Today

Today

I took the shortest route possible.. I didn’t have any second thoughts of walking from the cafe shop to my home…

 
Today

I tried to cram my thoughts about cases, disorders, and other psychological terms.. Statistics filled my weary mind.

Today

I took the quickest shower that I could possibly get. This was a first for me…

Today

I avoided any freaking love songs that could make me possibly think about you. Let’s put all the heart-breaking songs and the metallic ones that could awaken my depressive state.

Today

I finally decided to stop telling anyone my feelings about you. I believe repression is the key. I believe avoidance is the key.

Today

I wanted to condition myself to stop waiting for you, to stop expecting, to stop all these fantasies inside my head that you are always there for me…

Today

I managed to go through this day… without your voice, your words, and your thoughts.

Today

I realized that you didn’t have the slightest motivation to reach out..I suddenly realized your limitations.. But then again, who am I to demand a portion of your time.
Today

I tried everything to exclude you from my thoughts even though doing this is next to impossible… but just like what they say… if you put your heart on it, eventually you’ll reach your goal.

Today

I will exhaust all efforts to move away from you, from anything that will remind me of you… You might be laughing right now, how could I possibly do that? For every time I laid my eyes on something.. your whole being flashes before my very eyes. Still, I could do this. To be honest, you’re already doing me a favor.. For helping me forget you.

Today

Even though my mind is in a collision with my heart, and my whole being in a constant battle with myself… this time, I will try to choose myself.

It has only been a day… and I am this tired already. I am so tired. So tired. Aren’t you getting tired too? Can’t we just stop this? Help me forget you, help me move on..

Help me cope with this mess that I made because to be honest… no matter how many times I kept saying I am going to choose myself.. no matter how many times I say that I have excluded you in my mind… I am still going to choose you.. Eventually, you’re the content of my mind lately. Part of me is still holding on.. Part of me wants to believe, part of me wants to continue this love-infested act that I have been doing.

And honestly speaking… it is so draining.

 

**I forgot the date when I started writing this 😂, it has been months tho..**

~ H (September 29, 2017; 7:14am)

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I am tired

I’m tired.
Not the kind of tiredness which usual people experience daily.
Not the kind of tiredness which can be addressed when you rest.
Not the kind of tiredness people perceive that they go through.
This type of tiredness is different. A tiredness you’ll wish you won’t have.

I’m tired.
This type of exhaustion does not easily subside.
I feel that I have been awake for a thousand lifetimes and a thousand centuries. I feel that I’ve been through a lot of facets in life. I feel that I went to an endless operation and this time there is no backing out. I know that this seems ironic but I just wanted to express how tired I am with life.

I’m tired.
It’s as if all the burdens of this world were put into my shoulders. It weighed like a ton of bricks, and this time I think this heavy weight is too much to bear. I am easily fazed with emotions and the lightest things. It’s as if I suddenly became a helpless being that is so sensitive with the things that’s surrounding me.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with life in general. I’m tired with the infinite cycles of thoughts that kept bombarding my weary mind. I’m tired of the endless processes which my neurons and neurotransmitters kept on doing and I feel that they are tired also. I realized that my brain also gets tired.

I’m tired.
I feel that my heart is slowing down its pace. It’s as if it wanted me to rest. Not the kind of rest people usually perceive, but the kind of rest which most people have been yearning for. I can feel that the aorta and the ventricles are going to give up any minute now. I can feel that a ruptured vein is fast-apporaching.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with everything, I am tired with the constant cycle of life. When will this ever end? Will this end when the crabs learned how to fly? Or when  hell suddenly started to freeze?

I’m tired.
I’m tired, I’m tired,
I just wish that this endless trials will stop. I just pray that God would somehow end these cruel things that are trying to dominate my life.
I just hope that I’ll survive.

But the thing is, I am tired.
I realized after almost twenty-two years of existence, my whole being and my soul gets tired too.

However, a strong gravitational pull kept pulling me back to my senses. It serves as my constant reminder that I needed to fight, that the race of life has just started.

Despite the near-death experiences which my body kept on experiencing, a lot of people became my instruments of survival. They served as my electrical charge, my CPR, and my life-support. This somehow fueled my determination to fight, to live, and to evenly breathe. This somehow comforted me that everything will be okay. That I’ll be okay.

This time, maybe I just have to take baby steps. Eventually, it will be hard, eventually, it’ll be worst. So people, please don’t give up on me. Don’t get tired of constantly reminding me that I can make it, that I am a fighter. Feed me with positivity, with warmth and embrace. Because this time, I am admitting defeat, this time… I am raising the white flag.

~ H (July 21, 2017; 9:08pm)