments. But I am more surprised with myself when I quickly answered the question.

“Yes” I firmly said. Then held back for a moment.

Why did I answer yes all of a sudden? Is it wonderful to fear the unknown? To be privileged of not knowing? To instantly leave people without saying goodbye? 

However I answered again:

“Maybe because I wanted to thoroughly embrace the life out of me… and hopefully I wont take people, time, and love for granted.  I wanted to exhaust all my efforts to all my loved ones… I wanted to leave this earth free from regrets and empty promises… I wanted to be able to live life with a deeper meaning”

 

But then my friend stated… 
Why can’t you do that now? Why can’t you express such efforts as if you are dying? 
But I am dying… we all are. *inner thoughts*

However… there’s a huge difference between knowing how long will your heart still beating… how long will your lungs keep breathing… That’s what people want… they wanted to know if they still have time. Because time has always been taken for granted.
However… no one really knows when we will breathe our last breath. Might as well embrace life and dont just merely survive… but live up to your highest potential. 

Right now… I know I am in that stage where I am trying to survive the struggles and trials this life has offered me. But I still hope and pray… 
that one day… 

I’ll be able to live again. 

~ H (October 30, 2017; 11:46pm)

Frustrations

I don’t know why I am feeling these emotions.

Maybe because I miss the whole family (the whole clan) and no matter how much I try to understand them, how much I try to comprehend and analyze the situation… I still don’t get it.

 
I don’t know why such disputes have happened. During my childhood years  it has always been taught that we must learn to forgive… to be the one who understands more… to be more loving.

Is it because of their age that’s why pride ate all those principles of forgiveness? Is it because they’ve aged that’s why they gained the right to not forgive? Is it because they started to stop being more loving? I don’t know why… I don’t know why.

I am studying psychology, even taking my masters… I’ve already took all the course electives that’s directly related to human emotions and behavior yet I still can’t find the answer… I still can’t find the reason to fully understand the situation…

Why? Why can’t people be more loving? Why can’t people be more forgiving? Life is like a flickering candle… you never know when our moments stop, you never know when our hearts will beat its last rhythm… you never know when you’ll inhale or exhale your last breath… you never know, you never know.

I don’t know why I am saying this… I don’t know why I am having these kind of emotions… but can’t they see that their grandchildren are suffering too? Can’t they see the missed opportunities to bond, to meet, to reach out and have fun?

A lot of events have happened that emphasized the division between the family clans… There’s so much clarity that people exhaust all their efforts to avoid each other…

Ugh, this frustration is eating me alive. I don’t know if this stress is a blessing since my mind has become so preoccupied that I failed to take notice the crucial things such as my non-existent love life and physical health.

Maybe because of my deteriorating health… my emotionality skyrocketed beyond its limit. Or maybe because I am longing… I longed for that day when all our families will unite as one… playing pik-pak-boom and endless pinoy henyos… I longed for that day when all of us travel and brought with us potlocked lunches… (omg is the spelling correct?)… I longed for that day when all the bitterness, sadness, and pride will cease to exist… and all that’s left

 

 

is love who paved its way in our hearts.

 

I am hoping and praying for that…
And hopefully… please let that happen when my heart is still evenly beating… and my lungs still evenly breathing.

~H (October 30, 2017; 10:49am)

Things I love about today…

Today, I got to unwind and escape the harshness of reality even if its just a few moments.

Today, I’ve successfully conquered my nausea… there’s no looming fear that I’ll vomit the contents of my stomach (partly because of the price and because itz delicious)

Today, I am again in my happy place. In a forest… surrounded with dead trees who lived their lives as books. 

Today, I had a hearty laugh. No coercion has happened nor force to pull back any positive thoughts.

Today, stress may be there but it has been dominated by positive vibes. It’s so freeing to have your mind occupied… and not dictated by my failed expectations. 

Today, only small drops of sadness paved its way in my weary heart. Maybe I am too tired to process what’s happening.

Today, lechon’s the highlight… And I am so glad that my meds arent there to dictate the physiological aspects of my body. 

Today, I’ve realized that I still wake up with the same God who still looks down on me with love. 

and part of me… is saying. That’s more than enough.

~H (October 30, 2017; 12:44am)

Appreciation 

Here’s another post at @Poemsporn that I joined. It encouraged me to reflect… to think about the positive things this life has offered me.
Here’s my response: 

Pouring rain

Even the sky relentlessly cried today too. 

~H (October 29, 2017; 3:42pm)

This is just a storm passing by… not everything is meant to stay.