I wanted to sleep

I wanted to sleep…
but my veins kept me in constant consciousness. My heart kept beating in such an unusual beat. My mind is in a chaotic state.

I wanted to sleep…
But I am constantly reminded of your voice. It acts as an alarm to wake my sleeping conscious and unconscious. It acts as my inner music and playlist.

I wanted to sleep…
But your eyes reminded me of bright lights. It kept my eyes awake, it kept my soul alert.

I wanted to sleep…
so I would have an escape. An escape from any thoughts about you, an escape from these raging emotions. 

I wanted to sleep…
because I wanted such emotions to end. I wanted to be able to let myself go from you since I already know the ending. I already know where to put the period in this paragraph. I already know this love story. I already know the ending. I already know that it is not me. 

I wanted to sleep…
So I will be free from any worries. I am in a constant battle with myself. I wanted you but I can’t have you. Why is it so hard to teach my heart such easy statement? Why is it so hard for my heart, mind, and soul to learn? 

I wanted to sleep…
For during the times of unconsciousness I am comforted with peace. I am comforted with dreams in contrast to my reality. I do not worry about your perspective in me, how you can’t give back the love I freely give.

I wanted to sleep…
because I am tired. I am emotionally drained but remained tongue-tied in venting out my feels to you. It was a handful duty for loving you however I do not regret any minute saving you from the negativity of this world that embraced you.

I wanted to sleep…
I wanted to rest physically since I still didn’t have the time to fully rest my body. I lost my appetite these past few days. I posted pics of food for show for I am a great pretender. I pretended I didn’t like you but deep inside my heart is dying, my mind is drowning, my soul is missing. 

I wanted to sleep…
For I needed someone’s warmth to reassure me that everything’s okay, that you’re okay. All I had is the warmthness of my bed and although it might not be enough but I can live with only this. 

I wanted to sleep… I wanted to sleep…
So that my mind will now be able to keep calm. So that my body will go back to its usual system. So that my heart will go back to its normal rhythm. Any thoughts of you heightened my nerves and constantly kept sending nerve cells around my body. 

I wanted to sleep so that I will be comforted with fantasy, that there will be an us. That things can go as planned.

However, any signs of sleepiness left me. I can’t bring myself to sleep since this day has been a memorable one. Suddenly, reality started to become better than my dreams.
~ H (June 23, 2017 1:40am)

I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)