We only fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime.

Look what my brothaaaaa sent to me

I hope you’ll read it with me. 
T’was a great message that struck my weary heart. 

p.s. Please start reading it starting at the bottom. I mistakenly uploaded it backwards. Hahahaha ugh I am still confused with WordPress’ settings. 

My own take/thoughts regarding this:

You were my second type of love…
The hard love that I excruciatingly experienced. But with this in mind, it has made me stronger, wiser, and better. 
I am thankful for God’s redirection. 
I’ve been in a hellish-emotional rollercoaster ride which this life have harshly offered me. However, through those scary ups and downs… I am still thankful, still grateful. 
And this time, I realized my worth. 
And with my earnest and persevering heart which God instilled in me…

This time, I am patiently waiting for that third love… which will shook my whole being in the very least way I expected it to be. And hopefully this time, love won’t fail me. 

~ H (November 26, 2017; 12:28am)

Zzzzz I am still at CBTL, acadz eating me alive. Brothaa accompanying me (Since I need to have a chaperone -.-) 

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Eight things


I think of eight good things to start my day.

 
8. Eight iz my favorite number! (Maybe because I only stayed in my mom’s womb for 8 months) and despite the fata rate and other complications my family has endured… my small heart managed to breakthrough.

 
7.  I am beyond thankful for that seven-hour sleep I had. As much as possible I try to follow doc’s orders that I should at least have 6-7 hours of sleep. Here’s to a more healthy lifestyle.

 
6. I’ve watched six kdramas /cdramas /tdramas these past few days amidst the deadlines and requirements. These dramas have been my escape since my body can’t take a physical escape from these piled-up mess that’s dominating me.

 
5. Five readings! FIVE READINGS! And I realized that happiness and positivity are based on my perspective. I should be grateful that it isn’t ten readings… only five.

 
4. I’ve devoured four types of cakes this morning. Yep, call me a glutton hahaha but I missed this. I conquered the limits of my tonsils todaaay. I just hope and pray that my sore throat won’t go back later.

p.s. The choco mousse was my favorite ♥

 
3. Thankful for the past three days. It tested my faith with God, my faith in humanity, and my faith in me. I am thankful for God supplementing me endless comfort, grace, and protection. I am also thankful for the time He has given me to rest.

 
2. Two bestfriends… I am thankful for their lives. I a blessed that they are constantly there through my deepest and darkest times. Hospital visits became like a walk in a park. I felt safe in their presence.

 
1. Today. I am thankful that I am awake and evenly breathing. Let’s start battling today’s sorrow and negativity and kill them with limitless kindness and positivity.

 
Hope you all will have a good one today!

 

 

p.s.

Today’s the 6th day of my fever.

I hope this is my body’s defense mechanism and I hope I’ll get better soon. It’s really hard to be productive these past few days.

 
~ H (November 25, 2017; 11:34am)

11.22.17

Scared and frightened was an understatement.
I could literally burst into tears right now. 
Even my insides couldn’t take the situation that I am in.
Why do cruel people exist? Is their purpose to torment other people for their own benefit? 
Why do they have to instill such fear to women? 
I’ve had several clients/patients who spoke about their experience regarding this… and a lot of statements popped in my mind… such statements and questions are:
Why were they not able to voice out?
Why haven’t they defended themselves?
Why didn’t they stood their ground? 
If I am in their situation I would’ve stood ground and shamed them…

