Moments

At these strange moments, 
I realized that I have forgotten..

I have forgotten what dying feels like, what pain looks like. 

During these moments, my world stopped, my heartbeat in its regular rhythm, my breathing at its easiest pace. 

Such strange moments where only your eyes matter, your smile so radiant, your soul illuminating the very depths of my cold heart. 

~ H (August 12, 2017; 11:34pm)

Short entryyy 

I am raising the white flag

It has been really hard these past few months. 

Trials have tested me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

These past few months, I’ve tried carrying my own burdens. These past few weeks, it seems like death is nearer compared before. These past few days… physiological effects dominated me. It’s hard, it’s hard. 

I am scared, I am frightened, I am terrified. Name it, name every word that can be related to these words… that’s what I am feeling right now. 

I am nervous each time my heart skipped a beat, I am beyond scared for each palpitation.. each physical ache my heart constantly make… 

I am sad because the activities that I love doing has decreased. Limitations were set, barriers were established, and hindrances suddenly grew in number. 

Will such dreams only stay in writing? Was the list that I made, far-fetched?

Does the Maker of stars hear my heart breaking? Does the Author of life itself notice my soul is dying? Does the Creator of such universe sees my spirit is yearning?

I am tired with all these processes and all these trials. It seems that exhaustion has finally caught up with me. 

This time, I don’t know what I feel. All I know is that I am so tired… so tired that I want to rest with the Maker of heavens.

This time… I am raising the white flag. 
~H (August 16, 2017; 7:27am)

I am tired

I’m tired.
Not the kind of tiredness which usual people experience daily.
Not the kind of tiredness which can be addressed when you rest.
Not the kind of tiredness people perceive that they go through.
This type of tiredness is different. A tiredness you’ll wish you won’t have.

I’m tired.
This type of exhaustion does not easily subside.
I feel that I have been awake for a thousand lifetimes and a thousand centuries. I feel that I’ve been through a lot of facets in life. I feel that I went to an endless operation and this time there is no backing out. I know that this seems ironic but I just wanted to express how tired I am with life.

I’m tired.
It’s as if all the burdens of this world were put into my shoulders. It weighed like a ton of bricks, and this time I think this heavy weight is too much to bear. I am easily fazed with emotions and the lightest things. It’s as if I suddenly became a helpless being that is so sensitive with the things that’s surrounding me.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with life in general. I’m tired with the infinite cycles of thoughts that kept bombarding my weary mind. I’m tired of the endless processes which my neurons and neurotransmitters kept on doing and I feel that they are tired also. I realized that my brain also gets tired.

I’m tired.
I feel that my heart is slowing down its pace. It’s as if it wanted me to rest. Not the kind of rest people usually perceive, but the kind of rest which most people have been yearning for. I can feel that the aorta and the ventricles are going to give up any minute now. I can feel that a ruptured vein is fast-apporaching.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with everything, I am tired with the constant cycle of life. When will this ever end? Will this end when the crabs learned how to fly? Or when  hell suddenly started to freeze?

I’m tired.
I’m tired, I’m tired,
I just wish that this endless trials will stop. I just pray that God would somehow end these cruel things that are trying to dominate my life.
I just hope that I’ll survive.

But the thing is, I am tired.
I realized after almost twenty-two years of existence, my whole being and my soul gets tired too.

However, a strong gravitational pull kept pulling me back to my senses. It serves as my constant reminder that I needed to fight, that the race of life has just started.

Despite the near-death experiences which my body kept on experiencing, a lot of people became my instruments of survival. They served as my electrical charge, my CPR, and my life-support. This somehow fueled my determination to fight, to live, and to evenly breathe. This somehow comforted me that everything will be okay. That I’ll be okay.

This time, maybe I just have to take baby steps. Eventually, it will be hard, eventually, it’ll be worst. So people, please don’t give up on me. Don’t get tired of constantly reminding me that I can make it, that I am a fighter. Feed me with positivity, with warmth and embrace. Because this time, I am admitting defeat, this time… I am raising the white flag.

~ H (July 21, 2017; 9:08pm)

I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)

It’s When I let The Words Flood In

Days have passed and nothing seems wrong,
But what is this feeling? This mystique feeling?
It’s as if my heart yearns at something for so long,
Is this reality or am I just dreaming?

I am well-aware that this feeling is above normal,
Is this planned or is this fated?
I slowly directed my attention to the person I waited,
Why are these feelings of mine so crucial?

Fresh tears began to immerse,
As I slowly walked towards him
I feel like my heart is about to burst
He is slowly singing my broken hymn.

I could not understand…
What are his intentions?
What are his reasons?
These things I cannot merely withstand.

Why do men tend to complicate things?
Why are they being so impossible?
Can they not accept we are just human beings?
Bearing a heart that is not so flexible.

Maybe someday I would be able to understand
Hoping that, that someday is now,
Traumatized to believe in any vow,
I hope they will be able to understand where I stand.

It wasn’t easy to be in this situation,
What more, for those who have a weak heart,
Rising turmoil and hazy confusion
Oh, this place is tearing me apart.

Now, I just have to earnestly hope,
And live my life and cherish every moment,
Forget those whose intention is to torment,
And must forcibly learn how to cope.

Right now, all I need to do is pray,
because this will save me from a lot of worthless pain.
And believe that everything will be okay
And have faith that my love will not be put in vain.

#HVM 1:40am April 19, 2013
haha my “sabaw” moments. This is the consequence of forgetting our first love. Which is you Jesus. :”>