Are you aware?

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

The constant butterflies in my stomach whenever you crossed my mind… I believe that butterflies is an understatement… there are dragons inside my stomach whenever I look at you.. whenever I see you.. your eyes, your smile, your whole being.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

The constant palpitation in my chest. And here I thought I am sick, it’s just my heart getting excited upon seeing you, getting excited with your presence, with your whole being.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

I feel secured when you embraced me, I feel that all the negativity and all the sadness were completely washed away as soon as I felt your warm embrace. In your arms I found my refuge, in your arms I found my strength.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

I can’t even look at you, I forgot the color of your eyes, the shape of your face, the structure of your jaw line… when will be the time where I can freely gaze at you and your beautifully-flawed features?

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Your voice are like music in my ears, your laugh brings joy to my heart. I realized that I would always love these simple things.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Your handwritten pieces are like abstract art to me, your paintings and beautiful pieces are my inspiration… I hope you realize your worth when it comes to these things. Your pieces are beautiful.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

My heart instantly skips a beat whenever your name shows up at my phone. My mood immediately lightens up whenever I received a notification from you. You are my favorite notification, I hope you realize that.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Despite the tiredness that I feel, the illness that got me, the negativity of this world that embraced me… all of these things suddenly makes no sense as soon as I read your encouraging words, these things became useless as soon as I heard your reassuring voice, telling me to continue the good fight of faith.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

You are the reason why I am sleep-deprived these past few days.. The reason why my mind has been constantly processing thoughts non-stop.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Frustrations, doubts, and second-guessing myself. Am I really the one? Or am I assuming things? Should I give in to what they are saying? Negativity once embraced me again. I am not saying this is your fault. Blame my weary mind, blame my weary heart. Blame my friends who does not support me for loving you. Blame their discouraging words and endless advice. Blame all of them but yourself.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

There are a lot of moments where I forgot what dying feels like and what pain feels like… For in those moments, there’s only you and me.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Frustrations again, I am tired of this unrequited love. Can’t you just crash my spirits right now? Before this sadness eats up my entire universe, before this despair swallows me whole.

 

Are you aware?
Are you aware?

I’m afraid not.
~H (August 26, 2017; 12:43am)

Advertisements

I hope you know…

Despite all the things that they have said..
Despite the fact that you didn’t even loved me in the first place…
Despite all the negative things and statements they have been throwing at me about you…

 

I still love you..

I still do..

I hope you know that.

Even though I needed to love myself.. even though they kept instilling that self-love is the key to this illness that got me… I would still choose to love you… despite the pain, despite the hurt that has been eating me alive.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:56pm)

 

 

Everything suddenly makes sense

Everything suddenly makes sense…

Everything suddenly makes sense… everything suddenly adds up… all my theoretical assumptions has been proven and supported by reliable sources.

It hurts that such thoughts of mine has been backed up with citations that can be deemed by the APA administration to be acceptable. It hurts to know that all my overthinking and constant panic thoughts were all true.

They broke the sad news.. the unfortunate news that I have been dreading to hear.. finally, someone yet again crashed my spirits… someone finally broke the ice, someone finally bluntly stated that I am not the one you are yearning for…

I am not the reason of your smile, of your admiration, of your inspiration… it hurts. It freaking hurts.

They told me that I need to stop expecting.. they told me to stop investing my time on you.. they told me to move on… to repress all of these things.

HOW?

Every distance I make hurts like hell… every stride I make away from you are torture to my whole being.

I wish all of this is just a nightmare… I can’t wait to wake up from this torturous and deep slumber… It hurts, everything hurts…

Here I thought I am going to be sent to the ER again, because the heaviness of my heart can’t be contained by my physiological being…

Where are the people who said they will never leave? Where are they when I needed them most? I needed saving from everything that this world has embraced me.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:43pm)

Jusko, mahirap ba akong mahalin?
Ayaw ko na.
Pagod na pagod na ako.

I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)