I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

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I hope you know…

Despite all the things that they have said..
Despite the fact that you didn’t even loved me in the first place…
Despite all the negative things and statements they have been throwing at me about you…

 

I still love you..

I still do..

I hope you know that.

Even though I needed to love myself.. even though they kept instilling that self-love is the key to this illness that got me… I would still choose to love you… despite the pain, despite the hurt that has been eating me alive.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:56pm)

 

 

Everything suddenly makes sense

Everything suddenly makes sense…

Everything suddenly makes sense… everything suddenly adds up… all my theoretical assumptions has been proven and supported by reliable sources.

It hurts that such thoughts of mine has been backed up with citations that can be deemed by the APA administration to be acceptable. It hurts to know that all my overthinking and constant panic thoughts were all true.

They broke the sad news.. the unfortunate news that I have been dreading to hear.. finally, someone yet again crashed my spirits… someone finally broke the ice, someone finally bluntly stated that I am not the one you are yearning for…

I am not the reason of your smile, of your admiration, of your inspiration… it hurts. It freaking hurts.

They told me that I need to stop expecting.. they told me to stop investing my time on you.. they told me to move on… to repress all of these things.

HOW?

Every distance I make hurts like hell… every stride I make away from you are torture to my whole being.

I wish all of this is just a nightmare… I can’t wait to wake up from this torturous and deep slumber… It hurts, everything hurts…

Here I thought I am going to be sent to the ER again, because the heaviness of my heart can’t be contained by my physiological being…

Where are the people who said they will never leave? Where are they when I needed them most? I needed saving from everything that this world has embraced me.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:43pm)

Jusko, mahirap ba akong mahalin?
Ayaw ko na.
Pagod na pagod na ako.

Thoughts at JCO

How?

How can I focus on studying when all I see is you? All I think about is you? Why does the world have to be this cruel? Why does fate kept on playing these painful tricks on me, on us?

 

It hurts…

I’m confused, I’m terrified, I’m scared, I’m depressed, I’m broken.

They said that the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am imprisoned? Why do I feel that I am locked with heavy shackles and thick chains?

They said the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am drowning? Why do I feel like I am suffocating?

I thought things will get better… I really thought I am going to feel better? What’s happening? Why is it so hard to love and be loved?

Could someone help me in this misery of mine? I need saving from this too much negativity..

 

If this is love…

Is this love? To be constantly broken and torn into infinite pieces?

Is this love? To be constantly put into a pedestal with harsh and angry movements?

Is this love? To be constantly thrown into the eye of the hurricane, to the heart of the storm?

I am tired… I am sick of any of this.. I also get empty, I also get tired… I am still a human being that is susceptible to pain.. susceptible to despair… susceptible to the harsh reality and cruelty of this world that has to offer.

If this is love, I suddenly don’t want it.

~H (August 30, 2017; 4:32pm)

 

Can’t focus on studying.
Can I wish for an amnesia right now?

 

Another Nth Entry

Last night, confusion struck me like lightning…
It slowly crept up to me like an unwanted visitor… 

Someone crashed my spirits again, someone finally broke the silence, someone finally said the right words I have been expecting yet so afraid to hear.

It hurts.. why does it have to be that way? Why do they have to continuously let me realize that I am not the one? I know they love me, I know they are concern.. however, why can’t they just allow such simple and little things? I don’t care if its temporary, I dont care if its not genuine, I dont care if I am an nth option.. I am happy.

However, as they constantly let me realize such sad things, I started second-guessing myself. I started doubting him, his intentions  his motives… his heart. 

Flashbacks and realizations hit me like a ton of bricks and a raging storm. 

It hurts… it hurts.
The pain in my chest is foreign to me. This is a different kind of pain. They said that the only remedy for this is through time. 

For how long? for how long? When the sun finally freezes? When the world finally attained peace? I am tired, I am tired.

What’s wrong with me? All I ever wanted was to love and be loved in this world enveloped with pain and suffering.

Maybe I’ll get to attain this in my next life. Maybe I’ll get to attain this in heaven when the sting of death, pain and sickness are absent. 

So now, I don’t know what to do. 
Will I follow their advice and repress all of these? Or will I foolishly follow my heart and go with the flow? 

