I wonder…

I wonder whose hands would constantly help me lift up at times where I tripped and fall into deep despair… hands who are ready to wipe away the tears from my eyes…

I wonder whose voice would I hear when this world has constantly embraced me with cruelty and negativity.. a soft gentle voice that could put me into sleep when the world is too much to bear…

I wonder whose ears would be ready to listen to all my rants and all my anxieties.. ears that are also willing to listen on how my day went…

I wonder whose eyes would look at me the way Jack looked at Rose, and the way Fidel gazed at Stella… eyes who sees your true self but still wants to embrace all your flaws and blemishes…

I wonder whose lips would kiss my forehead and reassure me that everything will be okay, that I would be okay…

I wonder whose shoulders would I lean on when I am tired with the constant battle with life… shoulders who are willing to support me when I fell asleep…

I wonder whose arms would I run and fall into if I had my breakdowns, arms that are strong enough to carry me when exhaustion fully consumes my inner being…

I wonder who would it be in a room with everyone I have ever loved…
I wonder… I wonder…
The thing is… will I continuously wonder about this? Does such person ever exist? 
~ H (August 23, 2017; 1:31am)

I’ve heard a lot of things about you… 

I’ve heard a lot of things about you…

How selfless you can be,
How all your efforts combined can make an entire galaxy but such efforts you failed to see.

I’ve heard a lot of things about you…

Negative things that I do not want to hear. It deeply hurts me like a wound from a shattered glass; hearing such words that are in contrast to my perspective and to what I believe.

I’ve heard a lot of things about you…

People knew that I admire you however they are discouraging me to continue. Is this a sign that it isn’t meant to be? Is this a sign that I should discontinue such heartfelt act?

A part of me is tired, a part of me wants to go. They told me that what you feel towards me isn’t genuine. They told me that you are a player, someone that will only play my weary heart. 

I’ve heard enough, I’ve heard enough…
Am I just only your past time fling? 
Or am I someone who you can see as your other half in the future? This time, I do not want to hear it from the others… This time I am hoping that I will hear it from you. 

~ H (June 24, 2017 12:23am) 

Tutulugan na kita

Tutulugan na kita..
at ang mga pangarap nating dalawa, tutulugan ko na yung pag-asang maging tayong dalawa, wala ng kwento, tula, o salita na mabubuo kundi isa lang naman itong alamat na pwedeng mabaon sa limot. 

Tutulugan na kita..
at ang mga bagay na nagpapaalala sa akin tungkol sayo… pipilitin kong matulog kahit gising ang aking damdamin at ang aking diwa. Pipilitin kong makatulog kahit mga ilang sandali lang ay makalimutan ang sakit na nararamdaman, kahit mga ilang sandali ay mawala sa ulirat at di ka maalala. 

Tutulugan na kita,
kasi pagod na ako. Tsaka ko lang napagtanto na napapagod pala ang mga tao, na napapagod pala ako… na napapagod ang aking puso’t damdamin kakaisip at kakahintay sayo. 

Tutulugan na kita,
kasi napakasakit na ang realidad na nararanasan at nakikita ko. Kahit man lang sa panaginip may pag-asang maging tayo, na kahit man lang sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata mailagay sa imahinasyon kong mahal mo ko. 

Ngunit pilit kong tinitigilan ang sarili ko sa pagiging mahimbing dahil alam kong hindi naman iyon ang aking realidad. Alam kong hanggang dito nalang tayo, alam kong wala naman talagang pag-asa, alam kong wala namang tayo.  

Napakasakit isipin na bubulaga sa pag gising ko ay sampal ng katotohanan, napakasakit alalahanin na hindi ako ang bubuo ng araw mo, ng puso mo, at ng buhay mo. 

Kaya itigil na natin to, gusto ko ng matulog. Gustong gusto ko ng matulog at wag ng magising sa realidad at sa katotohanan. 
~ H (June 28, 2017, 12:39am) 

I wanted to sleep

I wanted to sleep…
but my veins kept me in constant consciousness. My heart kept beating in such an unusual beat. My mind is in a chaotic state.

