I can’t seem to stop writing… anything that is directly related to you.. My SB planner has been thoroughly filled with entries and poetical pieces… they are all about you.
I can’t seem to stop thinking… about you. Your smile, your laugh, and how you looked the last time I saw you.
I can’t seem to stop expecting… your message, your random thoughts, your sharings about how your day went, how stressed you are… all that stuff that implies we are both connecting… we are both communicating. I can’t seem to stop expecting about your whole being finally turning its way to me… but we all know it’s just a pigment of my imagination.
I can’t seem to stop believing… that there will be an us… that even our genuine friendship could still be saved. I can’t ask for more.. all I ask is to have our old selves back.
I can’t seem to stop begging… my heart and mind to halt its processes. To stop yearning any thoughts of you… because the toxicity of our situation has been too much to handle.
I can’t seem to stop hurting… myself from continuously looking back at our old conversations.. and realize that a lot has changed. I can’t seem to stop myself from hurting from seeing both of your profiles… all the likes and clicks, photos, and retweets are connected and making sense.
I can’t seem to stop myself…
from loving you.
I’ve missed you and it hurts like hell that you don’t feel the same way like I do. You wont ever know that I’ve been writing about you… venting out all my frustrations and hurt through this medium…
Can’t you see that it has always been you? Can’t you see the hurt in my weary eyes? Can’t we just get over it? Confess to me directly that I am not the one… I just needed to hear those words so I could help myself cope with this huge mess that I made. I needed to hear those words so I could move on.
Or better if both of you make it official… We would still accept you with open arms… we would still congratulate you for choosing happiness… You could trust me… you could share anything to me… so through that act you can easily crash my spirit… for a disheartened heart and spirit can easily move on than a doubting and expecting one.
So here I am again… another entry another entry… I can’t seem to stop writing even if I know in myself… that this isn’t making me.
This is breaking me.
But this is good than sharing my thoughts with everyone or someone. Because I don’t want to burden them anymore… I also don’t know who to trust anymore. Confusion dominated my whole being… there’s a warn in my mind.. a growing conflict in my heart. And I think I am losing my sanity if I’ll continue to bottle these emotions… so let me just rant and vent it all out here.
Because here, no one really knows who is the main character I am talking about.
Here, no one’s really reading this…
Here, it’s my safe haven.
~H (October 31, 2017; 12:36pm)
p.s. I hope you’re doing okay. You’ve been quiet lately. I’ve made several attempts to connect with you with an intention of knowing if you’re okay. However… all of it are failed attempts. Because I know and believe it isn’t my message you’re expecting. Ugh, I wish I could openly say I miss you.