Death


How does one escape death?

How does one cope with this immense stress?

How does one continue their life as if nothing tragic has ever happened?

How do you deal with brokenness? With all the shattered pieces? With all these tremendous pain?

My heart already has its glitches… its deformities, and inferiorities… It cannot take another beating again.

That’s the thing about death… they only ruin you and leave you devastated one’s it has served its purpose.

What a cruel world we live in.

Heaven gained another angel today. 

May your soul rest in peace.

~H (February 14, 2018 3:03am)

p.s. sorry for a very unparalleled composition. my thoughts are incoherent and my mind is in a chaotic state right now.

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I stood in the rain today

Another composition but this time via photography ♥ 
p.s. I got sick because of this. 😂 At least… my emotionality got better. lol

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Nth Dream

“Pssst, why are you so gloomy?” He constantly asked again… Second guessing if I’ll answer him.
“I don’t know” I sighed and looked away.
“No reason?” He tried to confirmed.
“Oh, there are plenty of reasons.. however I don’t know what’s the reason this time”
He didn’t let out any single word, he just pulled me into a hug. 
And in those arms, I felt secure… but something’s still missing.

then I woke up.

~ H (November 26, 2017; 9:41am)

(This dream was so vivid)

I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

You

All efforts went to the trash bin…
All attempts of distancing myself away from you can be compared to a losing battle.. to a failure.

It only took me one click, it only took me two words… two freaking words to break my composure.. to break all of these repression…

I don’t know anymore if ignoring you or repressing all these thoughts about you was a good thing. I don’t know if listening to their advice was a good thing. I don’t know anymore.

Everything reminds me of you.. every move I make, every action I do.. it all boils down to a thought or a memory of you…

How do I exclude you from my memories, from my thoughts?

~H (August 30, 2017; 10:50pm)

<Inner thoughts>
I just got home from a very long walk.
Instead of riding a jeepney and two tricycles… I chose to walk.
My brother told me I’m crazy. How could I possibly do that?
Well, that’s what you do to cope with this tremendous stress and sadness that are eating me alive.

 

Painful Flashbacks

It’s now 11:36pm, the exact time yesterday where I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. 

at 9:57pm
Different kinds of emotions kept barging in my weary mind and my weary soul. This is the exact moment where I feel so hopeless. My hands are tied, chained… the lock thrown at the very depths of the sea. 

at 10:08pm
My mind is in chaos, my heart is a mess. I think I am going to explode any minute now. The uneasiness stayed within me, I believe that fresh tears are going to fall any second now. My throat hurts, I am trying to choke back all the tears, all the sadness, all the frustrations, all the regrets… I just can’t breakdown in a coffee shop, what would people think of me? 

at 10:20pm
I decided to pour my heart out to someone. I seldom do this because I dont want someone to be burdened. However, such situation was too much to bear. I realized that I have my limitations. I realized that despite the program or major that I have, all of these seemed helpless when faced in that certain situation. It’s hard to reassure someone’s worth when their life depends on it. My heart literally dropped. I really thought I am going to lose someone. 

at 10:23pm
I then decided to take a walk. I took the longest route possible. From Philplans to my house. I don’t know what got me. As soon as I started walking, fresh tears began to immerse from my eyes. 

at 10:34pm
I stopped walking, I feel like I am in a movie scene. Where’s the director? The rain is starting to pour… I am waiting for the director to say “Cut!” so that these emotions would somehow halt for a few minutes. I am tired, I am such a failure. Despite all those readings about diagnostic and assessments in psychology, why can’t I apply it in this scenario? I failed not only as a psychology student, but as a bestfriend. 

at 10:40pm
I still haven’t moved from this same spot. I am still crying. Lord, where were you when I needed you most? Why do people kept on wanting to end their lives while here I am… desperately trying to survive the everyday struggles life has continuously offered me? I find this ironic at the same time so unfair. Why cant these people see what life has to offer to them? They are beyond blessed for they are not tied down with endless hospital visits and limitless meds. They are beyond blessed to not have to worry if their heart is still beating tomorrow… 

at 10:43pm
I started walking again…I realized I still need to get home. This is the exact moment where I need a hug. A hug that could embrace the life out of me… a hug that would reassure me that I did great, that I managed to survive today’s test. I needed shoulders to cry on…

This time, as I walk.. my face is still covered with tears… How do you tell your tears to stop flowing? This time I did not mind what people would say… they are eventually gonna talk, they’ll eventually make up scenes or scenarios on what would be the cause of a brown-haired girl crying while walking in this soft drizzle.. 

at 10:50pm
I feel so alone. Despite this huge crowd… why do I feel so alone in this world filled with 7 billion people? All of a sudden… only numbness is what I feel. This is good, this is good. I can’t face my family right now when my heart isn’t okay, when my whole being is wrecked.

at 11:12pm
I can finally see my home from a distance. I decided to check myself by looking at my reflection from my neighbor’s car. I hope I looked fine… I am a pretentious being… I believe I can do this… I can pretend to be okay.

at 11:15pm
I went straight to take a bath. Got sermoned by my mom and reminded me that umbrellas exist. She said I looked like a lost puppy from a wet dumpster. 

at 11:36pm
I felt all the worries and anxieties of this world came crashing like a hurricane. I needed a happy distraction. I needed to repress all the memories of today. 

at 12:02am, 
Negativity is slowly fading away. 

