I wonder…

I wonder whose hands would constantly help me lift up at times where I tripped and fall into deep despair… hands who are ready to wipe away the tears from my eyes…

I wonder whose voice would I hear when this world has constantly embraced me with cruelty and negativity.. a soft gentle voice that could put me into sleep when the world is too much to bear…

I wonder whose ears would be ready to listen to all my rants and all my anxieties.. ears that are also willing to listen on how my day went…

I wonder whose eyes would look at me the way Jack looked at Rose, and the way Fidel gazed at Stella… eyes who sees your true self but still wants to embrace all your flaws and blemishes…

I wonder whose lips would kiss my forehead and reassure me that everything will be okay, that I would be okay…

I wonder whose shoulders would I lean on when I am tired with the constant battle with life… shoulders who are willing to support me when I fell asleep…

I wonder whose arms would I run and fall into if I had my breakdowns, arms that are strong enough to carry me when exhaustion fully consumes my inner being…

I wonder who would it be in a room with everyone I have ever loved…
I wonder… I wonder…
The thing is… will I continuously wonder about this? Does such person ever exist? 
~ H (August 23, 2017; 1:31am)

I’ve heard a lot of things about you… 

I’ve heard a lot of things about you…

How selfless you can be,
How all your efforts combined can make an entire galaxy but such efforts you failed to see.

I’ve heard a lot of things about you…

Negative things that I do not want to hear. It deeply hurts me like a wound from a shattered glass; hearing such words that are in contrast to my perspective and to what I believe.

I’ve heard a lot of things about you…

People knew that I admire you however they are discouraging me to continue. Is this a sign that it isn’t meant to be? Is this a sign that I should discontinue such heartfelt act?

A part of me is tired, a part of me wants to go. They told me that what you feel towards me isn’t genuine. They told me that you are a player, someone that will only play my weary heart. 

I’ve heard enough, I’ve heard enough…
Am I just only your past time fling? 
Or am I someone who you can see as your other half in the future? This time, I do not want to hear it from the others… This time I am hoping that I will hear it from you. 

~ H (June 24, 2017 12:23am) 

I wanted to sleep

I wanted to sleep…
but my veins kept me in constant consciousness. My heart kept beating in such an unusual beat. My mind is in a chaotic state.

I wanted to sleep…
But I am constantly reminded of your voice. It acts as an alarm to wake my sleeping conscious and unconscious. It acts as my inner music and playlist.

I wanted to sleep…
But your eyes reminded me of bright lights. It kept my eyes awake, it kept my soul alert.

I wanted to sleep…
so I would have an escape. An escape from any thoughts about you, an escape from these raging emotions. 

I wanted to sleep…
because I wanted such emotions to end. I wanted to be able to let myself go from you since I already know the ending. I already know where to put the period in this paragraph. I already know this love story. I already know the ending. I already know that it is not me. 

I wanted to sleep…
So I will be free from any worries. I am in a constant battle with myself. I wanted you but I can’t have you. Why is it so hard to teach my heart such easy statement? Why is it so hard for my heart, mind, and soul to learn? 

I wanted to sleep…
For during the times of unconsciousness I am comforted with peace. I am comforted with dreams in contrast to my reality. I do not worry about your perspective in me, how you can’t give back the love I freely give.

I wanted to sleep…
because I am tired. I am emotionally drained but remained tongue-tied in venting out my feels to you. It was a handful duty for loving you however I do not regret any minute saving you from the negativity of this world that embraced you.

I wanted to sleep…
I wanted to rest physically since I still didn’t have the time to fully rest my body. I lost my appetite these past few days. I posted pics of food for show for I am a great pretender. I pretended I didn’t like you but deep inside my heart is dying, my mind is drowning, my soul is missing. 

I wanted to sleep…
For I needed someone’s warmth to reassure me that everything’s okay, that you’re okay. All I had is the warmthness of my bed and although it might not be enough but I can live with only this. 

I wanted to sleep… I wanted to sleep…
So that my mind will now be able to keep calm. So that my body will go back to its usual system. So that my heart will go back to its normal rhythm. Any thoughts of you heightened my nerves and constantly kept sending nerve cells around my body. 

