Playing

I don’t know what could be the best title for this writing piece… I hope you help me out with this.

 
Here it goes… another writing entry.

 

He entered the music room with his sleek shoes noisily tik and tak… it’s as if he is sporting a new commercial or modeling his profligate being.

 

I still continued on playing the piano, it has been ages since I last played and to be honest I can feel myself slightly rusty due to my unused talent. He proceeded to lean on the piano and looked at me.

 

“When was the time my fingers last graced over these white and black keys?” I asked as I continue to gracefully press the rustic keys of this piano. I shifted to the key of D on a different octave… my favorite piece started to fill the Christmas air.

 

“I don’t know, you ask him” He tapped the piano and guffawed. He then proceeded to situate himself at my back and tried reading my clumsy notes that I have been hastily writing on for the past hour.

 

I can feel the intense weight of his curiosity as he tried to make sense with the nonsensical notes that I’ve written in my music book… notes that I believe won’t make sense in the eyes of a non-musician like him. I stopped playing and faced him.

 

“I am working on a musical piece… I am trying to compose one again” I explained and faced the piano again.

 
“What for?” His voice suddenly lightened up.

 
“I don’t know… the last composition that I did was ages ago… maybe during my Highschool years and part of me wanted to compose again.”

 
“And you’re planning to consolidate all these instruments to the said piece?” He waved over his hand to all the instruments inside this music room.

 
“Yep” I popped the ‘p’ and proceeded playing the piano.

 
“Cool” He sighed with awe and proceeded to lean on the piano once again, facing me.

 
“I wish I could help you though” He stated. I stopped playing the piano and faced him.

 
“I wish you could” I heartily laughed and then shifted my attention to the acoustic guitar lying on the floor. I proceeded strumming, key G wafted down and filled the room.

 
“Ugh, what instruments can’t you play?”  He breathed with a mixture of awe and jealousy. I stopped strumming the guitar and seriously looked at him.

 

 

 

“A human’s heart” I whispered.

 

“A what?” Confusion laced his voice.

 

“I can never play a human’s heart nor have the right or ability to do so, I don’t have the heart to strum someone’s heartstrings and leave it once I am done using it.” 

~ H (November 26, 2017; 11:04am)

 

p.s. I don’t know where I got such inspiration to write this.
More personal excerpts coming soon. I found my old notebook filled with poetry and other nonsensical content way back 2014. If ever I finally have the time… I’ll gladly post it here. If ever I have TIME.

p.p.s I am starting to love writing short excerpts like this. I hope I’ll get to publish my collection soon. My journal’s running out of space for me to write. I don’t know if this is an indication that I need to stop, or I need another notebook to express myself thoroughly.

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To me,

He was those

lingering steps,

the crack in every footsteps

in the wooden floor

of this rustic house,

As he turned the light on

and searched for my

longing face,

A faint giggle 

in the frigid air,

He was always

my coming home.

~ H (December 3, 2017; 1:05am)

p.s.

I dunno where I got such inspiration to write this entry. All I know is that my heart has been shattered in a million pieces… 

Maybe because I finally had a lighter perspective… and I hope someday, my future half will get to read this. 

Because I know and believe, he’ll always be my coming home. Even though we haven’t crossed paths yet. 

She

She still falls, she still falls but not the same way as before. Doubt and confusion slowly laced her perspective. Everytime a trigger to fall back in love again, she sets her mind on the evidence that she isn’t the one.

She still manages to slip and fall… but despite that, her recovery time every fall she had became shortened. She is now accepting her fate, she’s now enduring and persevering.

She may have recurring bad dreams and heartaches but this time, she slightly grew numb with the pain, she finally got used to it. 

She still looks back at the old conversations, tweets, and posts… all that she has left our her memories with him. She finally had the mindset to slowly accept that she is still blessed to have such moments even if it’s only for a short while. 

She still misses him, despite knowing he’s happy and carefree right now. All she has to do is cope with this mess she made and slowly walk away. 

