I collapsed today.

Here’s another personal excerpt to add my long list of stories about my constant fight towards this ill that has gotten me.
The word “adulting” played a crucial role today. 

Despite that sudden rush to the school’s clinic… Despite that fainting spell I experienced awhile ago… I still continued on stuDYING like nothing happened.

It was hard at first… When all of a sudden, blackness dominated my conscious being. It’s as if my brain has gone tired with all these scoring and assessments it decided to take a break… with or without my consent.

However, when blackness welcomed me… After a few agonizing minutes (actually, I really have no idea how long I was out… They said it was just for a while) comes the explicitly white exterior. My mind buffered for a few more minutes…. 
Confusion bombarded my tired mind. I then realized, I am still at school. After a terribly long sermon and lengthy advices from the doc… I was finally released from the white place. (I am thankful for my age… If I was a minor, they wouldn’t easily let me out and will demand for a chaperone).

I still thank God because it didn’t happen during my client meeting. (What would my client think of my credibility if that happened in front of him?).

Despite all these low BPs and severe anemia dominating my weary being…. I still managed to survive today’s wrath. I was still able to pass that paper which is way past the due date… Was able to convert raw scores to T scores, was able to interpret the draw-a- person test quantitatively… And many more. This day was still productive despite that unexpected commotion awhile ago. 

I just hope and pray that my world would stop spinning for a change. It’s been weeks already, can’t these earthquakes stop disturbing my whole being? Also, I hope I won’t look like a zombified-vampiric-look-alike being anymore… Even lipsticks can’t address my colorless face. 

This is an indication that I need to sleep soon. 

Lord, be my guide for the last remaining days of this term. I am so tired, so dizzy, so weak. Nausea has conquered my being. 
~ H (December 13, 2017; 1:11am)

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I am so tired.

Corporate attires, limitless defenses, concept papers, deadlines… DEADlines… 

So we finally reached the 11th week when students are much more concern with their grades before anything else. 

These are the times when cups of coffee are positively correlated with productivity. 

These are the times when sleep is negatively correlated to academic performance. 

These are the times when health is taken for granted. 

I’ve constantly experienced mini-earthquakes these past few days. Here I thought it was a natural occurrence… 
Unfortunately, it was a biological occurrence caused by lack of rest and sleep. 

I am so tired… So let me vent it all out here and waste a few moments of my precious time to rant and to express my feels. 

I am so tired. So tired with all of this. I need a break. From everything. Please. 

Right now, I am still beyond thankful for God’s never-ending grace. He constantly supplemented my whole being with inner strength and stability. 

At times, I almost passed out in the department, was rushed in the clinic because of such nausea… Vertigo has dominated my being… But here I am, still in one piece. 

Few days left Hazel, all of these things will be worth it. 

Right now, I need a hug, an assurance, and a few words to tell me to keep going.
 
I am standing at the brink of a knife…  I am standing at the edge of the cliff… 

I just hope and pray that I’ll survive the remaining days of this week. 

And have that sleep and rest that I fully deserve. 

~ H (December 11, 2017; 10:03pm)

P.S. Another addition to my limitless meds and vitamins (that I’ll soon forget to drink 😂) 

Loljk. I am going to try my best to faithfully drink this every day. (Coz, I don’t want to keep coming back to that white place again 😷)

Sometimes

Sometimes

we need

to get lost

to be found

Sometimes

we need

to be broken

to be repaired.

Sometimes

we need

to have fear

to gain courage.

Sometimes

we need 

to be in the dark

to appreciate the light.

Sometimes 

we need 

to know 

what it feels

like to

have nothing

to gain 

contentment.

Sometimes

we need to have

trials, so we

have the 

opportunity

to embrace

God.

Sometimes

we need 

to experience

hunger,

to know the feeling

of being filled. 

~ H (December 5, 2017; 2:02am)

Playing

I don’t know what could be the best title for this writing piece… I hope you help me out with this.

 
Here it goes… another writing entry.

 

He entered the music room with his sleek shoes noisily tik and tak… it’s as if he is sporting a new commercial or modeling his profligate being.

 

I still continued on playing the piano, it has been ages since I last played and to be honest I can feel myself slightly rusty due to my unused talent. He proceeded to lean on the piano and looked at me.

 

“When was the time my fingers last graced over these white and black keys?” I asked as I continue to gracefully press the rustic keys of this piano. I shifted to the key of D on a different octave… my favorite piece started to fill the Christmas air.

 

“I don’t know, you ask him” He tapped the piano and guffawed. He then proceeded to situate himself at my back and tried reading my clumsy notes that I have been hastily writing on for the past hour.

 

I can feel the intense weight of his curiosity as he tried to make sense with the nonsensical notes that I’ve written in my music book… notes that I believe won’t make sense in the eyes of a non-musician like him. I stopped playing and faced him.

 

“I am working on a musical piece… I am trying to compose one again” I explained and faced the piano again.

 
“What for?” His voice suddenly lightened up.

 
“I don’t know… the last composition that I did was ages ago… maybe during my Highschool years and part of me wanted to compose again.”

 
“And you’re planning to consolidate all these instruments to the said piece?” He waved over his hand to all the instruments inside this music room.

 
“Yep” I popped the ‘p’ and proceeded playing the piano.

