I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

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Today

Today

I took the shortest route possible.. I didn’t have any second thoughts of walking from the cafe shop to my home…

 
Today

I tried to cram my thoughts about cases, disorders, and other psychological terms.. Statistics filled my weary mind.

Today

I took the quickest shower that I could possibly get. This was a first for me…

Today

I avoided any freaking love songs that could make me possibly think about you. Let’s put all the heart-breaking songs and the metallic ones that could awaken my depressive state.

Today

I finally decided to stop telling anyone my feelings about you. I believe repression is the key. I believe avoidance is the key.

Today

I wanted to condition myself to stop waiting for you, to stop expecting, to stop all these fantasies inside my head that you are always there for me…

Today

I managed to go through this day… without your voice, your words, and your thoughts.

Today

I realized that you didn’t have the slightest motivation to reach out..I suddenly realized your limitations.. But then again, who am I to demand a portion of your time.
Today

I tried everything to exclude you from my thoughts even though doing this is next to impossible… but just like what they say… if you put your heart on it, eventually you’ll reach your goal.

Today

I will exhaust all efforts to move away from you, from anything that will remind me of you… You might be laughing right now, how could I possibly do that? For every time I laid my eyes on something.. your whole being flashes before my very eyes. Still, I could do this. To be honest, you’re already doing me a favor.. For helping me forget you.

Today

Even though my mind is in a collision with my heart, and my whole being in a constant battle with myself… this time, I will try to choose myself.

It has only been a day… and I am this tired already. I am so tired. So tired. Aren’t you getting tired too? Can’t we just stop this? Help me forget you, help me move on..

Help me cope with this mess that I made because to be honest… no matter how many times I kept saying I am going to choose myself.. no matter how many times I say that I have excluded you in my mind… I am still going to choose you.. Eventually, you’re the content of my mind lately. Part of me is still holding on.. Part of me wants to believe, part of me wants to continue this love-infested act that I have been doing.

And honestly speaking… it is so draining.

 

**I forgot the date when I started writing this 😂, it has been months tho..**

~ H (September 29, 2017; 7:14am)

Tight Chest, Heavy Heart

I don’t know what title should I be using to fully capture what I will be writing for today.
As soon as I got home, I immediately opened my laptop and started writing. Sorry, my sentences might turn out to be so random, and this piece of writing might be terribly long and incoherent… So if you don’t have the heart to read such dramatic post, please exit your browser haha.

Ugh, I don’t know why I am discouraging you to read this… Part of me is scared of spilling all the negative thoughts that has been haunting me these past few months, thoughts I wouldn’t have the heart to share with everyone.

So please… if you don’t like teenage drama and all… please click the “x” button above. Or if you are too stubborn and would still push through… you have been warned. In any case, who reads this anyway? haha

Thoughts bombarded my weary mind, it has been a looooong day.
Here I thought, watching Love You to the Stars and Back (LYSB) was a good thing.. or is it?

This movie stifled a lot of emotions inside me, it made me laugh and cry my heart out at the same time. I don’t even know that this is possible. A lot of people may view this movie as something that is hyped and too mainstream… but let’s not focus on their perspective, I won’t even focus at the actors background, I wouldn’t even make a movie review..

For the first, this writing piece would be about me and how this movie speaks to me. (Or is it?)
I was able to empathize with Caloy (Joshua Garcia), not the kind of empathy where I have cancer and all, but the kind of situation that he has been going through in the movie.

To be honest, these past few months I perceived life as something that is greatly unfair towards me. At first, I am the Caloy who has this happy and carefree attitude of not letting this illness take over my life. I’ve been there, it is so freeing to have this kind of mindset and attitude to be exceptionally positive in all things. However as the trials began to grow heavier and my days began to grow longer…I realized that maybe, the ‘self’ that I am projecting was only a facade.

Tough trials tossed me as if I am in the middle of an eye of a storm. Through this process, all my pretentious-self was suddenly disclosed. All forms and types of concealment that I managed to cover my damaged-being have lost its purpose. This time, (Although I have constantly declared that I admit defeat) it’s different.

For the first time, someone is acting they way I have been acting lately…
For the first time, somebody said the right words I have been yearning to say…
For the first time, somebody expressed my thoughts that has been eating my mind away..
That somebody is Caloy…

It hurts to feel everything and nothing all at once..
It hurts to hear the statements that has been constantly the voice inside my head.

At the same time, it has been reassuring too.
To know that someone has been going through the same pain, sadness, and burdens that I have been going through.