She is still confused. Questions kept popping in her weary mind. Dreaded questions that may trigger unwanted tears and memories… however the answer is already there, she just have to learn to accept it. Clarity suddenly stick to her like lice. 

She’s currently taking small steps, slowly coping, slowly moving on. She knows that healing and moving on is an exhausting process but she knows in the end it will all be worth it. 

Right now…

She’s slowly trying to close the door and lock her heart away. 

And I hope she’ll be successful with this someday. 
~H (November 18, 2017; 6:43pm)

Death

Today’s prompt for writing is all about death. Can’t my situation get more ironic? So I’ve decided to join the writing prompts which wordpress authors have offered in order to exercise my writing skills. 

Last night, just before I go to sleep I heard a preaching about this word. And because all saint’s day and all soul’s day just passed… all topics are highly relatable to the word which I would be discussing today.

I don’t know why I was meant to be given such powerful word to describe.. because to be honest, such word brought so much tremor in my veins that kept me in constant motion. Its vitality is highly comparable with life too. When one dies, another lives… two extreme opposites… 

Death has the power to crumble all the built up dreams, it has the power to trample even the softest and purest hearts, it has the power to let you feel everything and nothing all at once… it encourages a very strong emotion that any human being wont dare wander…

I’ve always known that death is inevitable… that no one is an exemption to this natural cause.. No one has the VIP treatment when death came knocking at one’s door. No one is pardoned… if your time is up, your time is up. 

Death has no time. Death disregards the flow of the beginning and ending… It doesn’t mind if you are at the peak of your youthful age or have reached the end of times… It doesn’t mind if you are as young as the soul born in this peril world or as old as time. If your time is up, your time is up. 

That’s why… death should also bring forth limitless love from people… Instilled fear should cease to exist in one’s mind, heart, soul, and being. Love should exceed beyond any extreme lengths which death has offered.

Love people when they are still breathing… love them as if its your last day on earth. Because once the living became a minion of death… all life processes will cease to exist. The dead won’t feel the emotions you would invest in their graves… the dead won’t be there to appreciate all the limitless efforts which you poured your heart into… no matter how many flowers you offer or how big your lighted candle would be… these are all useless to the dead. 

So that’s why… death is there to constantly remind you… to embrace the people you love… embrace their flaws and imperfections… because you never know when will be their last breath..

or when will you breathe your last breath.

~ H (November 4, 2017; 9:13am)

p.s. Let’s live as if we’re dying. Let’s cherish the moments… because such moments are more than enough to last me a lifetime. 

Frustrations

I don’t know why I am feeling these emotions.

Maybe because I miss the whole family (the whole clan) and no matter how much I try to understand them, how much I try to comprehend and analyze the situation… I still don’t get it.

 
I don’t know why such disputes have happened. During my childhood years  it has always been taught that we must learn to forgive… to be the one who understands more… to be more loving.

Is it because of their age that’s why pride ate all those principles of forgiveness? Is it because they’ve aged that’s why they gained the right to not forgive? Is it because they started to stop being more loving? I don’t know why… I don’t know why.

I am studying psychology, even taking my masters… I’ve already took all the course electives that’s directly related to human emotions and behavior yet I still can’t find the answer… I still can’t find the reason to fully understand the situation…

Why? Why can’t people be more loving? Why can’t people be more forgiving? Life is like a flickering candle… you never know when our moments stop, you never know when our hearts will beat its last rhythm… you never know when you’ll inhale or exhale your last breath… you never know, you never know.

I don’t know why I am saying this… I don’t know why I am having these kind of emotions… but can’t they see that their grandchildren are suffering too? Can’t they see the missed opportunities to bond, to meet, to reach out and have fun?

A lot of events have happened that emphasized the division between the family clans… There’s so much clarity that people exhaust all their efforts to avoid each other…

Ugh, this frustration is eating me alive. I don’t know if this stress is a blessing since my mind has become so preoccupied that I failed to take notice the crucial things such as my non-existent love life and physical health.

