Enduring Heart

The most painful procedure that I won’t easily forget…

It’s not about him not loving me back… I thought that’s the most painful thing I had to endure… I had to get over… I had to go through… But no… 

It’s the procedure of letting the meds go through your bloodstream and you don’t have any choice but to writhe in pain… You don’t have any choice but to endure… You don’t have a choice but to persevere… 

It’s as if all the veins kept begging for mercy… I never thought that such painful procedure exist in this lifetime. This should be tagged as human torture. They said this could help me heal, they said this would alleviate all the sufferings I have experienced…

But why do I feel that such procedure is breaking me? Why do I sense that as soon as they injected that vile thing…. All I can ask is to be with my Maker? 

If you would be asking me basing on the universal pain scale… A number 10 would be an understatement. No amount of words could help me describe the pain I have experienced. 

Here I thought, emotional pain outweighs the physical pain I have encountered but I am clearly wrong with this fact. 

Here I am again, questioning… Why do I have to go through with all of this? Have I done so many bad things in this life and finally the universe are getting back at me? 

I can’t remember doing any cruel things that I have done that cost me such grave punishment. 

Such procedure exhausted my whole being. I wanted the world to be quiet for a little while. 

I wanted someone to tell me that I have done quite enough to continue… I wanted someone to lie to me… Telling me that everything will be fine, that everything will be alright. 

I wanted someone to tell me that my suffering is done… And reassure me that it’s time to go home. 
~ H (November 3, 2017; 8:40pm)

Look what I found.  A prized gem… a rare entry wherein I poured my heart out because of that freaking procedure last year. Never thought that such pain exist to haunt us. 

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Last Night

I have experienced the most excruciating pain last night. It’s as if it tore my heart out from limb to limb… 

It’s as if my life was slowly sucked from my physical body… ceasing all human functions, hindering all simple tasks. Pain… just pure pain coursing through my veins.

Last night… Last night was totally different. I thought I have already experienced the most painful wave of pain that is deemed to be rated as number 10 based from the universal pain scale. But last night… even number 11 was an understatement. If only I could rate it beyond the universal pain scale… I would have rated it to 100. The pain was sudden, gradual, and will leave you paralyzed for a few hours.

Last night, only tears were shed. Last night, the most sincerest prayer were uttered. Last night, it felt like heaven has become much closer compared with other previous attacks. Last night, I would have gladly chosen death before anything else. 
The pain was truly remarkable… it surpassed all my set expectations, beliefs, and even my terribly high standards. It broke the guiness’ book of records… and with this information I am beyond scared with grief.

I am scared. 

Scratch that… saying scared would be an understatement… stating I am terrified with this new growing pain inside of me is really an understatement.

I  am not scared because my days are numbered. 

I am not scared if death would be knocking at my doorstep. No.

I am frightened to go through all this pain again, quietly writhing in pain so your family wont hear you… I am frightened to go through that pain… alone again.

I am scared of leaving this world alone. 
My time may have a few drops of sand left… and I know that my clock has not chimed its last rhythm. I hope and pray I would be able to live the rest of my remaining time with a peaceful and healthy heart. 
Besides, I know and believe that up there.. someone I love will dearly welcome me with open arms. 

and a familiar voice will eventually say
“You made it, Hazel. No more fear and no more pain.” 

~ March 8, 2018; 12:21am

You aren’t in love with me.

See? I told you.. 

eventually you got tired of me.
Clarity suddenly embraced me like a newly-cleaned glass. 

Eventually, you weren’t that faithful at all. 

And it was fate that told me to stop all emotional and mental processes that are linked to you. 
I’ve had enough players that can last me more than a lifetime. 

I deserve far better than this. I deserve more from this world nearly drenched with every bit of negativity. 
And lastly, I just want to conclude…
You aren’t in love with me. Your heart doesn’t beat passionately… A rhythmic beat that cannot dwell to my symphony.

You aren’t in love with me… Your mind is filld with nonsensical things that clouded your judgement, your perception, and your whole being.

You aren’t in love with my being, with my fiery heart, mysterious soul, and tantalizing eyes… you are only in love with the idea that I am new, that I am convenient, that I am easy. 