But as soon as I am in that situation… it’s as if my whole energy were zap out of me. I feel so powerless, voiceless, useless. 
Out of all those panicky eyes and silenced voice is a frightened and tensed soul… I felt really weak that time… my fingers were frigid cold. 
I was about to get up and leave… to flee at that moment because seriously I am beyond scared. SCRATCH THAT, SCARED IS REALLY AN UNDERSTATEMENT. My mind went blank then fastforwarded to make-up scenarios which my mind hastily made…  scenarios which are far worse than my nightmares. 
A lot of what ifs kept bombarding my terrified mind. My stress have reached its limit. 
Going back to that moment wherein I was about to leave, I started gathering my things and tried booking for Grab or Uber when all of a sudden, he is also showing signs that he’s leaving too. 
WHAT THE FREAKING HECK. IF ONLY I COULD MUTTER BAD WORDS RIGHT NOW… I WOULD’VE ALREADY COMMITTED A LOT OF CRIMES. 
WHY IS HE DOING THIS? 
I am beyond scared to let him see me in this disheveled state. It’s so ironic that I have been studying psychological disorders and especially the symptom of psyhopathic deviate… when all of a sudden someone like him showed up. 
I thank God for my mind who is still coherent despite the crisis I am in… I decided to display all my things first and pretended that I won’t leave in a couple of hours. 
A lot of thoughts kept bombarding again my freaked-out mind.
What if he’ll stay till the closing time? What if my uber/grab got lost and I have to wait for it out in the dark? What if he follows me? I needed someone to be with me at times like this. 
During those times I felt quite alone. Then I started messaging my family, my friends… all of them are too busy to notice my cry of help. 
Quite the wrong timing since my load got expired…

CBTL’s net are too crappy to support my cry of help.
Out of all those I messaged. Two of my friends answered and calmed my nerves. 
The first one wasn’t able to help me, and offered only communication to calm my raging nerves. 
But the second one… He is heaven-sent. I just realized the crucial role of my bestfriend in my life. A brother I didn’t deserve in this lifetime. 
He made things better for me today. 

He made sure that he is one call/text away. 
And with that I am forever grateful.
I wanted to repress the things that happened awhile ago. Exhaustion has finally dominated again my whole being. My paper still halfway before it reach the finish line. 
All I can say is that… 
I am now not allowed to go there by myself.  (CBTL BHS) Unless if someone accompanies me. T.T
The guards were informed too. *Reliefly sighed*
It’s so sad that I had to cross out another coffee shop again as my study place. BHS’ CBTL is too beautiful huhuhu. 
p.s. I’ll always remember that face. 
p.p.s. Thank you Lord for covering me with your limitless protection. ♥
p.p.p.s. My fever’s back. Again. -.-  They said my body experienced quite a shock… they told me I’ll be back to my usual self as soon as I get some rest. 
~ H (November 23, 2017; 12:18am)

It’s okay

It’s okay to get tired again and again..

It’s okay to feel weak and sick..

It’s okay to feel vulnerable and defenseless..

It’s okay to feel all the physical, mental, and emotional pain..

It’s okay to have slow and unproductive days..

It’s okay to cry yourself to sleep..

It’s okay to be late once in a while.. to be absent and miss your classes..

It’s okay to turn in your assignments and requirements late.. because you also deserve some rest..

It’s okay not to be always on the top..

It’s okay to be someone whom a lot of people did not expect you to be..

It’s okay to feel human all of a sudden..
It’s okay to binge watch kdramas and movies or read that book you’ve always wanted to read..

It’s okay to detach yourself from the social world.. and be secluded in the four corners of your room..

It’s okay to keep coming back from the white place.. your physical health is much more important than other things..

It’s okay to miss someone.. ( I really miss my dad right now T.T)

It’s okay to neglect your responsibilities once in a while because this world has been too much for you..

It’s okay to cry for help, to need someone’s company..

It’s okay to not be okay… You can’t always walk in rainbows and butterflies…

 

It’s okay to experience bad and gloomy days… 
So don’t feel guilty for being too human for today (and yesterday). It’s part of the process of growing up… It’s part of the process of moving on… 

It’s part of the healing process..

And I hope, you’ll get to understand and make sense of your current situation that you are in… 

p.s. I sent this pic to my close friends… Wanting to humor them with my current situation that I am in. (see pic below) I said: Warning: Fall Risk

I should’ve put the “fall risk” back then so people would know that I fall quite easily. I should’ve paraded with a warning sign “fall risk” so people should’ve put quite a distance from me. 