Maybe because of my deteriorating health… my emotionality skyrocketed beyond its limit. Or maybe because I am longing… I longed for that day when all our families will unite as one… playing pik-pak-boom and endless pinoy henyos… I longed for that day when all of us travel and brought with us potlocked lunches… (omg is the spelling correct?)… I longed for that day when all the bitterness, sadness, and pride will cease to exist… and all that’s left

 

 

is love who paved its way in our hearts.

 

I am hoping and praying for that…
And hopefully… please let that happen when my heart is still evenly beating… and my lungs still evenly breathing.

~H (October 30, 2017; 10:49am)

I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

Today

Today

I took the shortest route possible.. I didn’t have any second thoughts of walking from the cafe shop to my home…

 
Today

I tried to cram my thoughts about cases, disorders, and other psychological terms.. Statistics filled my weary mind.

Today

I took the quickest shower that I could possibly get. This was a first for me…

Today

I avoided any freaking love songs that could make me possibly think about you. Let’s put all the heart-breaking songs and the metallic ones that could awaken my depressive state.

Today

I finally decided to stop telling anyone my feelings about you. I believe repression is the key. I believe avoidance is the key.

Today

I wanted to condition myself to stop waiting for you, to stop expecting, to stop all these fantasies inside my head that you are always there for me…

Today

I managed to go through this day… without your voice, your words, and your thoughts.

Today

I realized that you didn’t have the slightest motivation to reach out..I suddenly realized your limitations.. But then again, who am I to demand a portion of your time.
Today

I tried everything to exclude you from my thoughts even though doing this is next to impossible… but just like what they say… if you put your heart on it, eventually you’ll reach your goal.

Today

I will exhaust all efforts to move away from you, from anything that will remind me of you… You might be laughing right now, how could I possibly do that? For every time I laid my eyes on something.. your whole being flashes before my very eyes. Still, I could do this. To be honest, you’re already doing me a favor.. For helping me forget you.

Today

Even though my mind is in a collision with my heart, and my whole being in a constant battle with myself… this time, I will try to choose myself.

It has only been a day… and I am this tired already. I am so tired. So tired. Aren’t you getting tired too? Can’t we just stop this? Help me forget you, help me move on..

Help me cope with this mess that I made because to be honest… no matter how many times I kept saying I am going to choose myself.. no matter how many times I say that I have excluded you in my mind… I am still going to choose you.. Eventually, you’re the content of my mind lately. Part of me is still holding on.. Part of me wants to believe, part of me wants to continue this love-infested act that I have been doing.

And honestly speaking… it is so draining.

 

**I forgot the date when I started writing this 😂, it has been months tho..**

~ H (September 29, 2017; 7:14am)

Tight Chest, Heavy Heart

I don’t know what title should I be using to fully capture what I will be writing for today.
As soon as I got home, I immediately opened my laptop and started writing. Sorry, my sentences might turn out to be so random, and this piece of writing might be terribly long and incoherent… So if you don’t have the heart to read such dramatic post, please exit your browser haha.

Ugh, I don’t know why I am discouraging you to read this… Part of me is scared of spilling all the negative thoughts that has been haunting me these past few months, thoughts I wouldn’t have the heart to share with everyone.

So please… if you don’t like teenage drama and all… please click the “x” button above. Or if you are too stubborn and would still push through… you have been warned. In any case, who reads this anyway? haha

Thoughts bombarded my weary mind, it has been a looooong day.
Here I thought, watching Love You to the Stars and Back (LYSB) was a good thing.. or is it?

This movie stifled a lot of emotions inside me, it made me laugh and cry my heart out at the same time. I don’t even know that this is possible. A lot of people may view this movie as something that is hyped and too mainstream… but let’s not focus on their perspective, I won’t even focus at the actors background, I wouldn’t even make a movie review..

