Late night thoughts

Late night thoughts consume her incessantly… this was when people started to slip into a heavy slumber and the lights started to dim and all that she feels is the calmness of the night, all that she hears is the lonely clatter of the grandfather clock. 

This time she would feel her composure slip away, her heart would constantly palpitate and her whole being drowned to uneasiness. 

At this moment, she would try to cram her mind with thoughts – psychology, art, love, poems, organizations, statistics, and endless term papers but the disquiet still stayed with her.

Yet a sweet and warm embraced engulfed her and crashed every bit of negativity that tried to take refuge… she realized that hope was still there, that You were still there.  She failed to see that You were the love that rescued her. That You are her first love.  
Lord, I will be forever thankful for Your never-ending guidance and grace. ♥

~H (August 5, 2016; 8:58pm) ONE YEAR ASDFGHJKL! 

Sampung Bagay (Acads edition)

Sampu

Sampung readings na binabasa ko pero di ko pa din masimulan yung draft ng quali paper ko.

Siyam

Siyam na oras yung tinatagal ko sa paghanap ng RRL, ito na naman tayo sa walang katapusang paghahanap ng pwedeng mai-cite.

Walo

Walong oras na tulog ang kailangan ko, ngunit ni kalahati nito di ko man lang din makuha. 

Pito

Pitong patak ng luha ang tumulo sa pisngi ko. Ganto ba talaga ang problema? Ang peg ata nila ay the more the merrier para more chances of winning. Ganon ba yon?

Anim

Anim na libro yung bitbit ko araw araw. Halos mamatay na yung likod ko sa kakabuhat ng mabigat. Kailangan ko na ata talaga ng trolley.

Lima

Limang highlighters, limang sticky-notes, limang ballpen na yung naubos ko, isang term palang nakakalipas. Ang gastos, anuna? 

Apat

Apat na libong piso na ata nagagastos ko, sa pag-aaral palang yon. Investment ba ito? Feel ko mababankrupt na ako soon.

Tatlo

Tatlong beses kong tinanong sarili ko. Kaya ko pa ba to? Miracle worker ba ako? Bobo ba ako? 

Dalawa

Dalawang beses nalang ako kumain sa isang araw. Nalunod na ako sa acads at mas pipiliin ko pang matulog kesa kumain.

Isa

Isang encouraging statement naman diyan oh. Feel ko nilalamon na ako ng mundo.. Gusto ko lang malaman if may naniniwala pa ba sa kakayahan ko. Feel ko hanggang dito nalang ako ee.
~ H (August 6, 2017; 11:15pm)

Char lang yan lols. Medyo malapit na akong magshift pabalik sa undergrad. Joke 😭😂

Another Failed Attempt

I am writing this without any direction.

Parallelism will cease to exist in this composition, like my heart who has been constantly shredded into fine pieces… without any form of order or pattern. 
Words, phrases, sentences, and even paragraphs failed to describe the emotions that I have been dealing right now. My mind has been bombarded with trivial things. Things that you wished you didn’t hear.
These are emotions that are set to kill and destroy your well-being. Emotions that could set your heart into a chaotic mess. 
It’s hard…

It’s hard to be constantly slapped by the reality that his heart is set for someone else. Someone far better than you… far better than all the precious jewels combined from this world. 
It’s painful to fully grasp this concept that you’ve become his pastime. That the love, passion, or admiration that I have cannot be reciprocated. 
How does one tell their heart to stop its rhythmic beat for someone? 

How does one tell their mind to halt their mind from expecting from someone? 
I needed someone to crash my hopes now. Right at this moment. But when someone suddenly spoke the right words.. when someone suddenly stated that the remedy of this is time. All of a sudden, I wanted to raise the white flag. 
The pain is still bearable. Tolerable. 

