An Honest Conversation

Random conversation with my schoolmate way way way way… back high school.
This just happened a few days ago…

“It’s your fault, you won’t give me any chance that I could possibly get” He muttered with exasperation, I sighed in defeat.

“You deserve far better” I softly stated.

“How? How can you say that you are not better?”

“Seriously? Are we having this kind of conversation again?” I laughed and looked at the clock.

“It’s only 7pm for heaven’s sake,  and we’re having a very deep conversation already” I laughed again, but then I noticed his features, I can feel every bit or ounce of seriousness oozing from his stature, I then stopped my laughing… maybe he is really serious with this. But then again, I really thought he has already moved on, it’s been six years since he first confessed.

“There’s a great distance between ‘Hazel’ and ‘Better'” I continued.

“How?”

One way or another, I will be having this conversation… why not spill all the negative thoughts I have right now with him?

“I may take people’s efforts and love for granted… mainly because I’m not yet ready. I believe that in order to love someone wholeheartedly, you must first love yourself.” I paused and looked at his reaction. I can’t quite understand his face actually. What could he be thinking right now?

“You know, I am still in the process of exploring and knowing the true essence of self-love” I continued. He took a step back, and proceeded with a defensive stance.

“Well, you could do that by entertaining, and who knows? Maybe giving somebody a chance to love you might help you love yourself as well” He stated with conviction. But why do I feel that what he is saying is still wrong? Now, I am getting more and more confused.

“Still, you know me… I can’t afford to hurt anyone for that matter. Even though I may not have one for the last 21 years of my existence here on earth.. still, I know that there should be a ‘give’and ‘take’ in a relationship. I can’t give something that I don’t have yet… More or less, if I invested in a relationship, it may have chaotic and devastating results since my other half is busy filling me up, he may feel empty because he isn’t receiving the right love in return.” I don’t know what got me, but suddenly, everything is starting to make sense.

“You don’t love to get love in return” He smiled. But something is still off.

“Yes, that’s the statement I’ve been holding on… however in this world, that is not the reality. I’ve came across with a lot of clients, friends, and loved ones who realized that love is a symbiotic relationship where you may take, but you also need to give. It is not always the case where you constantly take a piece of him, of his time, of his effort… you also need to give away something that is a part of you, to make such relationship work.” I defended. Seriously, he did not inform me that this type of conversation is highly related to my thesis defense where I need to defend my thoughts and beliefs towards love.

“Yes, I know that you should give as well. I also know that love is more pain than joy. Maybe right now, you can’t give back the love you have been receiving since you are still ‘loving’ yourself. But Hazel, you are worth the investment” He said and deeply sighed. Upon hearing those words, I am waiting for butterflies in my stomach but only emptiness dominated my whole being.

“HAHAHAHAHA Let’s stop this convo, ugh look at the time… it’s way too early to have such deep conversation” I tried to laugh off all the increased tension and awkwardness.

“But I am serious, Hazel” He still maintained his serious act. Can’t we just stop this conversation and continue with our separate lives? I don’t want to hurt him.

“Serious in what sense?” I just wanted to check if all of this is just an act and he would be back to his old jolly and clown-self.

“In all sense.. to be honest, I have a lot of insecurities, especially towards you” This statement piqued my interest.

“You’ve got to be kidding me… like?”  Why would he feel insecure with me? I am also a damaged human being in need of someone’s love too. But of course, not from him.

“Well, I’ve done a lot of mistakes in the past, mistakes that I am pretty sure you are well aware of.. but look at you… your whole being is so pure. Would you still accept me despite all of that?” I know what he means.

“It has always been declared not only from the bible but also in our church that we are a new creation of God. He has already delivered you from your past mistakes. You also need to forgive yourself.”

“You haven’t answered my question” He reminded me.

“I would still accept you or everyone for that matter, I would embrace their flaws and imperfections” I replied in a generalized manner.

“Awwww, see? Now tell me, who  told you that you are not better?” I laughed at his statement since I am unable to respond to that. Uncertainty still embraced my whole being. But one things is certain..

I am not in love with him.

“Anyways, would you give me a chance?” He questioned me again. This time, I need to tell him the truth..

“I don’t know how to answer that without completely breaking your heart… Honestly,  I’m in love with someone else.” There… I said it. I don’t know if I said it for him, or I am saying it for myself. I don’t know anymore.

“Okay” 

“You deserve far better than me… I hope you realize that. God bless” Just to ease the tension and awkwardness and at the same time end this conversation.

“You don’t know that yet… quit judging the future” And I;m afraid, that concludes our conversation.

He’s right… no one is certain of the future. But through this conversation, realizations hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe, I really still need to love myself, or what if… a certain someone could show me or help me how to really love myself.

Through this conversation, all certain things became uncertain… yet some uncertain things finally became certain.

I am certain, that I am in love with someone.

I finally learned to let the chips fall where they may and entrust everything to our sovereign Lord. This time, I am giving back the pen to the author of my life and love story… this time I would sit back, read, and watch about my future slowly unraveling before my very eyes.

 

~H (September 22, 2017; 3:01am)

 

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Late night thoughts

Late night thoughts consume her incessantly… this was when people started to slip into a heavy slumber and the lights started to dim and all that she feels is the calmness of the night, all that she hears is the lonely clatter of the grandfather clock. 

This time she would feel her composure slip away, her heart would constantly palpitate and her whole being drowned to uneasiness. 

At this moment, she would try to cram her mind with thoughts – psychology, art, love, poems, organizations, statistics, and endless term papers but the disquiet still stayed with her.

Yet a sweet and warm embraced engulfed her and crashed every bit of negativity that tried to take refuge… she realized that hope was still there, that You were still there.  She failed to see that You were the love that rescued her. That You are her first love.  
Lord, I will be forever thankful for Your never-ending guidance and grace. ♥

~H (August 5, 2016; 8:58pm) ONE YEAR ASDFGHJKL!