For the first, this writing piece would be about me and how this movie speaks to me. (Or is it?)
I was able to empathize with Caloy (Joshua Garcia), not the kind of empathy where I have cancer and all, but the kind of situation that he has been going through in the movie.

To be honest, these past few months I perceived life as something that is greatly unfair towards me. At first, I am the Caloy who has this happy and carefree attitude of not letting this illness take over my life. I’ve been there, it is so freeing to have this kind of mindset and attitude to be exceptionally positive in all things. However as the trials began to grow heavier and my days began to grow longer…I realized that maybe, the ‘self’ that I am projecting was only a facade.

Tough trials tossed me as if I am in the middle of an eye of a storm. Through this process, all my pretentious-self was suddenly disclosed. All forms and types of concealment that I managed to cover my damaged-being have lost its purpose. This time, (Although I have constantly declared that I admit defeat) it’s different.

For the first time, someone is acting they way I have been acting lately…
For the first time, somebody said the right words I have been yearning to say…
For the first time, somebody expressed my thoughts that has been eating my mind away..
That somebody is Caloy…

It hurts to feel everything and nothing all at once..
It hurts to hear the statements that has been constantly the voice inside my head.

At the same time, it has been reassuring too.
To know that someone has been going through the same pain, sadness, and burdens that I have been going through.

Caloy’s line struck my heart like lightning…
At times, I wanted to tell my parents and loved ones that this battle that I have been going through is so tough that I wanted to rest with the Maker of the heavens soon.

(Side note: One time, mom accidentally read my journal entry regarding my physical struggles, she immediately cried and prayed for me… wishing she could switch places with me, that’s the time I promised myself to not show any signs of struggles that I have been going through because it pained my heart to see a broken soul sob like that, Love you mom! xx)

They may know what I have been going through, they may know the hardships and trials that tirelessly slap me… however they didn’t really know the pain I had to go through… they don’t even get the shots that usually makes me weak to the core, the meds that makes me feel sick… they don’t know the feeling of having to go again to the limitless process during hospital visits… Every week I had the privilege to get easily sick because my immune system sucks, every day I had to experience 5-9 likert-scale pain, every hour palpitations disturbed my inner being, every minute anxiety consumes me because you never know when your heart will lose its purpose… and to be honest…

I am tired. (repeat 9999x)

A lot of people may view some of my actions as crazy and beyond insane..
To tire myself up to the point where I have reached my limit..
To consume caffeine-induced drinks..
To erase the word “rest” in my vocabulary even though I am conscious to know that I needed it the most..

Can’t they see? These things make me feel alive…
I believe this is my own coping mechanism.. to incessantly prove to people that I am still me, the healthy me, the stronger me, the not-sick me, the I-can-do-it me…

Through these activities, it gives me an impression that I am still able to do things.. that I have the free will and freedom to choose what I wanted to do… A chance to do these things that I have been deprived of during my childhood.

(Side note: Wasn’t allowed to bike during childhood since my parents were so paranoid and overly protective… that’s the reason why I crave biking these past few months)

These things kept my mind occupied.. it veered me away to any negative thoughts that attempted to consume my inner being, away from the illness that got me… however I realized.. that it’s already too late.
The negative thoughts have dominated my entire being.

At times where you wanted to be good towards people… however, the world has persistently showcased its cruelty towards humanity. The world also showed me… that cruel people also exist… this is the time where I am starting to become selfish. I realized I have a distorted and unhealthy way of coping.

I questioned God too, in every manner that I could possibly do. I questioned him through anger and pain, I questioned him through sadness and denial… I tried to rationalize with him… I also even went through the process of bargaining. I asked Him.. of all people why me? Is it because I am an insignificant little being? Why can’t he inflict such pain to these cruel people?

I have been faithful to you…
I have been your avid follower… we even talked day and night…
Tell me, where did I lack? What mistake did I make that made you love me less?
Can’t you see that your faithful servant has been going through pain?
Can’t you see, your daughter needs you..
I’ve been good to you… to people… to this world… but why do I feel that I am being punished?

