Later Realizations

I think I’ve been way to harsh with my pieces lately.
Always know that these things does not fully reflect my coherent thoughts. 
I may have said it during the peak of my emotions (which I seldom do).
So if anyone got offended… I am sorry.
Life has been stressing me a lot lately. 
I am physically worn out because they increased the meds-intake that I have to go through…
I am mentally worn out because this term would be my last lecture term… it would either make or break me before my comprehensive exams.
I am emotionally worn out.. because. Naaaah, I don’t need to explain myself during this part.

I just hope and pray that things will get better. Especially this month. I still have a few days left to make everything right. Lord, you have a few days left to save me from this situation that has been pulling me down lately. 

~H (October 11, 2017; 3:11am)
*yawn yawn* let’s call it a day. 

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*Inner Thoughts*

Srsly, here I thought you’re making it easy for me.
Here I thought… you would help me cope and address these unwanted emotions that I am having right now.
Please do me this favor… I am slowly trying to forget you… because I know we are drifting apart. I can feel the distance, I can feel that you’re fading… I can feel everything all at once. 
Please do me this favor… be happy with your other half. I get it… I get the message… you don’t have to explicitly show me your undying love to someone.  Please don’t drag me into this… because I get it. I got the message that you have been trying to convey. 
Because, tbh… tiredness is an understatement if I would be describing my whole being. 
I thought I am doing a lot better… I thought I am getting better… better at completely forgetting you, better at not minding you… better at not caring about any thoughts of you…
I’ve been doing fine for days.. for hours.. for minutes… but it only took one simple message… and all efforts.. all my efforts went to the trash bin. Never thought that one word could make a difference.. 
Here I thought I am getting used to your inconsistencies… to your ghost-like features.. I’ve trained myself to get used to it until I got tired eventually. 
Now, I am going to instill in my weary mind that things in this world aren’t permanent… that things that I love and cherish will disappear like a bubble. 
Moments with you should be stored in my short term memory so it would be less painful. Because going back and trying to relive those memories hurts like hell. 
At times like this, I’ve been wishing to have an anterograde amnesia (and also retrograde amnesia)… at times like this, I wanted to be a goldfish with a memory that only lasted 5 seconds… 
At times like this… 
I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anymore. All I know is… I wanted to disappear.. to leave… to deactivate… to dettach… to be the fire in a candle that is slowly going to lose its flame. 
It’s a curse to feel all of this in this special month… anyways… there will always be a next year (hopefully I am still evenly breathing and surviving by that time. Char) Maybe 2017 isn’t my year after all. 
Tbh… I hope you’re happy. 😊
and maybe… someday.. I’ll be too. 
I wish and pray that all the negativity of this world stop embracing you… so that you’ll also realize your worth. 
~ H (October 11, 2017; 3:01am)
p.s. I kept on reminding myself that I would stop writing. Ugh. <didn’t proofread> 

War in my mind

A heart that always understands…
also gets tired.

Part of me still wanted to continue..
Part of me still wanted to hold on..

However,

Part of me is slowly starting to give up.

Part of me is starting to feel exhausted…

Part of me wants to let go..
Because to be honest… it’s so draining.

I hope you won’t give up on me..
Because these past few days trials have tested my innermost being… it tested me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

I hope you won’t get tired of me..
Because, to be honest…
I am starting to feel tired for myself. I also get empty, I am also susceptible to tiredness… I also get tired… why do I feel that I am the only one making this work?

 

Or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.

 

Maybe, my mind and my heart betrayed me through the make-up scenarios and assumptions which these two (as a tandem) have crafted.

 

So please.. do me this favor. If you’re going to leave. Inform me. Remind me. Because my heart can only take an ounce of an unexpected blow from you. If you’ll stop being there for me, please continue to do so. So that my heart will get used to it. So that I’ll get used to it. Actually  you’re already doing me this favor… please continue on what you’re doing.. So that I would learn.