However, I believe the force will gradually increase. I could feel it, the incoming palpitation and throbbing of my chest. This is something foreign to me, something scarier than the physical defect my heart has. Something that only time can heal. 
So to the guys out there… 

When a girl deeply admires you (and you know you can’t reciprocate it), crash their spirit, crash their soul… before their spark turns into flame, before a single drop turns into an ocean, and before the night turns into dawn.
Do them this favor, so they can somehow save themselves from drowning… do them this favor so that they can cope and move on. 
And here I thought happy endings coexist with my reality. I’m afraid it’ll start to exist in my next life. 
~H (Aug 4, 2017; 2:52am)

I stopped writing about you

I stopped writing about you,
How perfectly-flawed you are to me,
How distinct figures and characteristics engulf me
Like a huge wave from the ocean and sea.
I stopped writing about you,
How little things you do matter to me,
I know these petty things are nothing to you,
But they are tremendous and heavy things to me.
I stopped writing about you,
How your smile captures me,
How it turned my heart into chaos,
How it turned my mind into deep frenzy.
I stopped writing about you,
How deeply passionate you are as a person,
How you selflessly do things not only for me,
But for the whole country.
I stopped writing about you,
How your flowery words simply dominates me,
How those jumbled up letters and phrases
Can send my heart to the galaxy.
But can’t you see this irony?
That no matter how many times I try to stop writing about you, it still leads me back to here. That no matter how many times I convince myself that no good will come out from this, I still managed to grab the pen and pour my heart out. 
They told me to stop writing about you, they told me to repress all of these emotions that kept crashing down on me. For through this action, I would be able to save myself from drowning, from burning… from falling.

However, all my efforts went to the trash bin. All the intentions of trying to exclude you from my thoughts yet here you are, the content of my emotions, the content of my dreams, the content of my whole being. Lo and behold, you just managed to be my nth entry again.

 ~ H (Aug. 6, 2017; 11:23am)

 

How do you tell someone to stop? 

How do you tell someone to stop loving you?

How do you say the words “I dont love you, I’m sorry..” without shattering his heart into fine pieces? 

How do you state the words “I am sorry but I cannot reciprocate the love you freely give to me.” without hurting this person?

How do you say such sentences without breaking someone’s heart?

How do you tell someone to stop expecting? To stop yearning that there is a slight chance or hope that the two of us could be as one. 

How do you tell such person to stop bombarding me with mindful thoughts that are trying to eat me alive. This is far from the cuteness which one may expect. This is far more different than the sappy love stories and movies we usually watch. 

How do you tell someone to give up? To give up any thoughts of having a relationship with me and move one. I know he deserves someone far better than me. Someone who would not take him for granted. Someone who is willing to reciprocate the love he effortlessly give. 

It was foolish of me to say that maybe he can expect me to garner romantic emotions towards him if I suffered amnesia.

 
But he was so heartless to say that he wished for it to happen to me. That life would be cruel enough to erase any thoughts of not wanting him and eventually fall in love with him. His confession scared me. He confessed that he wants me to be involved in a trauma so that I could have a retrograde amnesia. 

But do remember this one thing… 

The mind may forget, but the heart does not. Despite my heart’s internal glitches and flaws, I believe that it is still good in one thing. It knows that it will only constantly beat to someone I dearly love. 

However, I also wanted someone to tell me such harsh statements. So that I could stop yearning for any thoughts of us. So that I could finally grasp the reality that I am treading to. I wanted that someone to directly say that he couldn’t reciprocate the love I can willingly give. I don’t expect an apology nor any ‘I’m sorry’ statements for he didn’t do any wrong. It’s not his fault for not loving me, it’s not his fault for not giving back for this isn’t a symbiotic relationship where the two benefits from eachother. 

I hope he tells me such statements soon. Before the very depths of the pacific ocean engulfs me whole, before I fall into a limitless abyss and reach to the point where there is no turning back. 

I don’t care if it’ll hurt like hell. I don’t care if my heart will weigh as if it carries all the burdens of the world. I don’t care if my mind would explode like a huge meteorite. I don’t care if my whole being would be shattered into miniscule pieces. I don’t care. But I do care about the thoughts he has or me. 

~ H (July 28, 2017; 8:13pm)

Well that escalated quickly. Here I thought I am just going to vent out about someone constantly not giving up on me. It has been very stressful mentally and emotionally lately. 

Sampung bagay

Sampu

Sampung beses kong binalik balikan ang profile mo. Nagaalangan na baka may naipost ka o naitweet, o nailike manlang. Hanggang dito nalang ba tayo? Sa tingin tingin? Sa pageeverwing?

