It’s now 11:36pm, the exact time yesterday where I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane.
Different kinds of emotions kept barging in my weary mind and my weary soul. This is the exact moment where I feel so hopeless. My hands are tied, chained… the lock thrown at the very depths of the sea.
My mind is in chaos, my heart is a mess. I think I am going to explode any minute now. The uneasiness stayed within me, I believe that fresh tears are going to fall any second now. My throat hurts, I am trying to choke back all the tears, all the sadness, all the frustrations, all the regrets… I just can’t breakdown in a coffee shop, what would people think of me?
I decided to pour my heart out to someone. I seldom do this because I dont want someone to be burdened. However, such situation was too much to bear. I realized that I have my limitations. I realized that despite the program or major that I have, all of these seemed helpless when faced in that certain situation. It’s hard to reassure someone’s worth when their life depends on it. My heart literally dropped. I really thought I am going to lose someone.
I then decided to take a walk. I took the longest route possible. From Philplans to my house. I don’t know what got me. As soon as I started walking, fresh tears began to immerse from my eyes.
I stopped walking, I feel like I am in a movie scene. Where’s the director? The rain is starting to pour… I am waiting for the director to say “Cut!” so that these emotions would somehow halt for a few minutes. I am tired, I am such a failure. Despite all those readings about diagnostic and assessments in psychology, why can’t I apply it in this scenario? I failed not only as a psychology student, but as a bestfriend.
I still haven’t moved from this same spot. I am still crying. Lord, where were you when I needed you most? Why do people kept on wanting to end their lives while here I am… desperately trying to survive the everyday struggles life has continuously offered me? I find this ironic at the same time so unfair. Why cant these people see what life has to offer to them? They are beyond blessed for they are not tied down with endless hospital visits and limitless meds. They are beyond blessed to not have to worry if their heart is still beating tomorrow…
I started walking again…I realized I still need to get home. This is the exact moment where I need a hug. A hug that could embrace the life out of me… a hug that would reassure me that I did great, that I managed to survive today’s test. I needed shoulders to cry on…
This time, as I walk.. my face is still covered with tears… How do you tell your tears to stop flowing? This time I did not mind what people would say… they are eventually gonna talk, they’ll eventually make up scenes or scenarios on what would be the cause of a brown-haired girl crying while walking in this soft drizzle..
I feel so alone. Despite this huge crowd… why do I feel so alone in this world filled with 7 billion people? All of a sudden… only numbness is what I feel. This is good, this is good. I can’t face my family right now when my heart isn’t okay, when my whole being is wrecked.
I can finally see my home from a distance. I decided to check myself by looking at my reflection from my neighbor’s car. I hope I looked fine… I am a pretentious being… I believe I can do this… I can pretend to be okay.
I went straight to take a bath. Got sermoned by my mom and reminded me that umbrellas exist. She said I looked like a lost puppy from a wet dumpster.
I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. I needed a happy distraction. I needed to repress all the memories of today.
Negativity is slowly fading away.
I may not have the strength to write about happy things today. But I am beyond grateful for your presence. For not leaving… for listening… for everything.
~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:17am)
** started writing this yesterday, August 23, 2017; 11:36pm **