All efforts went to the trash bin…
All attempts of distancing myself away from you can be compared to a losing battle.. to a failure.
It only took me one click, it only took me two words… two freaking words to break my composure.. to break all of these repression…
I don’t know anymore if ignoring you or repressing all these thoughts about you was a good thing. I don’t know if listening to their advice was a good thing. I don’t know anymore.
Everything reminds me of you.. every move I make, every action I do.. it all boils down to a thought or a memory of you…
How do I exclude you from my memories, from my thoughts?
~H (August 30, 2017; 10:50pm)
I just got home from a very long walk.
Instead of riding a jeepney and two tricycles… I chose to walk.
My brother told me I’m crazy. How could I possibly do that?
Well, that’s what you do to cope with this tremendous stress and sadness that are eating me alive.
Parallelism will cease to exist in this composition, like my heart who has been constantly shredded into fine pieces… without any form of order or pattern.
Words, phrases, sentences, and even paragraphs failed to describe the emotions that I have been dealing right now. My mind has been bombarded with trivial things. Things that you wished you didn’t hear.
These are emotions that are set to kill and destroy your well-being. Emotions that could set your heart into a chaotic mess.
It’s hard to be constantly slapped by the reality that his heart is set for someone else. Someone far better than you… far better than all the precious jewels combined from this world.
It’s painful to fully grasp this concept that you’ve become his pastime. That the love, passion, or admiration that I have cannot be reciprocated.
How does one tell their heart to stop its rhythmic beat for someone?
How does one tell their mind to halt their mind from expecting from someone?
I needed someone to crash my hopes now. Right at this moment. But when someone suddenly spoke the right words.. when someone suddenly stated that the remedy of this is time. All of a sudden, I wanted to raise the white flag.
The pain is still bearable. Tolerable.
However, I believe the force will gradually increase. I could feel it, the incoming palpitation and throbbing of my chest. This is something foreign to me, something scarier than the physical defect my heart has. Something that only time can heal.
So to the guys out there…
When a girl deeply admires you (and you know you can’t reciprocate it), crash their spirit, crash their soul… before their spark turns into flame, before a single drop turns into an ocean, and before the night turns into dawn.
Do them this favor, so they can somehow save themselves from drowning… do them this favor so that they can cope and move on.
And here I thought happy endings coexist with my reality. I’m afraid it’ll start to exist in my next life.
~H (Aug 4, 2017; 2:52am)