I already know the ending, I already know where to put the period in this paragraph, in this sentence. It’s just a matter of what pain would I choose to go through… 

The pain of helplessly loving you..
Or the pain of moving on? 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:47pm)

Painful Flashbacks

It’s now 11:36pm, the exact time yesterday where I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. 

at 9:57pm
Different kinds of emotions kept barging in my weary mind and my weary soul. This is the exact moment where I feel so hopeless. My hands are tied, chained… the lock thrown at the very depths of the sea. 

at 10:08pm
My mind is in chaos, my heart is a mess. I think I am going to explode any minute now. The uneasiness stayed within me, I believe that fresh tears are going to fall any second now. My throat hurts, I am trying to choke back all the tears, all the sadness, all the frustrations, all the regrets… I just can’t breakdown in a coffee shop, what would people think of me? 

at 10:20pm
I decided to pour my heart out to someone. I seldom do this because I dont want someone to be burdened. However, such situation was too much to bear. I realized that I have my limitations. I realized that despite the program or major that I have, all of these seemed helpless when faced in that certain situation. It’s hard to reassure someone’s worth when their life depends on it. My heart literally dropped. I really thought I am going to lose someone. 

at 10:23pm
I then decided to take a walk. I took the longest route possible. From Philplans to my house. I don’t know what got me. As soon as I started walking, fresh tears began to immerse from my eyes. 

at 10:34pm
I stopped walking, I feel like I am in a movie scene. Where’s the director? The rain is starting to pour… I am waiting for the director to say “Cut!” so that these emotions would somehow halt for a few minutes. I am tired, I am such a failure. Despite all those readings about diagnostic and assessments in psychology, why can’t I apply it in this scenario? I failed not only as a psychology student, but as a bestfriend. 

at 10:40pm
I still haven’t moved from this same spot. I am still crying. Lord, where were you when I needed you most? Why do people kept on wanting to end their lives while here I am… desperately trying to survive the everyday struggles life has continuously offered me? I find this ironic at the same time so unfair. Why cant these people see what life has to offer to them? They are beyond blessed for they are not tied down with endless hospital visits and limitless meds. They are beyond blessed to not have to worry if their heart is still beating tomorrow… 

at 10:43pm
I started walking again…I realized I still need to get home. This is the exact moment where I need a hug. A hug that could embrace the life out of me… a hug that would reassure me that I did great, that I managed to survive today’s test. I needed shoulders to cry on…

This time, as I walk.. my face is still covered with tears… How do you tell your tears to stop flowing? This time I did not mind what people would say… they are eventually gonna talk, they’ll eventually make up scenes or scenarios on what would be the cause of a brown-haired girl crying while walking in this soft drizzle.. 

at 10:50pm
I feel so alone. Despite this huge crowd… why do I feel so alone in this world filled with 7 billion people? All of a sudden… only numbness is what I feel. This is good, this is good. I can’t face my family right now when my heart isn’t okay, when my whole being is wrecked.

at 11:12pm
I can finally see my home from a distance. I decided to check myself by looking at my reflection from my neighbor’s car. I hope I looked fine… I am a pretentious being… I believe I can do this… I can pretend to be okay.

at 11:15pm
I went straight to take a bath. Got sermoned by my mom and reminded me that umbrellas exist. She said I looked like a lost puppy from a wet dumpster. 

at 11:36pm
I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. I needed a happy distraction. I needed to repress all the memories of today. 

at 12:02am, 
Negativity is slowly fading away. 

I may not have the strength to write about happy things today. But I am beyond grateful for your presence. For not leaving… for listening… for everything. 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:17am) 

** started writing this yesterday, August 23, 2017; 11:36pm ** 

I dreamt about you…

I dreamt about you.
It felt to surreal, so real. It’s as if I am in a reality because I heard your laugh, I felt your touch. It was a mixture of reality and fantasy. I had trouble distinguishing if this is real because everything doesn’t make any sense. 

The setting of the dream is gloomy, but despite the circumstances we are facing, I felt like I am in summer. I felt like the sun came from your smile, the soft uv rays flashed from your laugh. Everything felt serene… everything was perfect. We constantly laughed and shared stories and tales older than time. You were there listening. At times we’ll be quiet because we are so immersed with books while in the coffee shop. This is a scene that I have always pictured… and now it’s here. Then you stood up and tried walking.. your pacing started to speed up but then you checked up on me.

I had trouble catching up, I was so anxious that you’re about to leave. I felt so scared that you’ll leave. But there you are, in your waiting stance, as if impatience didn’t keep up with you. As soon as you saw my face, your mood suddenly lightened up and right then and there I am so blessed that you waited for me.

But then you started walking again. I kept asking where are you going? But you maintained your walking pace… you didn’t even try turning around to check on me. Why do I feel that this is goodbye? Hello, I have small steps so this time I tried running. I tried running towards you. But I am a minute too late, a second too late. 

You took a cab, and then headed to some place only God knows where. But because of my determined self I tried catching up with you. I tried taking a cab even though all my belongings are with you. I am willing to risk this, just to have you. But as soon as your cab took a sharp curve… you were gone like a popped bubble. No traces or evidence of you. Nothing that could state that you ever existed. 

You took everything to me.. You robbed my whole being. But I do not regret everything. I do not regret investing my time, my life, and my whole being to you even if it means that I won’t get anything in return. 

I will always be thankful for our little infinity. It will remain in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my whole being.

Then I woke up. 

I am so not ready for these feels. I do not want to assess this dream but it is pretty obvious right now. It is obvious that you are the content of my thoughts, the reason behind my emotions. Even the collective unconscious says the same. 