You are in love with the thought of having the same interest, same tastes, same locality…

So please, retrace your steps… Look back and delve deep to the depths of your weary heart and tired soul. So you can prevent yourself from burning. So you can prevent yourself from hurting. So you can prevent yourself from crying your heart out like I did. 

Go back, before it’s too late.

~ H (January 17, 2017; 12:06am)

I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

I hope you know…

Despite all the things that they have said..
Despite the fact that you didn’t even loved me in the first place…
Despite all the negative things and statements they have been throwing at me about you…

 

I still love you..

I still do..

I hope you know that.

Even though I needed to love myself.. even though they kept instilling that self-love is the key to this illness that got me… I would still choose to love you… despite the pain, despite the hurt that has been eating me alive.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:56pm)

 

 

Everything suddenly makes sense

Everything suddenly makes sense…

Everything suddenly makes sense… everything suddenly adds up… all my theoretical assumptions has been proven and supported by reliable sources.

It hurts that such thoughts of mine has been backed up with citations that can be deemed by the APA administration to be acceptable. It hurts to know that all my overthinking and constant panic thoughts were all true.

They broke the sad news.. the unfortunate news that I have been dreading to hear.. finally, someone yet again crashed my spirits… someone finally broke the ice, someone finally bluntly stated that I am not the one you are yearning for…

I am not the reason of your smile, of your admiration, of your inspiration… it hurts. It freaking hurts.

They told me that I need to stop expecting.. they told me to stop investing my time on you.. they told me to move on… to repress all of these things.

HOW?

Every distance I make hurts like hell… every stride I make away from you are torture to my whole being.

I wish all of this is just a nightmare… I can’t wait to wake up from this torturous and deep slumber… It hurts, everything hurts…

Here I thought I am going to be sent to the ER again, because the heaviness of my heart can’t be contained by my physiological being…

Where are the people who said they will never leave? Where are they when I needed them most? I needed saving from everything that this world has embraced me.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:43pm)

Jusko, mahirap ba akong mahalin?
Ayaw ko na.
Pagod na pagod na ako.

Thoughts at JCO

How?

How can I focus on studying when all I see is you? All I think about is you? Why does the world have to be this cruel? Why does fate kept on playing these painful tricks on me, on us?

 

It hurts…

I’m confused, I’m terrified, I’m scared, I’m depressed, I’m broken.

They said that the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am imprisoned? Why do I feel that I am locked with heavy shackles and thick chains?

They said the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am drowning? Why do I feel like I am suffocating?

I thought things will get better… I really thought I am going to feel better? What’s happening? Why is it so hard to love and be loved?

Could someone help me in this misery of mine? I need saving from this too much negativity..

 

If this is love…

Is this love? To be constantly broken and torn into infinite pieces?

Is this love? To be constantly put into a pedestal with harsh and angry movements?

Is this love? To be constantly thrown into the eye of the hurricane, to the heart of the storm?

I am tired… I am sick of any of this.. I also get empty, I also get tired… I am still a human being that is susceptible to pain.. susceptible to despair… susceptible to the harsh reality and cruelty of this world that has to offer.

If this is love, I suddenly don’t want it.

~H (August 30, 2017; 4:32pm)

 

Can’t focus on studying.
Can I wish for an amnesia right now?

 

Another Nth Entry

Last night, confusion struck me like lightning…
It slowly crept up to me like an unwanted visitor… 

Someone crashed my spirits again, someone finally broke the silence, someone finally said the right words I have been expecting yet so afraid to hear.

It hurts.. why does it have to be that way? Why do they have to continuously let me realize that I am not the one? I know they love me, I know they are concern.. however, why can’t they just allow such simple and little things? I don’t care if its temporary, I dont care if its not genuine, I dont care if I am an nth option.. I am happy.

However, as they constantly let me realize such sad things, I started second-guessing myself. I started doubting him, his intentions  his motives… his heart. 

Flashbacks and realizations hit me like a ton of bricks and a raging storm. 

It hurts… it hurts.
The pain in my chest is foreign to me. This is a different kind of pain. They said that the only remedy for this is through time. 