Caloy’s line struck my heart like lightning…
At times, I wanted to tell my parents and loved ones that this battle that I have been going through is so tough that I wanted to rest with the Maker of the heavens soon.

(Side note: One time, mom accidentally read my journal entry regarding my physical struggles, she immediately cried and prayed for me… wishing she could switch places with me, that’s the time I promised myself to not show any signs of struggles that I have been going through because it pained my heart to see a broken soul sob like that, Love you mom! xx)

They may know what I have been going through, they may know the hardships and trials that tirelessly slap me… however they didn’t really know the pain I had to go through… they don’t even get the shots that usually makes me weak to the core, the meds that makes me feel sick… they don’t know the feeling of having to go again to the limitless process during hospital visits… Every week I had the privilege to get easily sick because my immune system sucks, every day I had to experience 5-9 likert-scale pain, every hour palpitations disturbed my inner being, every minute anxiety consumes me because you never know when your heart will lose its purpose… and to be honest…

I am tired. (repeat 9999x)

A lot of people may view some of my actions as crazy and beyond insane..
To tire myself up to the point where I have reached my limit..
To consume caffeine-induced drinks..
To erase the word “rest” in my vocabulary even though I am conscious to know that I needed it the most..

Can’t they see? These things make me feel alive…
I believe this is my own coping mechanism.. to incessantly prove to people that I am still me, the healthy me, the stronger me, the not-sick me, the I-can-do-it me…

Through these activities, it gives me an impression that I am still able to do things.. that I have the free will and freedom to choose what I wanted to do… A chance to do these things that I have been deprived of during my childhood.

(Side note: Wasn’t allowed to bike during childhood since my parents were so paranoid and overly protective… that’s the reason why I crave biking these past few months)

These things kept my mind occupied.. it veered me away to any negative thoughts that attempted to consume my inner being, away from the illness that got me… however I realized.. that it’s already too late.
The negative thoughts have dominated my entire being.

At times where you wanted to be good towards people… however, the world has persistently showcased its cruelty towards humanity. The world also showed me… that cruel people also exist… this is the time where I am starting to become selfish. I realized I have a distorted and unhealthy way of coping.

I questioned God too, in every manner that I could possibly do. I questioned him through anger and pain, I questioned him through sadness and denial… I tried to rationalize with him… I also even went through the process of bargaining. I asked Him.. of all people why me? Is it because I am an insignificant little being? Why can’t he inflict such pain to these cruel people?

I have been faithful to you…
I have been your avid follower… we even talked day and night…
Tell me, where did I lack? What mistake did I make that made you love me less?
Can’t you see that your faithful servant has been going through pain?
Can’t you see, your daughter needs you..
I’ve been good to you… to people… to this world… but why do I feel that I am being punished?

Look at the statements above… I know right… I am a selfish, little being.. I have the guts to question the epitome of grace, love, and kindness… I have the will to raise my own voice to the one that did not only mold the stars but also my heart and soul…

Hundreds of apologies would not suffice the forgiveness that I have received on that day that I poured it all out to the Lord. He has always been forgiving.. too forgiving.

I’ve been quite selfish lately.. It pained me to have such a close-minded perspective… I am solely focused on the negativity which this life has continuously embraced that I failed to realize that there’s more to this picture. I failed to realize that there are people who would always be there to support me and be with me in this battle that I will be winning someday. I failed to realize that there are others who loves you and will fight for you… I failed to realize that I am not fighting alone for they are there beside me… ready to lift me up when I am down and weary. There are people who would not give you up just yet without exhausting all the resources.. I failed to realize this because I have been selfish… I have been focused on myself that I disregarded people’s efforts towards me.

There are times where I am Mica/Mika (Julia) from the LYSB movie. At times, I wanted to be abducted by aliens ( or perhaps I view this as God)… my defense mechanism at times when life has been too toxic and too much is the flight response. I deactivate, I delete social media apps, I disconnect… I travel… I go away… I leave. They stated in the movie that it is a privilege to be abducted by one… for they will take you to a place where pain and sickness will cease to exist… there will be no weeping nor suffering… no darkness nor sick or lame… no hiding… only good things will matter. And most of the time, I view myself as someone who is privileged to be taken away from the cruelty this life has offered me.

At times like this.. I hope that my loved ones would still reach out to me… no matter how many times I have pushed them away, no matter how many times I disconnect myself to the outside world. I hope they realize that I also get tired, that I am still human that is still susceptible to weakness and pain despite the bold and brave front that I have relentlessly projecting.