However the last part, maybe God has a different message. Maybe He is slowly unlatching the unwanted truth that I am terribly scared to face. Maybe this time.. I need to stop, to end this pain-stricken admiration, and to move on.

But the thing is…

How do I stop? 
~ H (July 10, 2017; 11:18am)

You failed to see me…

You failed to see me

How the light inside me constantly illuminate the darkest depths of my heart. My heart started warming up again as soon as I realized I am falling for you.. however, now it’s starting to become frigid.
You failed to see me

How my smile shined the brightest when I constantly look at your galaxy-like eyes. Eyes that are able to give warmth, eyes that are able to thaw my ice-like heart. I realized that this is my home, this is where I belong.
You failed to see me

How I am trying my best for you to notice me. 

Then negative realizations dominated my weary mind. Telling me that I am the most average out of all the averages. I am a simple girl who isn’t easily noticed and easily forsaken. 
You failed to see me 

How I try to be caring to you. How I constantly  reminded you that an average human needs to eat, how animals even knows how to rest, how I try to impress healthy living on you.
You failed to see me

How I constantly pray for you, how I continuously ask the Lord to supplement you with endless immunity and renewed strength for I know that you needed it more compared to me.
You failed to see me 

How I try to put a very strong front when facing you. How I try to be invincible despite my weaknesses and flaws. I wanted to show you that you can count on me. I wanted to let you know that I am here for you.
You failed to see me

How my gaze never leaves you. How my peripheral view are so focused on you, on your actions, on your words.. on everything. I am constantly looking at you with eyes of adoration, a biased persective that never stops looking at you in awe. 
You failed to see me

Simply because you were so focused on one thing. You were so focused on someone.. you were so focused on her. 

Your judgement is clouded and your peripheral view is blocked.

This is the reason why you failed to see me. 
Nevertheless, you may have failed to see me, at least I am still blessed that I can still freely see you. 

~H 12:16am June 22, 2017

I needed someone…

I needed someone to tell me to stop loving him. I needed someone to tell me to stop expecting, to stop yearning at the thought of him. I needed someone to crash my spirits so as not to keep my hopes up.  I needed someone to yell at me that I am heading in the wrong direction, that the path I am taking isn’t the path for me. I needed someone to wake me up in my senses that my sense of sight shouldn’t be devoted solely for seeing him, that my sense of hearing isn’t devoted for his voice, that my sense of smell isn’t devoted for his scent… I needed someone to advise me that things will not be okay if I continue… that things will not end very well like I expected it to be. 
I needed someone to wake me up in this frenzy state… I needed someone to constantly bicker me that he doesn’t feel the same way I did, that he doesnt love me genuinely. I needed someone to feed me with endless thoughts that we are not meant to be, that he isn’t my other half that can make me whole. I needed someone to whisper in my ears that things will not go as planned, that this isn’t the way how my life would go on.. I needed someone to order my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit that any thoughts of him are poison that could engulf my whole being. I needed someone to direct my life that I deserve more than the love I freely give… that I deserve more than an unrequited love. 

However, I also wanted someone to feed me with false hopes and with lies that the two of us were fated by the stars. That all the constellations cleared our paths for us to meet. For I still yearn for his voice, for his reassuring smile and for the warmthness he freely give through his power hugs. I wanted someone to tell me to take the risk, to enjoy life that is ahead me. I wanted someone to encourage me that my days are numbered and should spend my precious days dreaming, believing, and hoping for him. I wanted someone to comfort me with words that things will go as planned, that everything will work out in time… that everything will be okay. I wanted someone to instill a positive perspective in me that he might be the one that I have been waiting.
But then, our wants are different from our needs. I realized that our ‘wants’ are things that we selfishly aimed without thinking of the other party. I have failed to realize that his heart was already set for someone else that is why some things are needed to be done, and limitless contemplation and heart-shattering decisions should follow.  It is hard to condition one’s heart, soul, and mind but it can happen. I’ll try to make it happen. For I also needed saving, I need to save myself from you. 

~ H (June 27, 2017, 9:27pm) 

She sighed heavily…

She sighed heavily as she knew this moment would not last forever. 
She knew that you have a different rhythm, a different beat, and a different flow that no matter how many times she tried, she would not fit in your heart. She knew that you are holding a different chess piece, a different key and unfortunately it does not much hers. 
She looked at the bright moon and heavily sighed again, for she realized that she is not your moon nor the stars that light up your night sky.  She knew that she is not your sun that could light up your day nor the clouds that could shade you under the blistering sun. 
She knew that there is someone else, someone far better than her. At least she knew, at least she knew… 
However nothing could ever prepare her for what was about to come, no matter how many times she will be reminded that your heartbeat is beating for someone else, she will still yearn for you, she wil still look after you, and she will still love you even though it hurts. 
So there she sat under the moonlight, breathing in the cold night air and letting the raindrops of late summer rain intertwine with her years of heartbreak. 
~ H (June 25, 2017, 10:32am)