 
“Cool” He sighed with awe and proceeded to lean on the piano once again, facing me.

 
“I wish I could help you though” He stated. I stopped playing the piano and faced him.

 
“I wish you could” I heartily laughed and then shifted my attention to the acoustic guitar lying on the floor. I proceeded strumming, key G wafted down and filled the room.

 
“Ugh, what instruments can’t you play?”  He breathed with a mixture of awe and jealousy. I stopped strumming the guitar and seriously looked at him.

 

 

 

“A human’s heart” I whispered.

 

“A what?” Confusion laced his voice.

 

“I can never play a human’s heart nor have the right or ability to do so, I don’t have the heart to strum someone’s heartstrings and leave it once I am done using it.” 

~ H (November 26, 2017; 11:04am)

 

p.s. I don’t know where I got such inspiration to write this.
More personal excerpts coming soon. I found my old notebook filled with poetry and other nonsensical content way back 2014. If ever I finally have the time… I’ll gladly post it here. If ever I have TIME.

p.p.s I am starting to love writing short excerpts like this. I hope I’ll get to publish my collection soon. My journal’s running out of space for me to write. I don’t know if this is an indication that I need to stop, or I need another notebook to express myself thoroughly.

The Girl

The girl with 

the broken heart,

had unintentionally

let her heart be

trampled on.

The girl with

the broken soul,

had unintentionally

felt her soul

hollow and empty.

The girl with 

the broken mind,

had unintentionally 

let her thoughts 

consume her,

burn her till ash.

Yet, these things

made her

stronger, 

wiser,

and

better.

~ H

(December 3, 2017; 1:17am)

 

Home

To me,

He was those

lingering steps,

the crack in every footsteps

in the wooden floor

of this rustic house,

As he turned the light on

and searched for my

longing face,

A faint giggle 

in the frigid air,

He was always

my coming home.

~ H (December 3, 2017; 1:05am)

p.s.

I dunno where I got such inspiration to write this entry. All I know is that my heart has been shattered in a million pieces… 

Maybe because I finally had a lighter perspective… and I hope someday, my future half will get to read this. 

Because I know and believe, he’ll always be my coming home. Even though we haven’t crossed paths yet. 

I am not alone

It has been tiring lately… 

But as the battles grew fiercer 

and the nights grew heavier…

I know and believe that I am not facing this alone. 

Eventually, things will slowly get better. 

~ H (December 1, 2017; 1:31pm)
p.s. 2018, I am so ready for you. Come sooner please! 

Nth Dream

“Pssst, why are you so gloomy?” He constantly asked again… Second guessing if I’ll answer him.
“I don’t know” I sighed and looked away.
“No reason?” He tried to confirmed.
“Oh, there are plenty of reasons.. however I don’t know what’s the reason this time”
He didn’t let out any single word, he just pulled me into a hug. 
And in those arms, I felt secure… but something’s still missing.

then I woke up.

~ H (November 26, 2017; 9:41am)

(This dream was so vivid)

Today’s appointment

I am so amazed with God’s handiwork.

And how His works extends to the doctors. 
Dr. Mallari, my cardiologist thoroughly explained the overall details of the ailment that’s been eating me alive for the past 12 years. 

Anxiety ceased to exist during that consultation… I don’t know why but today… calmness dominated my whole being. 
This new doctor can be related to someone who usually performs theater arts. She is a bit dramatic but in a right and humorous way. (Maybe that’s why a specialist’s fee is so expensive 😂).

I can’t believe how she turned a gloomy situation upside down… how she explained the procedures and all things needed to be explained in a way that none expected it to be. 

No more boring doctor appointments nor immensely white decor… (her room has a  vintage theme… literally rooooom goals) she violated all the standards which I set for a certain doctor. 

She said that a thing for patients is to have them understand the situation they are in…. some fail to comprehend such things because anxiety and fear were living in their hearts… that’s why as much as possible she tries to alleviate one’s burden through her dramatic explanation.

I don’t know how many times I laughed today… I can’t believe her capability on how she used celebrities to signify the ventricles and aortas of my heart. 

And usually doctors sermoned on their patients about the don’ts… but with her. Nope, she still stated it with conviction but with a little theatrics on her sleeves. 

“When using the stairs… and you felt tired…

always remember that us girls need to take a pause… examine the picturesque view… breathe in… breathe out then continue…” She stated with dramatic gestures. 

Trust me, if you were there… you won’t be able to maintain a straight face. 
Anyways… despite the negativity of the results… the heavy weight in my chest, and the feeling of being constantly unwell… (plus the endless acads stuff)
Positivity still paved its way today. 

But first… let me lament to the extreme activities I have to bid goodbye to. 😭😭😭

Bungee jumping

Wall Climbing

Trekking

and other extreme sports/activities…

But of course.. we all know how thick-headed I am when it comes to this. 😂😏

Heart, please keep up. We’re running out of time. 😂
Let’s live life to the fullest.

p.s.  I have to go back to my papers…. I don’t want to receive my first failure this term and extend my stay at Mapua 😭 

Pray with me please 😭😭😭😭
p.p.s. Let’s call it a day. I need to go home. 😂 

~ H (November 26, 2017; 11:03pm)