Frustrations

I don’t know why I am feeling these emotions.

Maybe because I miss the whole family (the whole clan) and no matter how much I try to understand them, how much I try to comprehend and analyze the situation… I still don’t get it.

 
I don’t know why such disputes have happened. During my childhood years  it has always been taught that we must learn to forgive… to be the one who understands more… to be more loving.

Is it because of their age that’s why pride ate all those principles of forgiveness? Is it because they’ve aged that’s why they gained the right to not forgive? Is it because they started to stop being more loving? I don’t know why… I don’t know why.

I am studying psychology, even taking my masters… I’ve already took all the course electives that’s directly related to human emotions and behavior yet I still can’t find the answer… I still can’t find the reason to fully understand the situation…

Why? Why can’t people be more loving? Why can’t people be more forgiving? Life is like a flickering candle… you never know when our moments stop, you never know when our hearts will beat its last rhythm… you never know when you’ll inhale or exhale your last breath… you never know, you never know.

I don’t know why I am saying this… I don’t know why I am having these kind of emotions… but can’t they see that their grandchildren are suffering too? Can’t they see the missed opportunities to bond, to meet, to reach out and have fun?

A lot of events have happened that emphasized the division between the family clans… There’s so much clarity that people exhaust all their efforts to avoid each other…

Ugh, this frustration is eating me alive. I don’t know if this stress is a blessing since my mind has become so preoccupied that I failed to take notice the crucial things such as my non-existent love life and physical health.

Maybe because of my deteriorating health… my emotionality skyrocketed beyond its limit. Or maybe because I am longing… I longed for that day when all our families will unite as one… playing pik-pak-boom and endless pinoy henyos… I longed for that day when all of us travel and brought with us potlocked lunches… (omg is the spelling correct?)… I longed for that day when all the bitterness, sadness, and pride will cease to exist… and all that’s left

 

 

is love who paved its way in our hearts.

 

I am hoping and praying for that…
And hopefully… please let that happen when my heart is still evenly beating… and my lungs still evenly breathing.

~H (October 30, 2017; 10:49am)

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How do you tell someone to stop? 

How do you tell someone to stop loving you?

How do you say the words “I dont love you, I’m sorry..” without shattering his heart into fine pieces? 

How do you state the words “I am sorry but I cannot reciprocate the love you freely give to me.” without hurting this person?

How do you say such sentences without breaking someone’s heart?

How do you tell someone to stop expecting? To stop yearning that there is a slight chance or hope that the two of us could be as one. 

How do you tell such person to stop bombarding me with mindful thoughts that are trying to eat me alive. This is far from the cuteness which one may expect. This is far more different than the sappy love stories and movies we usually watch. 

How do you tell someone to give up? To give up any thoughts of having a relationship with me and move one. I know he deserves someone far better than me. Someone who would not take him for granted. Someone who is willing to reciprocate the love he effortlessly give. 

It was foolish of me to say that maybe he can expect me to garner romantic emotions towards him if I suffered amnesia.

 
But he was so heartless to say that he wished for it to happen to me. That life would be cruel enough to erase any thoughts of not wanting him and eventually fall in love with him. His confession scared me. He confessed that he wants me to be involved in a trauma so that I could have a retrograde amnesia. 

But do remember this one thing… 

The mind may forget, but the heart does not. Despite my heart’s internal glitches and flaws, I believe that it is still good in one thing. It knows that it will only constantly beat to someone I dearly love. 

However, I also wanted someone to tell me such harsh statements. So that I could stop yearning for any thoughts of us. So that I could finally grasp the reality that I am treading to. I wanted that someone to directly say that he couldn’t reciprocate the love I can willingly give. I don’t expect an apology nor any ‘I’m sorry’ statements for he didn’t do any wrong. It’s not his fault for not loving me, it’s not his fault for not giving back for this isn’t a symbiotic relationship where the two benefits from eachother. 

I hope he tells me such statements soon. Before the very depths of the pacific ocean engulfs me whole, before I fall into a limitless abyss and reach to the point where there is no turning back. 

I don’t care if it’ll hurt like hell. I don’t care if my heart will weigh as if it carries all the burdens of the world. I don’t care if my mind would explode like a huge meteorite. I don’t care if my whole being would be shattered into miniscule pieces. I don’t care. But I do care about the thoughts he has or me. 

~ H (July 28, 2017; 8:13pm)

Well that escalated quickly. Here I thought I am just going to vent out about someone constantly not giving up on me. It has been very stressful mentally and emotionally lately.