Siyam

Siyam na nobela ang nagawa ko sa araw na to. Siyam na mga tula at salita na puno ng damdamin. Hanggang sulat nalang ba ako? Hanggang wordpress nalang ba ang mga salitang ito? Kailan ko kaya mabibigay sayo itong mga to?

Walo

Walong buwan na ang nakakalipas. Naaalala mo pa ba? Narinig mo ba yung sigaw ng aking puso sa napaka tahimik mong mundo? Narinig mo ba ang napaka ingay kong isipan kakasalita patungkol sayo? Disyembre yon, disyembre yon.

Pito

Pitong patak ng luha ang nalaglag sa aking mata. Luha na alam ko naman ay walang patutunguhan. Luha na dapat hindi inaalay sayo ngunit huli na ang lahat, tila dumaloy nalang to bigla ng walang pasabi.

Anim

Anim na libro ang pilit kong binabasa. Anim na libro patungkol sa kung ano ano mang bagay. Pilit na binabasa, pilit na pinagsasabay para lang mawala ka sa isipan ko.

Lima

Limang beses ako laging tumitingin sayo. Minsan kasi parang panaginip ang ating pagtagpo, minsan nagugulat na lamang ako sa paglalaro sa atin ng tadhana, minsan nandyan ka, madalas hindi. Kahit sa tingin manlang doon ko mabuhos ang lubos na pagmamahal ko sayo.

Apat

Apat na beses mo akong napatawa nung araw na yon. Apat na beses mo akong napasaya tila bahagyang nakalimutan kong may malaki akong problema na gustong sumakop sa buong buhay ko. Maraming salamat sa pagpapangiti mo sa akin.

Tatlo

Tatlong masasakit na tibok ng puso ang naramdaman ko. Akala ko sasabog na yung puso ko ng malaman at mapagtanto na may nagmamay-ari na ng puso mo. Akala ko aatakihin ako dahil sa pagsampal sakin ng realidad na wala naman talagang mangyayaring “tayo”.

Dalawa

Sana, tayong dalawa nalang.

Bakit ba pilit tayong pinaglalayo ng tadhana? Bakit parang pinaramdam lang sa akin na gantong klaseng lalaki yung dapat kong hintayin o hanapin. Bakit sinasabi sakin ng tadhana na hindi ikaw ay para sa akin?

Isa

Isang buhay lang ang nilaan satin. Isang puso at isang isipan. Bakit napakadamot naman ng tadhana na ipagkait ang magmahal ng tunay?  Isang isipan na patuloy na nagiisip sayo, isang puso na sugatan man o hirap sa pagtibok ngunit ito ay patuloy na tumitibok para sayo.

~ H (July 24, 2017; 10:57pm)

p.s. RIP Tagalog skills. Ngayon lang ako ulit nakapagsulat ng tagalog. Ang hirap bes! 😂 Please dont mind the grammar huehuehue

I am tired

I’m tired.
Not the kind of tiredness which usual people experience daily.
Not the kind of tiredness which can be addressed when you rest.
Not the kind of tiredness people perceive that they go through.
This type of tiredness is different. A tiredness you’ll wish you won’t have.

I’m tired.
This type of exhaustion does not easily subside.
I feel that I have been awake for a thousand lifetimes and a thousand centuries. I feel that I’ve been through a lot of facets in life. I feel that I went to an endless operation and this time there is no backing out. I know that this seems ironic but I just wanted to express how tired I am with life.

I’m tired.
It’s as if all the burdens of this world were put into my shoulders. It weighed like a ton of bricks, and this time I think this heavy weight is too much to bear. I am easily fazed with emotions and the lightest things. It’s as if I suddenly became a helpless being that is so sensitive with the things that’s surrounding me.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with life in general. I’m tired with the infinite cycles of thoughts that kept bombarding my weary mind. I’m tired of the endless processes which my neurons and neurotransmitters kept on doing and I feel that they are tired also. I realized that my brain also gets tired.

I’m tired.
I feel that my heart is slowing down its pace. It’s as if it wanted me to rest. Not the kind of rest people usually perceive, but the kind of rest which most people have been yearning for. I can feel that the aorta and the ventricles are going to give up any minute now. I can feel that a ruptured vein is fast-apporaching.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with everything, I am tired with the constant cycle of life. When will this ever end? Will this end when the crabs learned how to fly? Or when  hell suddenly started to freeze?

