I stood in the rain today

Another composition but this time via photography ♥ 
p.s. I got sick because of this. 😂 At least… my emotionality got better. lol

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You aren’t in love with me.

See? I told you.. 

eventually you got tired of me.
Clarity suddenly embraced me like a newly-cleaned glass. 

Eventually, you weren’t that faithful at all. 

And it was fate that told me to stop all emotional and mental processes that are linked to you. 
I’ve had enough players that can last me more than a lifetime. 

I deserve far better than this. I deserve more from this world nearly drenched with every bit of negativity. 
And lastly, I just want to conclude…
You aren’t in love with me. Your heart doesn’t beat passionately… A rhythmic beat that cannot dwell to my symphony.

You aren’t in love with me… Your mind is filld with nonsensical things that clouded your judgement, your perception, and your whole being.

You aren’t in love with my being, with my fiery heart, mysterious soul, and tantalizing eyes… you are only in love with the idea that I am new, that I am convenient, that I am easy. 

You are in love with the thought of having the same interest, same tastes, same locality…

So please, retrace your steps… Look back and delve deep to the depths of your weary heart and tired soul. So you can prevent yourself from burning. So you can prevent yourself from hurting. So you can prevent yourself from crying your heart out like I did. 

Go back, before it’s too late.

~ H (January 17, 2017; 12:06am)

5pm thoughts

I just realized that I have been quite selfish recently…
I have taken things for granted…
It finally dawned to me that…
My body doesn’t have the qualifications to like or love anyone right now. 
Sick self, please heal your heart soon. 
~ H (January 15, 2018; 5:26pm)


This day has been extra challenging for me.
I still failed to see…
The goodness in me.
Why do I have this feeling that I am still not totally free?
Here I thought I am aiming for liberty
Here I thought I am already holding my victory…
Now, I am on my knees
Begging to be engulfed by the treacherous sea.
~ H

January 12, 2018; 12:50am

January 2nd

Day two
















to an


























January 1st

January 1
Day one..

And I am out under the sun

A year’s worth of happiness and pain, gone.

A year’s worth of acadz, done.

It felt like I turned into a Mulan

I am done fighting to be anyone..

I wanted to be someone…
Could you be my january 1? 

Day one

Another year gone.

Another 365 days done.

So here’s another proclamation, everyone.

This one’s for you, my someone…
Could you be my January 1?
~ H, January 1, 2018; 2:38am


You stated the words

That I have been wanting,

Yet dreading to hear…

I know and believe

That my heart is going

To betray me again. 

You said you missed me…

My heart still skipped a beat

Upon hearing your voice,

Upon seeing your smile…

I hesitated back then,

Tongue-tied and mixed emotions…

However, clarity still embraced me

That I am not the one.

So I bit my tongue

And stopped myself 

From saying….

“I miss you too”
~ H (December 16, 2017; 2:37am)

I collapsed today.

Here’s another personal excerpt to add my long list of stories about my constant fight towards this ill that has gotten me.
The word “adulting” played a crucial role today. 

Despite that sudden rush to the school’s clinic… Despite that fainting spell I experienced awhile ago… I still continued on stuDYING like nothing happened.

It was hard at first… When all of a sudden, blackness dominated my conscious being. It’s as if my brain has gone tired with all these scoring and assessments it decided to take a break… with or without my consent.

However, when blackness welcomed me… After a few agonizing minutes (actually, I really have no idea how long I was out… They said it was just for a while) comes the explicitly white exterior. My mind buffered for a few more minutes…. 
Confusion bombarded my tired mind. I then realized, I am still at school. After a terribly long sermon and lengthy advices from the doc… I was finally released from the white place. (I am thankful for my age… If I was a minor, they wouldn’t easily let me out and will demand for a chaperone).

I still thank God because it didn’t happen during my client meeting. (What would my client think of my credibility if that happened in front of him?).

Despite all these low BPs and severe anemia dominating my weary being…. I still managed to survive today’s wrath. I was still able to pass that paper which is way past the due date… Was able to convert raw scores to T scores, was able to interpret the draw-a- person test quantitatively… And many more. This day was still productive despite that unexpected commotion awhile ago. 

I just hope and pray that my world would stop spinning for a change. It’s been weeks already, can’t these earthquakes stop disturbing my whole being? Also, I hope I won’t look like a zombified-vampiric-look-alike being anymore… Even lipsticks can’t address my colorless face. 

This is an indication that I need to sleep soon. 

Lord, be my guide for the last remaining days of this term. I am so tired, so dizzy, so weak. Nausea has conquered my being. 
~ H (December 13, 2017; 1:11am)

I am so tired.

Corporate attires, limitless defenses, concept papers, deadlines… DEADlines… 

So we finally reached the 11th week when students are much more concern with their grades before anything else. 

These are the times when cups of coffee are positively correlated with productivity. 

These are the times when sleep is negatively correlated to academic performance. 

These are the times when health is taken for granted. 

I’ve constantly experienced mini-earthquakes these past few days. Here I thought it was a natural occurrence… 
Unfortunately, it was a biological occurrence caused by lack of rest and sleep. 

I am so tired… So let me vent it all out here and waste a few moments of my precious time to rant and to express my feels. 

I am so tired. So tired with all of this. I need a break. From everything. Please. 

Right now, I am still beyond thankful for God’s never-ending grace. He constantly supplemented my whole being with inner strength and stability. 

At times, I almost passed out in the department, was rushed in the clinic because of such nausea… Vertigo has dominated my being… But here I am, still in one piece. 

Few days left Hazel, all of these things will be worth it. 

Right now, I need a hug, an assurance, and a few words to tell me to keep going.
I am standing at the brink of a knife…  I am standing at the edge of the cliff… 

I just hope and pray that I’ll survive the remaining days of this week. 

And have that sleep and rest that I fully deserve. 

~ H (December 11, 2017; 10:03pm)

P.S. Another addition to my limitless meds and vitamins (that I’ll soon forget to drink 😂) 

Loljk. I am going to try my best to faithfully drink this every day. (Coz, I don’t want to keep coming back to that white place again 😷)



we need

to get lost

to be found


we need

to be broken

to be repaired.


we need

to have fear

to gain courage.


we need 

to be in the dark

to appreciate the light.


we need 

to know 

what it feels

like to

have nothing

to gain 



we need to have

trials, so we

have the 


to embrace



we need 

to experience


to know the feeling

of being filled. 

~ H (December 5, 2017; 2:02am)