Parallel Universe

Maybe in a parallel universe…

both of us would walk the same path…

hold the same warm hands…

whisper the same words.
a concept of reciprocity will begin to exist.

all erratic pain will cease to exist.

Right then and there… all will fall in its rightful place.
Two hearts finally beating as one. 
Beloved.. where are you? 

I am relentlessly waiting.
~ H (March 14, 2018; 1:39am)

p.s. finally got an excuse to post my pics lol. forgive my vanity please 😹

Advertisements

Last Night

I have experienced the most excruciating pain last night. It’s as if it tore my heart out from limb to limb… 

It’s as if my life was slowly sucked from my physical body… ceasing all human functions, hindering all simple tasks. Pain… just pure pain coursing through my veins.

Last night… Last night was totally different. I thought I have already experienced the most painful wave of pain that is deemed to be rated as number 10 based from the universal pain scale. But last night… even number 11 was an understatement. If only I could rate it beyond the universal pain scale… I would have rated it to 100. The pain was sudden, gradual, and will leave you paralyzed for a few hours.

Last night, only tears were shed. Last night, the most sincerest prayer were uttered. Last night, it felt like heaven has become much closer compared with other previous attacks. Last night, I would have gladly chosen death before anything else. 
The pain was truly remarkable… it surpassed all my set expectations, beliefs, and even my terribly high standards. It broke the guiness’ book of records… and with this information I am beyond scared with grief.

I am scared. 

Scratch that… saying scared would be an understatement… stating I am terrified with this new growing pain inside of me is really an understatement.

I  am not scared because my days are numbered. 

I am not scared if death would be knocking at my doorstep. No.

I am frightened to go through all this pain again, quietly writhing in pain so your family wont hear you… I am frightened to go through that pain… alone again.

I am scared of leaving this world alone. 
My time may have a few drops of sand left… and I know that my clock has not chimed its last rhythm. I hope and pray I would be able to live the rest of my remaining time with a peaceful and healthy heart. 
Besides, I know and believe that up there.. someone I love will dearly welcome me with open arms. 

and a familiar voice will eventually say
“You made it, Hazel. No more fear and no more pain.” 

~ March 8, 2018; 12:21am

5pm thoughts

I just realized that I have been quite selfish recently…
I have taken things for granted…
It finally dawned to me that…
My body doesn’t have the qualifications to like or love anyone right now. 
Sick self, please heal your heart soon. 
~ H (January 15, 2018; 5:26pm)

Playing

I don’t know what could be the best title for this writing piece… I hope you help me out with this.

 
Here it goes… another writing entry.

 

He entered the music room with his sleek shoes noisily tik and tak… it’s as if he is sporting a new commercial or modeling his profligate being.

 

I still continued on playing the piano, it has been ages since I last played and to be honest I can feel myself slightly rusty due to my unused talent. He proceeded to lean on the piano and looked at me.

 

“When was the time my fingers last graced over these white and black keys?” I asked as I continue to gracefully press the rustic keys of this piano. I shifted to the key of D on a different octave… my favorite piece started to fill the Christmas air.

 

“I don’t know, you ask him” He tapped the piano and guffawed. He then proceeded to situate himself at my back and tried reading my clumsy notes that I have been hastily writing on for the past hour.

 

I can feel the intense weight of his curiosity as he tried to make sense with the nonsensical notes that I’ve written in my music book… notes that I believe won’t make sense in the eyes of a non-musician like him. I stopped playing and faced him.

 

“I am working on a musical piece… I am trying to compose one again” I explained and faced the piano again.

 
“What for?” His voice suddenly lightened up.

 
“I don’t know… the last composition that I did was ages ago… maybe during my Highschool years and part of me wanted to compose again.”

 
“And you’re planning to consolidate all these instruments to the said piece?” He waved over his hand to all the instruments inside this music room.

 
“Yep” I popped the ‘p’ and proceeded playing the piano.

 
“Cool” He sighed with awe and proceeded to lean on the piano once again, facing me.

 
“I wish I could help you though” He stated. I stopped playing the piano and faced him.

 
“I wish you could” I heartily laughed and then shifted my attention to the acoustic guitar lying on the floor. I proceeded strumming, key G wafted down and filled the room.

