You

All efforts went to the trash bin…
All attempts of distancing myself away from you can be compared to a losing battle.. to a failure.

It only took me one click, it only took me two words… two freaking words to break my composure.. to break all of these repression…

I don’t know anymore if ignoring you or repressing all these thoughts about you was a good thing. I don’t know if listening to their advice was a good thing. I don’t know anymore.

Everything reminds me of you.. every move I make, every action I do.. it all boils down to a thought or a memory of you…

How do I exclude you from my memories, from my thoughts?

~H (August 30, 2017; 10:50pm)

<Inner thoughts>
I just got home from a very long walk.
Instead of riding a jeepney and two tricycles… I chose to walk.
My brother told me I’m crazy. How could I possibly do that?
Well, that’s what you do to cope with this tremendous stress and sadness that are eating me alive.

 

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Thoughts at JCO

How?

How can I focus on studying when all I see is you? All I think about is you? Why does the world have to be this cruel? Why does fate kept on playing these painful tricks on me, on us?

 

It hurts…

I’m confused, I’m terrified, I’m scared, I’m depressed, I’m broken.

They said that the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am imprisoned? Why do I feel that I am locked with heavy shackles and thick chains?

They said the truth will set you free but why does it feels like I am drowning? Why do I feel like I am suffocating?

I thought things will get better… I really thought I am going to feel better? What’s happening? Why is it so hard to love and be loved?

Could someone help me in this misery of mine? I need saving from this too much negativity..

 

If this is love…

Is this love? To be constantly broken and torn into infinite pieces?

Is this love? To be constantly put into a pedestal with harsh and angry movements?

Is this love? To be constantly thrown into the eye of the hurricane, to the heart of the storm?

I am tired… I am sick of any of this.. I also get empty, I also get tired… I am still a human being that is susceptible to pain.. susceptible to despair… susceptible to the harsh reality and cruelty of this world that has to offer.

If this is love, I suddenly don’t want it.

~H (August 30, 2017; 4:32pm)

 

Can’t focus on studying.
Can I wish for an amnesia right now?

 

I took the longer route today…

I took the longer route today..
Not because I needed time alone

But I wanted to make an excuse to think about you. An excuse to kill time, an excuse that despite my hectic sched I would have time to have you in my thoughts.

I took a longer shower today..
Not because I am so dirty but because I wanted to wipe out any thoughts of you. Any idea about you. For I know that the reciprocity of such feelings is non-existent. I know that you have your heart set for someone else.
I took a longer walk today..
Because such thoughts wont stop bombarding my weary mind. It kept on coming, your interests, your emotions, your eyes… why cant you stop occupying my fragile mind?
~H (June 21, 2017 1:28am)

He asked…

“Where do you want to go?” He questioned me while I am trying to balance the bottle I am holding using one hand. 

After a failed attempt of balancing it, he grabbed the bottle and faced me. He looked at me with eyes that is so taunting yet at the same time very alluring. 

“Somewhere quiet” I whispered. I tried to get the bottle back so that I can distract myself again, so that I can get my mind occuppied. But he instead held my hand and continued to stare at me with eyes that I couldn’t understand. I cannot define the emotion behind it nor distinguish the mysterious light in his eyes. I sighed and doubted on whether to pour the contents of my mind and heart on him. 

“I want somewhere peaceful, somewhere I can have my own space without anyone hovering over it. A place where I can hear my thoughts as clear as canvas, a place where I won’t lose my sanity.” I said then looked at the bright evening sky, enveloped with a million stars. 

“Don’t we all?” I heard him say and managed to let out a genuine smile. The kind of smile that will be painted in your minds forever. 

“Yeah” I nodded in agreement. I took a deep breathe and as I exhale, I also tried to let go all the burdens, anxieties, and regrets. I finally came to a realization that this is a safe haven, that I can fully trust him. The warmth of his hand is enough to address the coldness within me. 
This time, I know he’s not going anywhere.

Then I woke up.

My dreams are getting weirder. How can a dream feel so real? 

~ H (July 18, 2017; 11:35pm) 

 

Before I sleep my dearest… 

And before I sleep my dearest,

sing no melancholic lullabies for me,

for my heart is frail and my mind is weak. I am easily swayed by emotions and easily cry to little things. I already know where this is all going, where we are all going. It’s a destination I am not looking forward to so please… take it easy, try to break down into pieces the harsh truth that I am about to face.

Before I sleep my dearest, 

tell no lonely goodbyes for me..

for I still yearn for you, I still cling to you like lice that how many times I tried putting my mind off from you, you still dominate my heart, my whole being. I am well aware that I am not only standing by the edge of the knife or clinging to you like I am at the brink of despair… I am treading into thin ice and I know that one wrong move, one wrong step then everything is history.

Before I sleep my dearest,

say no lies and false hopes and promises. I am the girl who easily believes in everything; the one who easily expects, and the one who gets hurt quite easily. Feed me with the truth even though the result can shatter my heart, and my soul. Punch me with the harsh reality that your heart is already set for someone else. 

Before I sleep my dearest,

Grab the opportunity to hold me while I am still conscious, while I am still awake… talk to me, speak to me, tell me the contents of your heart. I don’t care if it’s about her or someone you know, I don’t care if it will shred my heart into pieces, I don’t care if it will put my mind into a chaotic state and dilemma, I don’t care if it will shatter my whole being.. All I am asking is I want to hear from you. So that I could put an end to this, to end this miserable journey and to move on. 
Before I peacefully sleep my dearest..

sing no melancholic lullabies for me, tell no lonely goodbyes for me, say no lies, and false hopes and promises… I want to hear from you… I’ve missed you. 

~ H (July 16, 2017; 12:22am)

p.s. I have incoherent thoughts because I am sleepy at the same time highly emotional. I hope this article is okay. 

A nameless piece…

It’s already half-passed nine in the evening and here I am drowned with thoughts about you… I am scared, I am frightened and such heavy rain does not help with the raging emotions I constantly faced. Even though I am under these heavy covers to give me warmth, why do I still feel cold? Even though my sister is with me, why do I still feel alone? 
This rain is not doing any good for thunders and lightnings aren’t my healthy companion. The sound of pouring rain against the roof is the scariest thing that I have to go through right now. Cold sweats began to emerge in my forehead. Where are you? Where were you when I needed you most? I needed your warmth, I needed your embrace… I needed your soothing words to calm all the anxieties within me. I needed you.. 
When exhaustion finally consumes my inner fears that I am struggling, that’s when I realized that in your world I am non-existent. In your world I am nothing…
So that’s why let me just rant all these feels here. Anyways, you’ll never even know that it is you that I am talking about. You’ll never even know that I have fallen in love with you, you’ll never even know that all these articles are for you. I don’t even know if you’re reading this… I am just hoping and praying that such feels will pass by like a blur, for it hurts too much. Part of me is wishing to have an amnesia so I could forget about you but a part of me is still holding on.. still hoping that maybe time will come that you would look sideways.. That time will come that you’ll eventually gaze at me and realize that I am the one. 
[charot HAHA~ H (June 25, 2017, 9:47pm)] p.s. I didn’t have any idea on what would be a great title for this heart-wrenching piece.. so just went with ‘a nameless piece’.