But in the end… eventually I’ve reached 18 years of existence.., in the end… here I am now.. turning 22 in three weeks time. Maybe I had the same realization with Mica… Maybe I don’t want the Lord or the aliens to take me yet… I’ve realized that there’s a fighter inside of me… I’ve realized that there are some things worth living for.

Anyways… just like what they have been unceasingly voicing out all throughout the movie:
” Wala namang sigurado, pero minsan kailangan mo lang maniwala” (Omg, I dunno how to translate this in english without committing any grammatical error)

In this life full of uncertainties and doubts…
One thing is still certain..
That is to believe and to keep faith.

This movie taught me a lot of things… I had to go through a lot of trials just to watch this movie tho, and here I thought it wasn’t meant to be… but in the end.. I got to watch it.

Maybe, God intended to make me realize such things and encourage me to embrace this life that He has offered me. This time, I am not entrusting my capabilities to my own strength… this time.. I am surrendering everything to You.

and hopefully… inner and outer healing are on my way.

P.S. Thank you loved ones for not giving up on me =) (Haha as if you guys will get to read this, maybe someday when I am privileged to share my life testimony after successfully conquering this trial… I know and believe its near.)

Enough with this drama… I need to sleep. zZzz

~H (September 27, 2017; 1:24am) — took me 2ish hours to finish this.

 

At some point…

At some point, 

you have to stop being so stubborn, 

you have to stop being so ignorant,

you have to stop hiding, hiding inside your shell, to shy away from the truth, to constantly be in a state of denial…
Eventually, you have to voice it out soon,

eventually, you have to confess to him,

eventually, you have to face it…
You’ll be in a state of dilemma asking yourself.. 
‘It’s now or never’
Eventually, you’ll be forced to take the risk, and to fight for it..
Eventually, you have to state the three crucial words…
or else…
someone will.
~ H (June 15, 2017; 1:56am)

p.s. Maybe I am choosing the latter.. I don’t know what to feel anymore… if this battle that I am fighting is still worth it.. or am I the only one holding on.. tbh, I am tired to feel nothing and everything all at once. 

~ H ( Sept 25, 2017; 11:09pm) 

An Honest Conversation

Random conversation with my schoolmate way way way way… back high school.
This just happened a few days ago…

“It’s your fault, you won’t give me any chance that I could possibly get” He muttered with exasperation, I sighed in defeat.

“You deserve far better” I softly stated.

“How? How can you say that you are not better?”

“Seriously? Are we having this kind of conversation again?” I laughed and looked at the clock.

“It’s only 7pm for heaven’s sake,  and we’re having a very deep conversation already” I laughed again, but then I noticed his features, I can feel every bit or ounce of seriousness oozing from his stature, I then stopped my laughing… maybe he is really serious with this. But then again, I really thought he has already moved on, it’s been six years since he first confessed.

“There’s a great distance between ‘Hazel’ and ‘Better'” I continued.

“How?”

One way or another, I will be having this conversation… why not spill all the negative thoughts I have right now with him?

“I may take people’s efforts and love for granted… mainly because I’m not yet ready. I believe that in order to love someone wholeheartedly, you must first love yourself.” I paused and looked at his reaction. I can’t quite understand his face actually. What could he be thinking right now?

“You know, I am still in the process of exploring and knowing the true essence of self-love” I continued. He took a step back, and proceeded with a defensive stance.

“Well, you could do that by entertaining, and who knows? Maybe giving somebody a chance to love you might help you love yourself as well” He stated with conviction. But why do I feel that what he is saying is still wrong? Now, I am getting more and more confused.

“Still, you know me… I can’t afford to hurt anyone for that matter. Even though I may not have one for the last 21 years of my existence here on earth.. still, I know that there should be a ‘give’and ‘take’ in a relationship. I can’t give something that I don’t have yet… More or less, if I invested in a relationship, it may have chaotic and devastating results since my other half is busy filling me up, he may feel empty because he isn’t receiving the right love in return.” I don’t know what got me, but suddenly, everything is starting to make sense.

“You don’t love to get love in return” He smiled. But something is still off.

“Yes, that’s the statement I’ve been holding on… however in this world, that is not the reality. I’ve came across with a lot of clients, friends, and loved ones who realized that love is a symbiotic relationship where you may take, but you also need to give. It is not always the case where you constantly take a piece of him, of his time, of his effort… you also need to give away something that is a part of you, to make such relationship work.” I defended. Seriously, he did not inform me that this type of conversation is highly related to my thesis defense where I need to defend my thoughts and beliefs towards love.

