Buti ka pa…

Buti ka pa…

Masaya, walang bahid na may pinagdadaanan, walang bakas ng poot na nakaraan…
Buti ka pa…Maligalig, tila’y kalungkutan ay wala sayo
samantalang ang lumbay ng aking puso di na napawi…

Buti ka pa…

Walang nararamdaman na kaguluhan sa isip, pagod na ako kakaisip sayo, pagod na ako kakagawa ng mga tula… pagod na akong magmahal sayo…

Buti ka pa…

may mahal sa buhay. Buti ka pa.. may nagmamahal sayo. Kailan kaya darating ang araw na mamahalin din ako gaya ng pagmahal ko sayo?

Buti ka pa…

walang sakit na nararamdaman. Ang sakit pala magmahal. Di man lang ipinagbigay-alam na ganto pala kasakit, edi sana di ko nalang tinuloy.

Buti ka pa…

Kaya mong ipagpatuloy yung takbo ng buhay mo… palimos ng kalakasan, palimos ng kagalingan, palimos ng kaligayahan.

Buti ka pa…

Di mo nararamdaman ang pinagdadaanan ko. Wala kang kamuwang-muwang sa nangyayari sa utak ko at sa puso ko.. tila’y bibigay na yata to…
Kaya, itigil na natin ito.

Tulungan mo akong magmove on.

Nakakatawa na nakakainis isipin na di naman naging tayo pero magmomove on ako.
Pero, ito lang ang makakatulong sakin ee. Ang malaman na di mo ako mahal. Ang marinig yung masasakit na salita na hindi ako yung para sayo. Ang mapagtanto na wala naman talagang tayo kahit kailan…

Ilang salita ba kailangan mo? Feel ko naman di mo kailangan ng isang talata para dito. Feel ko kaya na ng tatlo o anim na salita dito..

“Di kita mahal”

“Hindi ikaw yung hinahanap ko”

“Hindi ikaw yung para sa akin”

“May mahal akong iba”

Ganon ba kahirap sabihin ito?

Tulungan mo naman ako.
Kasi ako, pagod na akong umasa.. pagod na pagod na ako sa mga taong kakasabi sakin na wag akong umasa. Ilang beses ko ng narinig yang linyahan na yan sakanila. Kaso iba pa din pag galing sayo. Ayaw makinig ng puso’t isipan sa pinagsasabi nila sa akin na wag kong ituloy itong pagmamahal sayo, na wag akong umasa.. ngunit… labas din sa tenga yung pinagsasabi nila.

Feel ko mas makikinig yung puso’t isipan ko sayo. Mas maniniwala sila sa mga salita mo  sa boses mo, sa pananaw mo.

Please lang, ng matigil ko na din ito. Napagtanto ko na napakalinlang ng puso at ng isip.

~H (August 31, 2017; 10:46am)

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I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)