But it was too late. 

Hahaha can’t believe I have such thoughts in this situation that I am in. I can’t really underestimate my mind’s creativity 😂

For now, let’s take a rest. 
This world has been too much.

~ H (November 22, 2017; 10:38pm)

p.p.s. All I needed is this pic to have my requirements push till tomorrow. Huhu thank God! 

I also answered my prof’s prompt regarding education. We are asked to complete this statement: 

Education should ________________.
Here’s my answer:

Education should also prioritize the student’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being. 

Maybe I just needed time to reflect…

Maybe I just needed time to reflect…
To rethink my priorities in life…
To contemplate on what matters most…
To disregard any thoughts of wanting a reciprocity of the love that I freely and passionately give…
To dismiss ay negativity in my life and embrace the new-found positivity in me
To start accepting new opportunities…
To allow more space in my heart since these past few months I’ve only let one in and use up all the space…
To believe in the concept of love again and accept its flaws and confusing timing
To acknowledge the fact that some people wont love me the way I love them
To have more faith in life…
To give premium in my health… and accept that healing is a slow-moving cycle and all the procedures will be worth it
To smile lavishly since it’s free
To travel boldly and lightly… free from heavy baggages of the past
To accept that there are things beyond my control
To realize that I still have my own limits…
To know that I am still susceptible to pain and sadness… and know that it’s okay.
To instill in my weary mind that it’s okay to have an unproductive day, a day only for myself…. all acads and stress ceased to exist.
To touch more hearts and lives
To paint new smiles 
To save myself for a change
and hopefully someday…
to live and love again.
~ H (November 14, 2017; 9:29pm)

@ Lias, Barlig, Mt. Province

I needed this…

I needed this. 
To be away from you…
away from any triggers that could lead my thoughts to you.
away from social media life…
less temptation to grace over your profile and be enveloped by constant pain and sadness.
No signal, no connection, 

maybe distance really matters…
so it could help me cope and thoroughly move on.
~ H (November 14, 2017; 9:43pm)

@ Lias, Barlig, Mt. Province

She

She still falls, she still falls but not the same way as before. Doubt and confusion slowly laced her perspective. Everytime a trigger to fall back in love again, she sets her mind on the evidence that she isn’t the one.

She still manages to slip and fall… but despite that, her recovery time every fall she had became shortened. She is now accepting her fate, she’s now enduring and persevering.

She may have recurring bad dreams and heartaches but this time, she slightly grew numb with the pain, she finally got used to it. 

She still looks back at the old conversations, tweets, and posts… all that she has left our her memories with him. She finally had the mindset to slowly accept that she is still blessed to have such moments even if it’s only for a short while. 

She still misses him, despite knowing he’s happy and carefree right now. All she has to do is cope with this mess she made and slowly walk away. 

She is still confused. Questions kept popping in her weary mind. Dreaded questions that may trigger unwanted tears and memories… however the answer is already there, she just have to learn to accept it. Clarity suddenly stick to her like lice. 

She’s currently taking small steps, slowly coping, slowly moving on. She knows that healing and moving on is an exhausting process but she knows in the end it will all be worth it. 

Right now…

She’s slowly trying to close the door and lock her heart away. 

And I hope she’ll be successful with this someday. 
~H (November 18, 2017; 6:43pm)

Happy

My heart feels so light todaaay 
Maybe because I finally realized the concept of reciprocity, the concept of control and the concept of love.
I realized that I dont need to stress myself on things that are beyond my control.
This time, I am finally going to choose happiness… to choose myself for a change…
Let’s call it a day… I’ll post my positive entry tomorrow, my whole being is so freaking tired today… the traffic drained all my precious energy. Night lovelies! 
~ H (November 12, 2017; 2:09am)
Who’z happppy and carefreeee todaaay? 😄😊