“Yes, I know that you should give as well. I also know that love is more pain than joy. Maybe right now, you can’t give back the love you have been receiving since you are still ‘loving’ yourself. But Hazel, you are worth the investment” He said and deeply sighed. Upon hearing those words, I am waiting for butterflies in my stomach but only emptiness dominated my whole being.

“HAHAHAHAHA Let’s stop this convo, ugh look at the time… it’s way too early to have such deep conversation” I tried to laugh off all the increased tension and awkwardness.

“But I am serious, Hazel” He still maintained his serious act. Can’t we just stop this conversation and continue with our separate lives? I don’t want to hurt him.

“Serious in what sense?” I just wanted to check if all of this is just an act and he would be back to his old jolly and clown-self.

“In all sense.. to be honest, I have a lot of insecurities, especially towards you” This statement piqued my interest.

“You’ve got to be kidding me… like?”  Why would he feel insecure with me? I am also a damaged human being in need of someone’s love too. But of course, not from him.

“Well, I’ve done a lot of mistakes in the past, mistakes that I am pretty sure you are well aware of.. but look at you… your whole being is so pure. Would you still accept me despite all of that?” I know what he means.

“It has always been declared not only from the bible but also in our church that we are a new creation of God. He has already delivered you from your past mistakes. You also need to forgive yourself.”

“You haven’t answered my question” He reminded me.

“I would still accept you or everyone for that matter, I would embrace their flaws and imperfections” I replied in a generalized manner.

“Awwww, see? Now tell me, who  told you that you are not better?” I laughed at his statement since I am unable to respond to that. Uncertainty still embraced my whole being. But one things is certain..

I am not in love with him.

“Anyways, would you give me a chance?” He questioned me again. This time, I need to tell him the truth..

“I don’t know how to answer that without completely breaking your heart… Honestly,  I’m in love with someone else.” There… I said it. I don’t know if I said it for him, or I am saying it for myself. I don’t know anymore.

“Okay” 

“You deserve far better than me… I hope you realize that. God bless” Just to ease the tension and awkwardness and at the same time end this conversation.

“You don’t know that yet… quit judging the future” And I;m afraid, that concludes our conversation.

He’s right… no one is certain of the future. But through this conversation, realizations hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe, I really still need to love myself, or what if… a certain someone could show me or help me how to really love myself.

Through this conversation, all certain things became uncertain… yet some uncertain things finally became certain.

I am certain, that I am in love with someone.

I finally learned to let the chips fall where they may and entrust everything to our sovereign Lord. This time, I am giving back the pen to the author of my life and love story… this time I would sit back, read, and watch about my future slowly unraveling before my very eyes.

 

~H (September 22, 2017; 3:01am)

 

Are you aware?

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

The constant butterflies in my stomach whenever you crossed my mind… I believe that butterflies is an understatement… there are dragons inside my stomach whenever I look at you.. whenever I see you.. your eyes, your smile, your whole being.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

The constant palpitation in my chest. And here I thought I am sick, it’s just my heart getting excited upon seeing you, getting excited with your presence, with your whole being.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

I feel secured when you embraced me, I feel that all the negativity and all the sadness were completely washed away as soon as I felt your warm embrace. In your arms I found my refuge, in your arms I found my strength.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

I can’t even look at you, I forgot the color of your eyes, the shape of your face, the structure of your jaw line… when will be the time where I can freely gaze at you and your beautifully-flawed features?

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Your voice are like music in my ears, your laugh brings joy to my heart. I realized that I would always love these simple things.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Your handwritten pieces are like abstract art to me, your paintings and beautiful pieces are my inspiration… I hope you realize your worth when it comes to these things. Your pieces are beautiful.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

My heart instantly skips a beat whenever your name shows up at my phone. My mood immediately lightens up whenever I received a notification from you. You are my favorite notification, I hope you realize that.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Despite the tiredness that I feel, the illness that got me, the negativity of this world that embraced me… all of these things suddenly makes no sense as soon as I read your encouraging words, these things became useless as soon as I heard your reassuring voice, telling me to continue the good fight of faith.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

You are the reason why I am sleep-deprived these past few days.. The reason why my mind has been constantly processing thoughts non-stop.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Frustrations, doubts, and second-guessing myself. Am I really the one? Or am I assuming things? Should I give in to what they are saying? Negativity once embraced me again. I am not saying this is your fault. Blame my weary mind, blame my weary heart. Blame my friends who does not support me for loving you. Blame their discouraging words and endless advice. Blame all of them but yourself.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

There are a lot of moments where I forgot what dying feels like and what pain feels like… For in those moments, there’s only you and me.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Frustrations again, I am tired of this unrequited love. Can’t you just crash my spirits right now? Before this sadness eats up my entire universe, before this despair swallows me whole.