I wanted to sleep so that I will be comforted with fantasy, that there will be an us. That things can go as planned.

However, any signs of sleepiness left me. I can’t bring myself to sleep since this day has been a memorable one. Suddenly, reality started to become better than my dreams.
~ H (June 23, 2017 1:40am)


Why were you suddenly distant?

Is this your way of saying no? Is this your way of saying, I am not interested in you?

Your silence is killing me. Like a million stab wounds and a ruptured vein. You are starting to become my poison, my drug… that as time goes by… it will eventually lead me to my premature death. 

I just wanted to know that I am getting there… so please.. don’t speed up the process. Don’t speed up the time I have left here on earth. 

Even in my dreams, you were starting to become distant. I then realized that this is such a cruel world. 

Even in my imaginations… you were so distant. The space that we have right now can be compared with the miles between the earth and the moon. 

How are you? I hope you’re doing fine. I hope you’re doing well. I hope that all the anxieties and negativity of this world stop embracing you. Let them embrace me, let them hug me until they squeeze the life out of me. For in your life, their is so much potential compared to my blemished-self. 

Still, thank you for doing the favor. For completely crashing my innermost being. For shattering my spirit and my soul. This is what I have been asking for so that I know where I will stand, so that I know where will I be… so that I know my limitations. 

Eventually… I’ll stop. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow… but probably someday. When I really found someone who would make me forget about you, when I finally found someone who can reciprocate the love I freely give. 

I know this will be hard. A million questions kept bombarding my weary mind. It led me to unanswerable questions, where answers are given after the trials and the strenuous tests. 
How do I stop loving someone? How do I pull myself back together? How do I move on?

I tried googling the answers… however ERROR 404 showed up. And here I thought google knows everything. 

So now, I’ll drown myself to academics and probably work. I needed a new circle… A new focus, a new hobby… something new that can distract me from these raging emotions and hope that this approach would somehow help me cope and move on. 

~ H (August 10, 2017; 11:49am) 

He didn’t fall in love with me…

He didn’t fall in love with me.
He fell in love with my words…
He fell in love with my gestures…

for being constantly there when he needed me.

He didn’t fall in love with me.

He fell in love with the thought of having me.
He fell in love in the concept of being in love with me for he never really did take another step in knowing me.

He didn’t fall in love with me. 

He fell in love with my pretentious self.
He fell in love in the idea of having me, for he never really did show any signs of pursuing me, he never really did genuinely love me.

So that’s why fall in love with the real me, the sick me, the anxious me, the impatient me, the soft-hearted me, the pure me, the shy me…

Fall in love with my weaknesses and flaws, fall in love with my imperfect-self.
Don’t just fall in love with my actions because I might not be consistent in things, I tend to easily withdraw when threatened. 

Fall in love with my blemishes and scars, fall in love with my insecurities and my sadness…
Don’t just fall in love with my carefree attitude.

Fall in love with my negativity, with my moodiness, for it is not always rainbows and butterflies… I also tend to have a negative perspective, I also tend to lose faith. 

Basically, fall in love with the real me. Try to embrace every part and every cell of me. You cannot get me halfheartedly and come back for the other parts of my wholebeing. I am a whole and complete package. You cannot just simply choose which part you would easily take, you have to take me as a whole. No return no exchange. 
That is why you need to be 200% sure that you love me. Because it is hard to invest on someone then turns out you would end up bankrupt. 

~ H (June 28, 2017; 10:43pm)

That’s the thing about love…

That’s the thing about love.
You still love them with their flaws and blemishes. You love their uneven curves and crooked lines. You love those imperfect personality, their beautifully-flawed being. That despite all those scars and wounds from the negativity of this world, you would still embrace it, for these things make them human. 

~ H (August 1, 2017; 9:14pm) 


At these strange moments, 
I realized that I have forgotten..

I have forgotten what dying feels like, what pain looks like. 

During these moments, my world stopped, my heartbeat in its regular rhythm, my breathing at its easiest pace. 