 

I saw this coming. That precious things don’t last in this temporary world. That things will constantly drift apart… that the only constant thing in this world is change.

 

This time… although this may be hard. I hope you help me get through this by continuing the non-existent connection that we’ve established.

 

I hope you’re happy. I will always wish for your constant happiness no matter what.

 

Thank you for everything.

 

This time.. I am not only letting you go.. but also the thoughts about you that kept on bombarding my weary mind. This time… I am removing you and the space that you have used up in my heart.

 

This may be hard, but with God’s grace and through time, I’ll be able to attain this.

 

But always know that, you would always still have a special space in my heart.

 

Ugh, let’s stop this writing.
Through writing… it has made my life into a huge mess. Through writing… it made simple things into complex ones.

 

It is through writing that things started to get complicated. Everything started because my self-centered self started writing.

 

Maybe, I should stop all of this nonsense.. Writing didn’t do me any good. Here I thought that this will be therapeutic in nature… Here I thought it would build me up and supplement my well-being..

 

But all positive thoughts regarding writing went to the trash bin. I failed to realize that it is slowly destroying me.

 

Maybe… in order to cope. I should stop this.

 
So right now, I hope you won’t blame yourself. I am blaming my whole being for this… I am going to blame my heart amd my mind for perpetrating such thoughts that did not do any good for me at all.

 
So for the nth and last time… (hopefully.. if I can survive without writing — AS IF 😂)…

 
I hope that all of these things would finally stop.

 
Because I am so tired, as a person… as a being… as a human.

 

 
~ H (October 8, 2017; 12:26am)
p.s. didn’t edit this or what… too tired to proofread. Also, this is a free verse or free entry-ish type or approach. I just did a Free Association Therapeutic mehod through writing… to vent out the things that has been haunting my weary mind.

10:50pm thoughts

I am slowly starting to get used to it…

And this time.. I’ve realized…

I am slowly changing into someone I am not… I am slowly transforming into someone I don’t know. 
Maybe, this is a sign..

Maybe, this is for the better.
It’s just so unfortunate that I get to realize and feel these things in my birth month… I get to go through this in my last remaining days as a 21-year-old being. Maybe, for the last time.. this is God’s gift to me.

Maybe I deserve this, to feel nothing and everything all at once. 
And hope for the best… that my 22-year-old-self will welcome me with open arms. 

~ H (October 6, 2017) 

Walang Hanggan

Gulong gulo ang puso.

Saan ba ‘to patungo?
Di ko alam. Di ko alam.
Hinarap lahat ng balakid
Pero bakit walang kapit
Ang mga pangakong binitawan?

Di ko alam. Di ko alam.

Noong ika’y nilalamig, ako’y iyong init.
kapag takot sa bukas, ako’ng unang sisilip
Ginawa ko na ang lahat
Di pa din sapat kasi ika’y mawawala na.

Nawalan ng gana ang tadhana.
Nanlalamig ‘yong dating nagbabaga.
Kung maibabalik lang sana.
Titiisin ko na kahit paulit-ulit
Tapos pipilitin ko na di maulit
Ang masulyapan mo yung dulo



Akala ko walang hanggan pero may dulo.

Bawat segundo sa aking puso iuukit.
Lahat ng alaala aking iguguhit,
para makalimutan mong may dulo.
Ang sabi mo walang hanggan, pero eto tayo
sa dulo.

Kailan ka ba napaso?
Nanlalamig na ang iyong braso.
Bakit ganyan? Bakit ganyan?
Kung pwede lang pakisagot lahat ng bakit.
Saan galing ang galit?

Mayroon bang nang-aakit?
Kailangan ko lang malinawan.
Bakit ganyan? Bakit ganyan?
Handang panindigan lahat ng ating plano.
Sigurado kahit di kabisado.
Gagawin ko ang lahat.