I may not have the strength to write about happy things today. But I am beyond grateful for your presence. For not leaving… for listening… for everything. 

~ H (August 24, 2017; 12:17am) 

** started writing this yesterday, August 23, 2017; 11:36pm ** 

Before I sleep my dearest… 

And before I sleep my dearest,

sing no melancholic lullabies for me,

for my heart is frail and my mind is weak. I am easily swayed by emotions and easily cry to little things. I already know where this is all going, where we are all going. It’s a destination I am not looking forward to so please… take it easy, try to break down into pieces the harsh truth that I am about to face.

Before I sleep my dearest, 

tell no lonely goodbyes for me..

for I still yearn for you, I still cling to you like lice that how many times I tried putting my mind off from you, you still dominate my heart, my whole being. I am well aware that I am not only standing by the edge of the knife or clinging to you like I am at the brink of despair… I am treading into thin ice and I know that one wrong move, one wrong step then everything is history.

Before I sleep my dearest,

say no lies and false hopes and promises. I am the girl who easily believes in everything; the one who easily expects, and the one who gets hurt quite easily. Feed me with the truth even though the result can shatter my heart, and my soul. Punch me with the harsh reality that your heart is already set for someone else. 

Before I sleep my dearest,

Grab the opportunity to hold me while I am still conscious, while I am still awake… talk to me, speak to me, tell me the contents of your heart. I don’t care if it’s about her or someone you know, I don’t care if it will shred my heart into pieces, I don’t care if it will put my mind into a chaotic state and dilemma, I don’t care if it will shatter my whole being.. All I am asking is I want to hear from you. So that I could put an end to this, to end this miserable journey and to move on. 
Before I peacefully sleep my dearest..

sing no melancholic lullabies for me, tell no lonely goodbyes for me, say no lies, and false hopes and promises… I want to hear from you… I’ve missed you. 

~ H (July 16, 2017; 12:22am)

p.s. I have incoherent thoughts because I am sleepy at the same time highly emotional. I hope this article is okay. 

I cried today… 

I cried today…

Not with the reasons that you’re thinking. I cried because of my acads, I felt that it’s me against the world. It is so ironic that I am promoting a ‘Feed HOPE’ program but it feels that I need to be also immersed in this intervention. 
I cried today…

for I felt that all the worries of the world are in my shoulders. I felt that I am hopeless in this hopeful world. I realized that I am at the brink of my sanity and I know anytime soon I am going to lose it. I realized that I’ve reached my limitations, that I also get tired, that I also lose hope. 
I cried today…

because I thought I am in control with things. Then I realized that sometimes things will not go the way you planned it. I realized that it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, that I also need to go through with this to make me stronger. 
I cried today…

because I feel so alone today. Comforting words and friends were there to my rescue but it seems that their words are not passing through my mind and not sinking in to my heart. 
But did you know that…

I smiled today…
because I realized that sad things won’t stay forever… that pain is just a temporary thing. I realized that I have a family that could back me up, and friends who wont get tired bickering you with positive things. 
I smiled today…

because I realized that I am so blind to not see that God is with me. I failed to realize that He is in control, that He holds the ignition to my life, that He holds the pen to my story. 
I smiled today…

for the warmthness of all your hugs gave warmth to my frigid heart. It gave me an assurance that everything will be okay.. that I will be okay.
I laughed today…

because of the simple things. It was such a timely and rare occurence to get to hear your friends’ voices from the recording… to know that you have such friends for keeps. 
I laughed today…

for I realized that everything is a matter of persective. You choose your own happiness and sadness.

And right now although this may sound abrupt and downright impossible… but now I am going to try to choose happiness. 
~ H (June 29, 2017; 10:38pm) 

She sighed heavily…

She sighed heavily as she knew this moment would not last forever. 
She knew that you have a different rhythm, a different beat, and a different flow that no matter how many times she tried, she would not fit in your heart. She knew that you are holding a different chess piece, a different key and unfortunately it does not much hers. 
She looked at the bright moon and heavily sighed again, for she realized that she is not your moon nor the stars that light up your night sky.  She knew that she is not your sun that could light up your day nor the clouds that could shade you under the blistering sun. 
She knew that there is someone else, someone far better than her. At least she knew, at least she knew… 
However nothing could ever prepare her for what was about to come, no matter how many times she will be reminded that your heartbeat is beating for someone else, she will still yearn for you, she wil still look after you, and she will still love you even though it hurts. 
So there she sat under the moonlight, breathing in the cold night air and letting the raindrops of late summer rain intertwine with her years of heartbreak. 
~ H (June 25, 2017, 10:32am) 

Entry #14

As I stare at the moonless sky
I could not help but release a sigh
I do not know what will I do
Did I act carelessly or without a clue?

As the stars continue to twinkle down at me
Not knowing that sadness is what they see
Will my sadness be atoned or put in vain?
Couldn’t withstand this developing pain

Darkness trying to dominate my weary heart
Rising questions that are tearing me apart
Will I be able to voice out that I am okay?
Or will I continue to be filled with dismay?

One thing is for certain, one thing is for sure,
Faith and prayer are my only cure
To an illness that got me from this disheveled state
All I have to do is earnestly wait.

#HVM ~ 1:58am, April 4, 2013
lol. can’t believe I wrote this -.-
Anyways, rest assured. I’m okaay, happy and blessed. 🙂