I wanted to sleep…
But I am constantly reminded of your voice. It acts as an alarm to wake my sleeping conscious and unconscious. It acts as my inner music and playlist.

I wanted to sleep…
But your eyes reminded me of bright lights. It kept my eyes awake, it kept my soul alert.

I wanted to sleep…
so I would have an escape. An escape from any thoughts about you, an escape from these raging emotions. 

I wanted to sleep…
because I wanted such emotions to end. I wanted to be able to let myself go from you since I already know the ending. I already know where to put the period in this paragraph. I already know this love story. I already know the ending. I already know that it is not me. 

I wanted to sleep…
So I will be free from any worries. I am in a constant battle with myself. I wanted you but I can’t have you. Why is it so hard to teach my heart such easy statement? Why is it so hard for my heart, mind, and soul to learn? 

I wanted to sleep…
For during the times of unconsciousness I am comforted with peace. I am comforted with dreams in contrast to my reality. I do not worry about your perspective in me, how you can’t give back the love I freely give.

I wanted to sleep…
because I am tired. I am emotionally drained but remained tongue-tied in venting out my feels to you. It was a handful duty for loving you however I do not regret any minute saving you from the negativity of this world that embraced you.

I wanted to sleep…
I wanted to rest physically since I still didn’t have the time to fully rest my body. I lost my appetite these past few days. I posted pics of food for show for I am a great pretender. I pretended I didn’t like you but deep inside my heart is dying, my mind is drowning, my soul is missing. 

I wanted to sleep…
For I needed someone’s warmth to reassure me that everything’s okay, that you’re okay. All I had is the warmthness of my bed and although it might not be enough but I can live with only this. 

I wanted to sleep… I wanted to sleep…
So that my mind will now be able to keep calm. So that my body will go back to its usual system. So that my heart will go back to its normal rhythm. Any thoughts of you heightened my nerves and constantly kept sending nerve cells around my body. 

I wanted to sleep so that I will be comforted with fantasy, that there will be an us. That things can go as planned.

However, any signs of sleepiness left me. I can’t bring myself to sleep since this day has been a memorable one. Suddenly, reality started to become better than my dreams.
~ H (June 23, 2017 1:40am)

Distant

Why were you suddenly distant?

Is this your way of saying no? Is this your way of saying, I am not interested in you?

Your silence is killing me. Like a million stab wounds and a ruptured vein. You are starting to become my poison, my drug… that as time goes by… it will eventually lead me to my premature death. 

I just wanted to know that I am getting there… so please.. don’t speed up the process. Don’t speed up the time I have left here on earth. 

Even in my dreams, you were starting to become distant. I then realized that this is such a cruel world. 

Even in my imaginations… you were so distant. The space that we have right now can be compared with the miles between the earth and the moon. 

How are you? I hope you’re doing fine. I hope you’re doing well. I hope that all the anxieties and negativity of this world stop embracing you. Let them embrace me, let them hug me until they squeeze the life out of me. For in your life, their is so much potential compared to my blemished-self. 

Still, thank you for doing the favor. For completely crashing my innermost being. For shattering my spirit and my soul. This is what I have been asking for so that I know where I will stand, so that I know where will I be… so that I know my limitations. 

Eventually… I’ll stop. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow… but probably someday. When I really found someone who would make me forget about you, when I finally found someone who can reciprocate the love I freely give. 

I know this will be hard. A million questions kept bombarding my weary mind. It led me to unanswerable questions, where answers are given after the trials and the strenuous tests. 
How do I stop loving someone? How do I pull myself back together? How do I move on?

I tried googling the answers… however ERROR 404 showed up. And here I thought google knows everything. 

So now, I’ll drown myself to academics and probably work. I needed a new circle… A new focus, a new hobby… something new that can distract me from these raging emotions and hope that this approach would somehow help me cope and move on. 