 
“Ugh, what instruments can’t you play?”  He breathed with a mixture of awe and jealousy. I stopped strumming the guitar and seriously looked at him.

 

 

 

“A human’s heart” I whispered.

 

“A what?” Confusion laced his voice.

 

“I can never play a human’s heart nor have the right or ability to do so, I don’t have the heart to strum someone’s heartstrings and leave it once I am done using it.” 

~ H (November 26, 2017; 11:04am)

 

p.s. I don’t know where I got such inspiration to write this.
More personal excerpts coming soon. I found my old notebook filled with poetry and other nonsensical content way back 2014. If ever I finally have the time… I’ll gladly post it here. If ever I have TIME.

p.p.s I am starting to love writing short excerpts like this. I hope I’ll get to publish my collection soon. My journal’s running out of space for me to write. I don’t know if this is an indication that I need to stop, or I need another notebook to express myself thoroughly.

Everything suddenly makes sense

Everything suddenly makes sense…

Everything suddenly makes sense… everything suddenly adds up… all my theoretical assumptions has been proven and supported by reliable sources.

It hurts that such thoughts of mine has been backed up with citations that can be deemed by the APA administration to be acceptable. It hurts to know that all my overthinking and constant panic thoughts were all true.

They broke the sad news.. the unfortunate news that I have been dreading to hear.. finally, someone yet again crashed my spirits… someone finally broke the ice, someone finally bluntly stated that I am not the one you are yearning for…

I am not the reason of your smile, of your admiration, of your inspiration… it hurts. It freaking hurts.

They told me that I need to stop expecting.. they told me to stop investing my time on you.. they told me to move on… to repress all of these things.

HOW?

Every distance I make hurts like hell… every stride I make away from you are torture to my whole being.

I wish all of this is just a nightmare… I can’t wait to wake up from this torturous and deep slumber… It hurts, everything hurts…

Here I thought I am going to be sent to the ER again, because the heaviness of my heart can’t be contained by my physiological being…

Where are the people who said they will never leave? Where are they when I needed them most? I needed saving from everything that this world has embraced me.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:43pm)

Jusko, mahirap ba akong mahalin?
Ayaw ko na.
Pagod na pagod na ako.

Moments

At these strange moments, 
I realized that I have forgotten..

I have forgotten what dying feels like, what pain looks like. 

During these moments, my world stopped, my heartbeat in its regular rhythm, my breathing at its easiest pace. 

Such strange moments where only your eyes matter, your smile so radiant, your soul illuminating the very depths of my cold heart. 

~ H (August 12, 2017; 11:34pm)

Short entryyy 

Before I sleep my dearest… 

And before I sleep my dearest,

sing no melancholic lullabies for me,

for my heart is frail and my mind is weak. I am easily swayed by emotions and easily cry to little things. I already know where this is all going, where we are all going. It’s a destination I am not looking forward to so please… take it easy, try to break down into pieces the harsh truth that I am about to face.

Before I sleep my dearest, 

tell no lonely goodbyes for me..

for I still yearn for you, I still cling to you like lice that how many times I tried putting my mind off from you, you still dominate my heart, my whole being. I am well aware that I am not only standing by the edge of the knife or clinging to you like I am at the brink of despair… I am treading into thin ice and I know that one wrong move, one wrong step then everything is history.

Before I sleep my dearest,

say no lies and false hopes and promises. I am the girl who easily believes in everything; the one who easily expects, and the one who gets hurt quite easily. Feed me with the truth even though the result can shatter my heart, and my soul. Punch me with the harsh reality that your heart is already set for someone else. 

Before I sleep my dearest,

Grab the opportunity to hold me while I am still conscious, while I am still awake… talk to me, speak to me, tell me the contents of your heart. I don’t care if it’s about her or someone you know, I don’t care if it will shred my heart into pieces, I don’t care if it will put my mind into a chaotic state and dilemma, I don’t care if it will shatter my whole being.. All I am asking is I want to hear from you. So that I could put an end to this, to end this miserable journey and to move on. 
Before I peacefully sleep my dearest..

sing no melancholic lullabies for me, tell no lonely goodbyes for me, say no lies, and false hopes and promises… I want to hear from you… I’ve missed you. 