For how long? for how long? When the sun finally freezes? When the world finally attained peace? I am tired, I am tired.

What’s wrong with me? All I ever wanted was to love and be loved in this world enveloped with pain and suffering.

Maybe I’ll get to attain this in my next life. Maybe I’ll get to attain this in heaven when the sting of death, pain and sickness are absent. 

So now, I don’t know what to do. 
Will I follow their advice and repress all of these? Or will I foolishly follow my heart and go with the flow? 

I already know the ending, I already know where to put the period in this paragraph, in this sentence. It’s just a matter of what pain would I choose to go through… 

The pain of helplessly loving you..
Or the pain of moving on? 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:47pm)

Painful Flashbacks

It’s now 11:36pm, the exact time yesterday where I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. 

at 9:57pm
Different kinds of emotions kept barging in my weary mind and my weary soul. This is the exact moment where I feel so hopeless. My hands are tied, chained… the lock thrown at the very depths of the sea. 

at 10:08pm
My mind is in chaos, my heart is a mess. I think I am going to explode any minute now. The uneasiness stayed within me, I believe that fresh tears are going to fall any second now. My throat hurts, I am trying to choke back all the tears, all the sadness, all the frustrations, all the regrets… I just can’t breakdown in a coffee shop, what would people think of me? 

at 10:20pm
I decided to pour my heart out to someone. I seldom do this because I dont want someone to be burdened. However, such situation was too much to bear. I realized that I have my limitations. I realized that despite the program or major that I have, all of these seemed helpless when faced in that certain situation. It’s hard to reassure someone’s worth when their life depends on it. My heart literally dropped. I really thought I am going to lose someone. 

at 10:23pm
I then decided to take a walk. I took the longest route possible. From Philplans to my house. I don’t know what got me. As soon as I started walking, fresh tears began to immerse from my eyes. 

at 10:34pm
I stopped walking, I feel like I am in a movie scene. Where’s the director? The rain is starting to pour… I am waiting for the director to say “Cut!” so that these emotions would somehow halt for a few minutes. I am tired, I am such a failure. Despite all those readings about diagnostic and assessments in psychology, why can’t I apply it in this scenario? I failed not only as a psychology student, but as a bestfriend. 

at 10:40pm
I still haven’t moved from this same spot. I am still crying. Lord, where were you when I needed you most? Why do people kept on wanting to end their lives while here I am… desperately trying to survive the everyday struggles life has continuously offered me? I find this ironic at the same time so unfair. Why cant these people see what life has to offer to them? They are beyond blessed for they are not tied down with endless hospital visits and limitless meds. They are beyond blessed to not have to worry if their heart is still beating tomorrow… 

at 10:43pm
I started walking again…I realized I still need to get home. This is the exact moment where I need a hug. A hug that could embrace the life out of me… a hug that would reassure me that I did great, that I managed to survive today’s test. I needed shoulders to cry on…

This time, as I walk.. my face is still covered with tears… How do you tell your tears to stop flowing? This time I did not mind what people would say… they are eventually gonna talk, they’ll eventually make up scenes or scenarios on what would be the cause of a brown-haired girl crying while walking in this soft drizzle.. 

at 10:50pm
I feel so alone. Despite this huge crowd… why do I feel so alone in this world filled with 7 billion people? All of a sudden… only numbness is what I feel. This is good, this is good. I can’t face my family right now when my heart isn’t okay, when my whole being is wrecked.

at 11:12pm
I can finally see my home from a distance. I decided to check myself by looking at my reflection from my neighbor’s car. I hope I looked fine… I am a pretentious being… I believe I can do this… I can pretend to be okay.

at 11:15pm
I went straight to take a bath. Got sermoned by my mom and reminded me that umbrellas exist. She said I looked like a lost puppy from a wet dumpster. 

at 11:36pm
I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. I needed a happy distraction. I needed to repress all the memories of today. 

at 12:02am, 
Negativity is slowly fading away. 

I may not have the strength to write about happy things today. But I am beyond grateful for your presence. For not leaving… for listening… for everything. 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:17am) 

** started writing this yesterday, August 23, 2017; 11:36pm **