I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)

You failed to see me…

You failed to see me

How the light inside me constantly illuminate the darkest depths of my heart. My heart started warming up again as soon as I realized I am falling for you.. however, now it’s starting to become frigid.
You failed to see me

How my smile shined the brightest when I constantly look at your galaxy-like eyes. Eyes that are able to give warmth, eyes that are able to thaw my ice-like heart. I realized that this is my home, this is where I belong.
You failed to see me

How I am trying my best for you to notice me. 

Then negative realizations dominated my weary mind. Telling me that I am the most average out of all the averages. I am a simple girl who isn’t easily noticed and easily forsaken. 
You failed to see me 

How I try to be caring to you. How I constantly  reminded you that an average human needs to eat, how animals even knows how to rest, how I try to impress healthy living on you.
You failed to see me

How I constantly pray for you, how I continuously ask the Lord to supplement you with endless immunity and renewed strength for I know that you needed it more compared to me.
You failed to see me 

How I try to put a very strong front when facing you. How I try to be invincible despite my weaknesses and flaws. I wanted to show you that you can count on me. I wanted to let you know that I am here for you.
You failed to see me

How my gaze never leaves you. How my peripheral view are so focused on you, on your actions, on your words.. on everything. I am constantly looking at you with eyes of adoration, a biased persective that never stops looking at you in awe. 
You failed to see me

Simply because you were so focused on one thing. You were so focused on someone.. you were so focused on her. 

Your judgement is clouded and your peripheral view is blocked.

This is the reason why you failed to see me. 
Nevertheless, you may have failed to see me, at least I am still blessed that I can still freely see you. 

~H 12:16am June 22, 2017

I needed someone…

I needed someone to tell me to stop loving him. I needed someone to tell me to stop expecting, to stop yearning at the thought of him. I needed someone to crash my spirits so as not to keep my hopes up.  I needed someone to yell at me that I am heading in the wrong direction, that the path I am taking isn’t the path for me. I needed someone to wake me up in my senses that my sense of sight shouldn’t be devoted solely for seeing him, that my sense of hearing isn’t devoted for his voice, that my sense of smell isn’t devoted for his scent… I needed someone to advise me that things will not be okay if I continue… that things will not end very well like I expected it to be. 
I needed someone to wake me up in this frenzy state… I needed someone to constantly bicker me that he doesn’t feel the same way I did, that he doesnt love me genuinely. I needed someone to feed me with endless thoughts that we are not meant to be, that he isn’t my other half that can make me whole. I needed someone to whisper in my ears that things will not go as planned, that this isn’t the way how my life would go on.. I needed someone to order my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit that any thoughts of him are poison that could engulf my whole being. I needed someone to direct my life that I deserve more than the love I freely give… that I deserve more than an unrequited love. 

However, I also wanted someone to feed me with false hopes and with lies that the two of us were fated by the stars. That all the constellations cleared our paths for us to meet. For I still yearn for his voice, for his reassuring smile and for the warmthness he freely give through his power hugs. I wanted someone to tell me to take the risk, to enjoy life that is ahead me. I wanted someone to encourage me that my days are numbered and should spend my precious days dreaming, believing, and hoping for him. I wanted someone to comfort me with words that things will go as planned, that everything will work out in time… that everything will be okay. I wanted someone to instill a positive perspective in me that he might be the one that I have been waiting.
But then, our wants are different from our needs. I realized that our ‘wants’ are things that we selfishly aimed without thinking of the other party. I have failed to realize that his heart was already set for someone else that is why some things are needed to be done, and limitless contemplation and heart-shattering decisions should follow.  It is hard to condition one’s heart, soul, and mind but it can happen. I’ll try to make it happen. For I also needed saving, I need to save myself from you. 

~ H (June 27, 2017, 9:27pm) 

She sighed heavily…

She sighed heavily as she knew this moment would not last forever. 
She knew that you have a different rhythm, a different beat, and a different flow that no matter how many times she tried, she would not fit in your heart. She knew that you are holding a different chess piece, a different key and unfortunately it does not much hers. 
She looked at the bright moon and heavily sighed again, for she realized that she is not your moon nor the stars that light up your night sky.  She knew that she is not your sun that could light up your day nor the clouds that could shade you under the blistering sun. 
She knew that there is someone else, someone far better than her. At least she knew, at least she knew… 
However nothing could ever prepare her for what was about to come, no matter how many times she will be reminded that your heartbeat is beating for someone else, she will still yearn for you, she wil still look after you, and she will still love you even though it hurts. 
So there she sat under the moonlight, breathing in the cold night air and letting the raindrops of late summer rain intertwine with her years of heartbreak. 
~ H (June 25, 2017, 10:32am) 

It’s When I let The Words Flood In

Days have passed and nothing seems wrong,
But what is this feeling? This mystique feeling?
It’s as if my heart yearns at something for so long,
Is this reality or am I just dreaming?

I am well-aware that this feeling is above normal,
Is this planned or is this fated?
I slowly directed my attention to the person I waited,
Why are these feelings of mine so crucial?

Fresh tears began to immerse,
As I slowly walked towards him
I feel like my heart is about to burst
He is slowly singing my broken hymn.

I could not understand…
What are his intentions?
What are his reasons?
These things I cannot merely withstand.

Why do men tend to complicate things?
Why are they being so impossible?
Can they not accept we are just human beings?
Bearing a heart that is not so flexible.

Maybe someday I would be able to understand
Hoping that, that someday is now,
Traumatized to believe in any vow,
I hope they will be able to understand where I stand.

It wasn’t easy to be in this situation,
What more, for those who have a weak heart,
Rising turmoil and hazy confusion
Oh, this place is tearing me apart.

Now, I just have to earnestly hope,
And live my life and cherish every moment,
Forget those whose intention is to torment,
And must forcibly learn how to cope.

Right now, all I need to do is pray,
because this will save me from a lot of worthless pain.
And believe that everything will be okay
And have faith that my love will not be put in vain.

#HVM 1:40am April 19, 2013
haha my “sabaw” moments. This is the consequence of forgetting our first love. Which is you Jesus. :”>