Look at the statements above… I know right… I am a selfish, little being.. I have the guts to question the epitome of grace, love, and kindness… I have the will to raise my own voice to the one that did not only mold the stars but also my heart and soul…

Hundreds of apologies would not suffice the forgiveness that I have received on that day that I poured it all out to the Lord. He has always been forgiving.. too forgiving.

I’ve been quite selfish lately.. It pained me to have such a close-minded perspective… I am solely focused on the negativity which this life has continuously embraced that I failed to realize that there’s more to this picture. I failed to realize that there are people who would always be there to support me and be with me in this battle that I will be winning someday. I failed to realize that there are others who loves you and will fight for you… I failed to realize that I am not fighting alone for they are there beside me… ready to lift me up when I am down and weary. There are people who would not give you up just yet without exhausting all the resources.. I failed to realize this because I have been selfish… I have been focused on myself that I disregarded people’s efforts towards me.

There are times where I am Mica/Mika (Julia) from the LYSB movie. At times, I wanted to be abducted by aliens ( or perhaps I view this as God)… my defense mechanism at times when life has been too toxic and too much is the flight response. I deactivate, I delete social media apps, I disconnect… I travel… I go away… I leave. They stated in the movie that it is a privilege to be abducted by one… for they will take you to a place where pain and sickness will cease to exist… there will be no weeping nor suffering… no darkness nor sick or lame… no hiding… only good things will matter. And most of the time, I view myself as someone who is privileged to be taken away from the cruelty this life has offered me.

At times like this.. I hope that my loved ones would still reach out to me… no matter how many times I have pushed them away, no matter how many times I disconnect myself to the outside world. I hope they realize that I also get tired, that I am still human that is still susceptible to weakness and pain despite the bold and brave front that I have relentlessly projecting.

But in the end… eventually I’ve reached 18 years of existence.., in the end… here I am now.. turning 22 in three weeks time. Maybe I had the same realization with Mica… Maybe I don’t want the Lord or the aliens to take me yet… I’ve realized that there’s a fighter inside of me… I’ve realized that there are some things worth living for.

Anyways… just like what they have been unceasingly voicing out all throughout the movie:
” Wala namang sigurado, pero minsan kailangan mo lang maniwala” (Omg, I dunno how to translate this in english without committing any grammatical error)

In this life full of uncertainties and doubts…
One thing is still certain..
That is to believe and to keep faith.

This movie taught me a lot of things… I had to go through a lot of trials just to watch this movie tho, and here I thought it wasn’t meant to be… but in the end.. I got to watch it.

Maybe, God intended to make me realize such things and encourage me to embrace this life that He has offered me. This time, I am not entrusting my capabilities to my own strength… this time.. I am surrendering everything to You.

and hopefully… inner and outer healing are on my way.

P.S. Thank you loved ones for not giving up on me =) (Haha as if you guys will get to read this, maybe someday when I am privileged to share my life testimony after successfully conquering this trial… I know and believe its near.)

Enough with this drama… I need to sleep. zZzz

~H (September 27, 2017; 1:24am) — took me 2ish hours to finish this.

 

At some point…

At some point, 

you have to stop being so stubborn, 

you have to stop being so ignorant,

you have to stop hiding, hiding inside your shell, to shy away from the truth, to constantly be in a state of denial…
Eventually, you have to voice it out soon,

eventually, you have to confess to him,

eventually, you have to face it…
You’ll be in a state of dilemma asking yourself.. 
‘It’s now or never’
Eventually, you’ll be forced to take the risk, and to fight for it..
Eventually, you have to state the three crucial words…
or else…
someone will.
~ H (June 15, 2017; 1:56am)

p.s. Maybe I am choosing the latter.. I don’t know what to feel anymore… if this battle that I am fighting is still worth it.. or am I the only one holding on.. tbh, I am tired to feel nothing and everything all at once. 

~ H ( Sept 25, 2017; 11:09pm)