I’m tired.
I’m tired, I’m tired,
I just wish that this endless trials will stop. I just pray that God would somehow end these cruel things that are trying to dominate my life.
I just hope that I’ll survive.

But the thing is, I am tired.
I realized after almost twenty-two years of existence, my whole being and my soul gets tired too.

However, a strong gravitational pull kept pulling me back to my senses. It serves as my constant reminder that I needed to fight, that the race of life has just started.

Despite the near-death experiences which my body kept on experiencing, a lot of people became my instruments of survival. They served as my electrical charge, my CPR, and my life-support. This somehow fueled my determination to fight, to live, and to evenly breathe. This somehow comforted me that everything will be okay. That I’ll be okay.

This time, maybe I just have to take baby steps. Eventually, it will be hard, eventually, it’ll be worst. So people, please don’t give up on me. Don’t get tired of constantly reminding me that I can make it, that I am a fighter. Feed me with positivity, with warmth and embrace. Because this time, I am admitting defeat, this time… I am raising the white flag.

~ H (July 21, 2017; 9:08pm)

He asked…

“Where do you want to go?” He questioned me while I am trying to balance the bottle I am holding using one hand. 

After a failed attempt of balancing it, he grabbed the bottle and faced me. He looked at me with eyes that is so taunting yet at the same time very alluring. 

“Somewhere quiet” I whispered. I tried to get the bottle back so that I can distract myself again, so that I can get my mind occuppied. But he instead held my hand and continued to stare at me with eyes that I couldn’t understand. I cannot define the emotion behind it nor distinguish the mysterious light in his eyes. I sighed and doubted on whether to pour the contents of my mind and heart on him. 

“I want somewhere peaceful, somewhere I can have my own space without anyone hovering over it. A place where I can hear my thoughts as clear as canvas, a place where I won’t lose my sanity.” I said then looked at the bright evening sky, enveloped with a million stars. 

“Don’t we all?” I heard him say and managed to let out a genuine smile. The kind of smile that will be painted in your minds forever. 

“Yeah” I nodded in agreement. I took a deep breathe and as I exhale, I also tried to let go all the burdens, anxieties, and regrets. I finally came to a realization that this is a safe haven, that I can fully trust him. The warmth of his hand is enough to address the coldness within me. 
This time, I know he’s not going anywhere.

Then I woke up.

My dreams are getting weirder. How can a dream feel so real? 

~ H (July 18, 2017; 11:35pm) 

 

Before I sleep my dearest… 

And before I sleep my dearest,

sing no melancholic lullabies for me,

for my heart is frail and my mind is weak. I am easily swayed by emotions and easily cry to little things. I already know where this is all going, where we are all going. It’s a destination I am not looking forward to so please… take it easy, try to break down into pieces the harsh truth that I am about to face.

Before I sleep my dearest, 

tell no lonely goodbyes for me..

for I still yearn for you, I still cling to you like lice that how many times I tried putting my mind off from you, you still dominate my heart, my whole being. I am well aware that I am not only standing by the edge of the knife or clinging to you like I am at the brink of despair… I am treading into thin ice and I know that one wrong move, one wrong step then everything is history.

Before I sleep my dearest,

say no lies and false hopes and promises. I am the girl who easily believes in everything; the one who easily expects, and the one who gets hurt quite easily. Feed me with the truth even though the result can shatter my heart, and my soul. Punch me with the harsh reality that your heart is already set for someone else. 

Before I sleep my dearest,

Grab the opportunity to hold me while I am still conscious, while I am still awake… talk to me, speak to me, tell me the contents of your heart. I don’t care if it’s about her or someone you know, I don’t care if it will shred my heart into pieces, I don’t care if it will put my mind into a chaotic state and dilemma, I don’t care if it will shatter my whole being.. All I am asking is I want to hear from you. So that I could put an end to this, to end this miserable journey and to move on. 
Before I peacefully sleep my dearest..

sing no melancholic lullabies for me, tell no lonely goodbyes for me, say no lies, and false hopes and promises… I want to hear from you… I’ve missed you. 

~ H (July 16, 2017; 12:22am)

p.s. I have incoherent thoughts because I am sleepy at the same time highly emotional. I hope this article is okay. 

I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)