 

Are you aware?
Are you aware?

I’m afraid not.
~H (August 26, 2017; 12:43am)

You

All efforts went to the trash bin…
All attempts of distancing myself away from you can be compared to a losing battle.. to a failure.

It only took me one click, it only took me two words… two freaking words to break my composure.. to break all of these repression…

I don’t know anymore if ignoring you or repressing all these thoughts about you was a good thing. I don’t know if listening to their advice was a good thing. I don’t know anymore.

Everything reminds me of you.. every move I make, every action I do.. it all boils down to a thought or a memory of you…

How do I exclude you from my memories, from my thoughts?

~H (August 30, 2017; 10:50pm)

<Inner thoughts>
I just got home from a very long walk.
Instead of riding a jeepney and two tricycles… I chose to walk.
My brother told me I’m crazy. How could I possibly do that?
Well, that’s what you do to cope with this tremendous stress and sadness that are eating me alive.

 

Alone

I hope everything will be okay…
I hope everything will be alright…
I hope everything will be fine….

I need someone to comfort me with such words,
to shower me with warmth since this coldness has froze yet again, my thawing heart.

It’ll be hard to thaw a heart like this, it is probable, but next to possible… It’ll be difficult.

Why do I feel so alone in this world filled with seven billion people?
Why do I feel that I am blessed to carry the burdens of this world has offered me?
Why do I feel that I am privileged to have the ability to feel everything all at once.
It’s overwhelming.. it’s tiring, it is quite draining.

It is so ironic to have to use such positive words to describe the negative aspects of my life right now.

Why do I have to carry this on my own?
Why do I have to endure this alone?
Why do I have to face this alone?
Why is ‘alone’ even a word?
Who created such a cruel and lonely word?

Where are the people who loved me? People who still loves me?
People who still cares? People who are still concern with my well-being?

I am tired.. I need your hugs and embrace..
I need an escape..an escape from this cruel world, an escape from this negativity that has been eating me alive…

I am tired.. come and carry me together with my heavy burdens..
I don’t know what to do anymore…
I don’t know what to feel anymore…

This time, I am not only admitting defeat…
This time I am raising not only the white flag…
This time, I am also surrendering my broken soul and weary heart.

 

~H (August 30, 2017; 5:43pm)
“But somebody owns you now…”

I hope you know…

Despite all the things that they have said..
Despite the fact that you didn’t even loved me in the first place…
Despite all the negative things and statements they have been throwing at me about you…

 

I still love you..

I still do..

I hope you know that.

Even though I needed to love myself.. even though they kept instilling that self-love is the key to this illness that got me… I would still choose to love you… despite the pain, despite the hurt that has been eating me alive.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:56pm)

 

 

Everything suddenly makes sense

Everything suddenly makes sense…

Everything suddenly makes sense… everything suddenly adds up… all my theoretical assumptions has been proven and supported by reliable sources.

It hurts that such thoughts of mine has been backed up with citations that can be deemed by the APA administration to be acceptable. It hurts to know that all my overthinking and constant panic thoughts were all true.

They broke the sad news.. the unfortunate news that I have been dreading to hear.. finally, someone yet again crashed my spirits… someone finally broke the ice, someone finally bluntly stated that I am not the one you are yearning for…

I am not the reason of your smile, of your admiration, of your inspiration… it hurts. It freaking hurts.

They told me that I need to stop expecting.. they told me to stop investing my time on you.. they told me to move on… to repress all of these things.

HOW?

Every distance I make hurts like hell… every stride I make away from you are torture to my whole being.

I wish all of this is just a nightmare… I can’t wait to wake up from this torturous and deep slumber… It hurts, everything hurts…

Here I thought I am going to be sent to the ER again, because the heaviness of my heart can’t be contained by my physiological being…

Where are the people who said they will never leave? Where are they when I needed them most? I needed saving from everything that this world has embraced me.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:43pm)

Jusko, mahirap ba akong mahalin?
Ayaw ko na.
Pagod na pagod na ako.