Walang pake kung di sapat
Kasi ikaw ay mawawala na.
Nawalan ng gana ang tadhana.
Nanlalamig iyong dating nagbabaga.
Kung maibabalik lang sana.
Iindahin ko ang sakit na gumuguhit.
Ngingiti sa likod ng luhang pumupunit
Baka masulyapan mo yung dulo.

Kasi sabi mo walang hanggan,
Ba’t merong dulo?
Ibibigay ko ang lahat paulit ulit.
Bawat pagkakataon ay aking isusulit,
Basta matalikuran mo yung dulo.
Ang sabi mo walang hanggan.
Ba’t na’ndito tayo sa dulo?

Oh Ohhh
Sa dulo.
Oh oh ohhh

‘Wag ka munang tumalikod.
Bumalik ka muna dito.
Padampi kahit anino.
Ayokong mag-isa dito.
Wala na bang bisa aking dalangin?
Tinataboy na ba ng langit?
Nakikiusap na lang sa hangin,
Ngayon wala ka na sa akin.

Ohhh

Bakit ba biglang meron tayong dulo?
Pangako mo walang hanggan.
Bakit nandiyan ka sa dulo?
Pwede bang kalimutan mong may dulo?
Handa ‘ko sa walang hanggan.
Pangako mo walang hanggan.
Akala ko walang hanggan.
Pero eto tayo sa dulo.

Kung ika’y mawawala sa aking piling,
Dinggin mo aking bilin.
Lingon ka lang paminsan minsan.
Dito lang ako.
Di ako lilisan.
Sa aking dulo, di ako lilisan.



Read more: Quest – Walang Hanggan Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

2am Uber Thoughts

T’was a night filled with sincere thoughts and unconcealed feels. A night bombarded with heavy revelations and life’s purest intentions..

~ H (October 5, 2017; 2:04am)

Today

Today

I took the shortest route possible.. I didn’t have any second thoughts of walking from the cafe shop to my home…

 
Today

I tried to cram my thoughts about cases, disorders, and other psychological terms.. Statistics filled my weary mind.

Today

I took the quickest shower that I could possibly get. This was a first for me…

Today

I avoided any freaking love songs that could make me possibly think about you. Let’s put all the heart-breaking songs and the metallic ones that could awaken my depressive state.

Today

I finally decided to stop telling anyone my feelings about you. I believe repression is the key. I believe avoidance is the key.

Today

I wanted to condition myself to stop waiting for you, to stop expecting, to stop all these fantasies inside my head that you are always there for me…

Today

I managed to go through this day… without your voice, your words, and your thoughts.

Today

I realized that you didn’t have the slightest motivation to reach out..I suddenly realized your limitations.. But then again, who am I to demand a portion of your time.
Today

I tried everything to exclude you from my thoughts even though doing this is next to impossible… but just like what they say… if you put your heart on it, eventually you’ll reach your goal.

Today

I will exhaust all efforts to move away from you, from anything that will remind me of you… You might be laughing right now, how could I possibly do that? For every time I laid my eyes on something.. your whole being flashes before my very eyes. Still, I could do this. To be honest, you’re already doing me a favor.. For helping me forget you.

Today

Even though my mind is in a collision with my heart, and my whole being in a constant battle with myself… this time, I will try to choose myself.

It has only been a day… and I am this tired already. I am so tired. So tired. Aren’t you getting tired too? Can’t we just stop this? Help me forget you, help me move on..

Help me cope with this mess that I made because to be honest… no matter how many times I kept saying I am going to choose myself.. no matter how many times I say that I have excluded you in my mind… I am still going to choose you.. Eventually, you’re the content of my mind lately. Part of me is still holding on.. Part of me wants to believe, part of me wants to continue this love-infested act that I have been doing.

And honestly speaking… it is so draining.

 

**I forgot the date when I started writing this 😂, it has been months tho..**

~ H (September 29, 2017; 7:14am)