~ H (July 16, 2017; 12:22am)

p.s. I have incoherent thoughts because I am sleepy at the same time highly emotional. I hope this article is okay. 

I’ve Been Robbed – Her Point of View

I remember that time when I was walking on my way home from school when suddenly my phone rang, I decided to ignore it since I am in a highway but later on realized it was my brother. I pushed the talk button and put my phone on my ear when suddenly it was taken away from me.

“You! Give my back freakin’ phone!” I said with quite a shock, he quickly ran away from me and made a sharp turn at the nearest corner. Conflicting thoughts began to engulf me…

Files, reports, passwords, contacts, pictures.. PICTURES! My precious pictures! I decided to go after him. It was night time, since all the lamp post’s lights were on. I finally caught up with him. My mind was already set since that phone is much more precious than my life right now. My future lies in my phone right now.  I never realized that this small simple act will change my life forever.

“Hey you! I’ll give you P1000 in exchange for my phone, that’s all I have so don’t ask for a raise, I even have to find a way to go home. I promise I won’t file a report about this” I’m getting desperate by the minute then I was engulfed by his mesmerizing eyes. Is it just me or is this guy a local model? Is he mute? Because He can speak anytime now, gosh he’s making me nervous and queasy.

“A thousand for this iPhone 5s? I don’t think so haha how will you go home missy?” He still managed to joke while we are in this situation? He must be kidding me.

“That’s for me to think about and you to find out now my phone please because at this moment it is a life and death experience for me” I don’t know why I can still maintain my mind being sane at this moment. There’s this look from him that I could not fathom, is it because of pity or the desperateness from my voice? Then I realized that my whole body is shaking as if convulsing and fresh tears immersed from my weary eyes. I handed my P1000 bill to him which he easily took. He opened my phone, typed something then handed it to me and simply walked away. Is that it? No knife stabs, nothing, just his name and his cellphone number. Weird… but then..

I was really glad for that encounter not because I was robbed but mainly because I was the robber back then. I can’t believe I actually robbed my husband’s heart. Even though I was robbed on our bittersweet encounter but later on I realized, I was really the robber back then.

Dearest Husband, happy 35th Anniversary!

#HVM
– Random thoughts, random feelings, random emotions.
Fiction.
February 2, 2015 (Monday)

1 2

clearl

Simply Me

There’s this part of my Brochure (Our Final Exam in Philosophy class : To make a brochure about ourselves) that we have to describe ourselves. Finally, my chance to tell the whole world who I am. Will this opportunity make or break me? We never know. Writing is like breathing to me but in this part, I feel like I am in my ‘Nothingness Box’. Well, in the end I eventually started scribbling words while flashbacks started to cloud my weary mind. You judge if I am successful describing myself.

 In a Rollercoaster That Never Goes Down

My life has been challenging since the day I opened my eyes to see this breathtaking world. I was one of those who stayed in their mother’s womb for eight months. They thought I was forever lost but they finally heard my sweet cry, drowning the tense atmosphere of the hospital room. I believe that I was a new blessing bestowed to accomplish a certain mission. Later on I discovered something that changed my life from an instant.

During my childhood years, I was diagnosed to have an inborn heart ailment and there was no known cure yet. At first, I did not mind it because I thought it was just an average sickness but then I was feeling a pain that is highly foreign for me. Then out of the sudden realization finally struck my naïve mind, good thing I got a firm grasp with God at that time. I think my life has never been simple but I know it is filled with wondrous blessings from above. I keep on encouraging myself that I am in a rollercoaster that never goes down.

Despite the trials and circumstances that fully hinder me from completing my mission for this world, I believe God will sustain me. I may be weak but my God is strong. God simply works in ways we cannot see. Right now, I am truly blessed with what He has done in my life; the goals I achieved, bondages I have conquered and many more. And there is this underlying hope within me that someday I will be able to reach that certain place wherein pain and suffering are void and only the love of God matters.

#HVM

~ Introduction, First Part of my Brochure in Philosophy under Ms. Floran D. Tan
I wanted to say that this is fictional but I believe this time, it’s not the time to lie. 🙂 I am simply blessed. :>
March 3, 2013 (3:22pm)