I wanted to sleep

I wanted to sleep…
but my veins kept me in constant consciousness. My heart kept beating in such an unusual beat. My mind is in a chaotic state.

I wanted to sleep…
But I am constantly reminded of your voice. It acts as an alarm to wake my sleeping conscious and unconscious. It acts as my inner music and playlist.

I wanted to sleep…
But your eyes reminded me of bright lights. It kept my eyes awake, it kept my soul alert.

I wanted to sleep…
so I would have an escape. An escape from any thoughts about you, an escape from these raging emotions. 

I wanted to sleep…
because I wanted such emotions to end. I wanted to be able to let myself go from you since I already know the ending. I already know where to put the period in this paragraph. I already know this love story. I already know the ending. I already know that it is not me. 

I wanted to sleep…
So I will be free from any worries. I am in a constant battle with myself. I wanted you but I can’t have you. Why is it so hard to teach my heart such easy statement? Why is it so hard for my heart, mind, and soul to learn? 

I wanted to sleep…
For during the times of unconsciousness I am comforted with peace. I am comforted with dreams in contrast to my reality. I do not worry about your perspective in me, how you can’t give back the love I freely give.

I wanted to sleep…
because I am tired. I am emotionally drained but remained tongue-tied in venting out my feels to you. It was a handful duty for loving you however I do not regret any minute saving you from the negativity of this world that embraced you.

I wanted to sleep…
I wanted to rest physically since I still didn’t have the time to fully rest my body. I lost my appetite these past few days. I posted pics of food for show for I am a great pretender. I pretended I didn’t like you but deep inside my heart is dying, my mind is drowning, my soul is missing. 

I wanted to sleep…
For I needed someone’s warmth to reassure me that everything’s okay, that you’re okay. All I had is the warmthness of my bed and although it might not be enough but I can live with only this. 

I wanted to sleep… I wanted to sleep…
So that my mind will now be able to keep calm. So that my body will go back to its usual system. So that my heart will go back to its normal rhythm. Any thoughts of you heightened my nerves and constantly kept sending nerve cells around my body. 

I wanted to sleep so that I will be comforted with fantasy, that there will be an us. That things can go as planned.

However, any signs of sleepiness left me. I can’t bring myself to sleep since this day has been a memorable one. Suddenly, reality started to become better than my dreams.
~ H (June 23, 2017 1:40am)

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Before I sleep my dearest… 

And before I sleep my dearest,

sing no melancholic lullabies for me,

for my heart is frail and my mind is weak. I am easily swayed by emotions and easily cry to little things. I already know where this is all going, where we are all going. It’s a destination I am not looking forward to so please… take it easy, try to break down into pieces the harsh truth that I am about to face.

Before I sleep my dearest, 

tell no lonely goodbyes for me..

for I still yearn for you, I still cling to you like lice that how many times I tried putting my mind off from you, you still dominate my heart, my whole being. I am well aware that I am not only standing by the edge of the knife or clinging to you like I am at the brink of despair… I am treading into thin ice and I know that one wrong move, one wrong step then everything is history.

Before I sleep my dearest,

say no lies and false hopes and promises. I am the girl who easily believes in everything; the one who easily expects, and the one who gets hurt quite easily. Feed me with the truth even though the result can shatter my heart, and my soul. Punch me with the harsh reality that your heart is already set for someone else. 

Before I sleep my dearest,

Grab the opportunity to hold me while I am still conscious, while I am still awake… talk to me, speak to me, tell me the contents of your heart. I don’t care if it’s about her or someone you know, I don’t care if it will shred my heart into pieces, I don’t care if it will put my mind into a chaotic state and dilemma, I don’t care if it will shatter my whole being.. All I am asking is I want to hear from you. So that I could put an end to this, to end this miserable journey and to move on. 
Before I peacefully sleep my dearest..

sing no melancholic lullabies for me, tell no lonely goodbyes for me, say no lies, and false hopes and promises… I want to hear from you… I’ve missed you. 

~ H (July 16, 2017; 12:22am)

p.s. I have incoherent thoughts because I am sleepy at the same time highly emotional. I hope this article is okay.