I don’t know why I am feeling these emotions.
Maybe because I miss the whole family (the whole clan) and no matter how much I try to understand them, how much I try to comprehend and analyze the situation… I still don’t get it.
I don’t know why such disputes have happened. During my childhood years it has always been taught that we must learn to forgive… to be the one who understands more… to be more loving.
Is it because of their age that’s why pride ate all those principles of forgiveness? Is it because they’ve aged that’s why they gained the right to not forgive? Is it because they started to stop being more loving? I don’t know why… I don’t know why.
I am studying psychology, even taking my masters… I’ve already took all the course electives that’s directly related to human emotions and behavior yet I still can’t find the answer… I still can’t find the reason to fully understand the situation…
Why? Why can’t people be more loving? Why can’t people be more forgiving? Life is like a flickering candle… you never know when our moments stop, you never know when our hearts will beat its last rhythm… you never know when you’ll inhale or exhale your last breath… you never know, you never know.
I don’t know why I am saying this… I don’t know why I am having these kind of emotions… but can’t they see that their grandchildren are suffering too? Can’t they see the missed opportunities to bond, to meet, to reach out and have fun?
A lot of events have happened that emphasized the division between the family clans… There’s so much clarity that people exhaust all their efforts to avoid each other…
Ugh, this frustration is eating me alive. I don’t know if this stress is a blessing since my mind has become so preoccupied that I failed to take notice the crucial things such as my non-existent love life and physical health.
Maybe because of my deteriorating health… my emotionality skyrocketed beyond its limit. Or maybe because I am longing… I longed for that day when all our families will unite as one… playing pik-pak-boom and endless pinoy henyos… I longed for that day when all of us travel and brought with us potlocked lunches… (omg is the spelling correct?)… I longed for that day when all the bitterness, sadness, and pride will cease to exist… and all that’s left
is love who paved its way in our hearts.
I am hoping and praying for that…
And hopefully… please let that happen when my heart is still evenly beating… and my lungs still evenly breathing.
~H (October 30, 2017; 10:49am)