Such strange moments where only your eyes matter, your smile so radiant, your soul illuminating the very depths of my cold heart. 

~ H (August 12, 2017; 11:34pm)

Short entryyy 

Late night thoughts

Late night thoughts consume her incessantly… this was when people started to slip into a heavy slumber and the lights started to dim and all that she feels is the calmness of the night, all that she hears is the lonely clatter of the grandfather clock. 

This time she would feel her composure slip away, her heart would constantly palpitate and her whole being drowned to uneasiness. 

At this moment, she would try to cram her mind with thoughts – psychology, art, love, poems, organizations, statistics, and endless term papers but the disquiet still stayed with her.

Yet a sweet and warm embraced engulfed her and crashed every bit of negativity that tried to take refuge… she realized that hope was still there, that You were still there.  She failed to see that You were the love that rescued her. That You are her first love.  
Lord, I will be forever thankful for Your never-ending guidance and grace. ♥

~H (August 5, 2016; 8:58pm) ONE YEAR ASDFGHJKL! 

Another Failed Attempt

I am writing this without any direction.

Parallelism will cease to exist in this composition, like my heart who has been constantly shredded into fine pieces… without any form of order or pattern. 
Words, phrases, sentences, and even paragraphs failed to describe the emotions that I have been dealing right now. My mind has been bombarded with trivial things. Things that you wished you didn’t hear.
These are emotions that are set to kill and destroy your well-being. Emotions that could set your heart into a chaotic mess. 
It’s hard…

It’s hard to be constantly slapped by the reality that his heart is set for someone else. Someone far better than you… far better than all the precious jewels combined from this world. 
It’s painful to fully grasp this concept that you’ve become his pastime. That the love, passion, or admiration that I have cannot be reciprocated. 
How does one tell their heart to stop its rhythmic beat for someone? 

How does one tell their mind to halt their mind from expecting from someone? 
I needed someone to crash my hopes now. Right at this moment. But when someone suddenly spoke the right words.. when someone suddenly stated that the remedy of this is time. All of a sudden, I wanted to raise the white flag. 
The pain is still bearable. Tolerable. 

However, I believe the force will gradually increase. I could feel it, the incoming palpitation and throbbing of my chest. This is something foreign to me, something scarier than the physical defect my heart has. Something that only time can heal. 
So to the guys out there… 

When a girl deeply admires you (and you know you can’t reciprocate it), crash their spirit, crash their soul… before their spark turns into flame, before a single drop turns into an ocean, and before the night turns into dawn.
Do them this favor, so they can somehow save themselves from drowning… do them this favor so that they can cope and move on. 
And here I thought happy endings coexist with my reality. I’m afraid it’ll start to exist in my next life. 
~H (Aug 4, 2017; 2:52am)

I stopped writing about you

I stopped writing about you,
How perfectly-flawed you are to me,
How distinct figures and characteristics engulf me
Like a huge wave from the ocean and sea.
I stopped writing about you,
How little things you do matter to me,
I know these petty things are nothing to you,
But they are tremendous and heavy things to me.
I stopped writing about you,
How your smile captures me,
How it turned my heart into chaos,
How it turned my mind into deep frenzy.
I stopped writing about you,
How deeply passionate you are as a person,
How you selflessly do things not only for me,
But for the whole country.
I stopped writing about you,
How your flowery words simply dominates me,
How those jumbled up letters and phrases
Can send my heart to the galaxy.
But can’t you see this irony?
That no matter how many times I try to stop writing about you, it still leads me back to here. That no matter how many times I convince myself that no good will come out from this, I still managed to grab the pen and pour my heart out. 
They told me to stop writing about you, they told me to repress all of these emotions that kept crashing down on me. For through this action, I would be able to save myself from drowning, from burning… from falling.

However, all my efforts went to the trash bin. All the intentions of trying to exclude you from my thoughts yet here you are, the content of my emotions, the content of my dreams, the content of my whole being. Lo and behold, you just managed to be my nth entry again.

 ~ H (Aug. 6, 2017; 11:23am)