~ H (August 10, 2017; 11:49am) 

I took the longer route today…

I took the longer route today..
Not because I needed time alone

But I wanted to make an excuse to think about you. An excuse to kill time, an excuse that despite my hectic sched I would have time to have you in my thoughts.

I took a longer shower today..
Not because I am so dirty but because I wanted to wipe out any thoughts of you. Any idea about you. For I know that the reciprocity of such feelings is non-existent. I know that you have your heart set for someone else.
I took a longer walk today..
Because such thoughts wont stop bombarding my weary mind. It kept on coming, your interests, your emotions, your eyes… why cant you stop occupying my fragile mind?
~H (June 21, 2017 1:28am)

He didn’t fall in love with me…

He didn’t fall in love with me.
He fell in love with my words…
He fell in love with my gestures…

for being constantly there when he needed me.

He didn’t fall in love with me.

He fell in love with the thought of having me.
He fell in love in the concept of being in love with me for he never really did take another step in knowing me.

He didn’t fall in love with me. 

He fell in love with my pretentious self.
He fell in love in the idea of having me, for he never really did show any signs of pursuing me, he never really did genuinely love me.

So that’s why fall in love with the real me, the sick me, the anxious me, the impatient me, the soft-hearted me, the pure me, the shy me…

Fall in love with my weaknesses and flaws, fall in love with my imperfect-self.
Don’t just fall in love with my actions because I might not be consistent in things, I tend to easily withdraw when threatened. 

Fall in love with my blemishes and scars, fall in love with my insecurities and my sadness…
Don’t just fall in love with my carefree attitude.

Fall in love with my negativity, with my moodiness, for it is not always rainbows and butterflies… I also tend to have a negative perspective, I also tend to lose faith. 

Basically, fall in love with the real me. Try to embrace every part and every cell of me. You cannot get me halfheartedly and come back for the other parts of my wholebeing. I am a whole and complete package. You cannot just simply choose which part you would easily take, you have to take me as a whole. No return no exchange. 
That is why you need to be 200% sure that you love me. Because it is hard to invest on someone then turns out you would end up bankrupt. 

~ H (June 28, 2017; 10:43pm)

That’s the thing about love…

That’s the thing about love.
You still love them with their flaws and blemishes. You love their uneven curves and crooked lines. You love those imperfect personality, their beautifully-flawed being. That despite all those scars and wounds from the negativity of this world, you would still embrace it, for these things make them human. 

~ H (August 1, 2017; 9:14pm) 

Moments

At these strange moments, 
I realized that I have forgotten..

I have forgotten what dying feels like, what pain looks like. 

During these moments, my world stopped, my heartbeat in its regular rhythm, my breathing at its easiest pace. 

Such strange moments where only your eyes matter, your smile so radiant, your soul illuminating the very depths of my cold heart. 

~ H (August 12, 2017; 11:34pm)

Short entryyy 

I am raising the white flag

It has been really hard these past few months. 

Trials have tested me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

These past few months, I’ve tried carrying my own burdens. These past few weeks, it seems like death is nearer compared before. These past few days… physiological effects dominated me. It’s hard, it’s hard. 

I am scared, I am frightened, I am terrified. Name it, name every word that can be related to these words… that’s what I am feeling right now. 

I am nervous each time my heart skipped a beat, I am beyond scared for each palpitation.. each physical ache my heart constantly make… 

I am sad because the activities that I love doing has decreased. Limitations were set, barriers were established, and hindrances suddenly grew in number. 

Will such dreams only stay in writing? Was the list that I made, far-fetched?

Does the Maker of stars hear my heart breaking? Does the Author of life itself notice my soul is dying? Does the Creator of such universe sees my spirit is yearning?

I am tired with all these processes and all these trials. It seems that exhaustion has finally caught up with me. 

This time, I don’t know what I feel. All I know is that I am so tired… so tired that I want to rest with the Maker of heavens.

This time… I am raising the white flag. 
~H (August 16, 2017; 7:27am)