I am tired

I’m tired.
Not the kind of tiredness which usual people experience daily.
Not the kind of tiredness which can be addressed when you rest.
Not the kind of tiredness people perceive that they go through.
This type of tiredness is different. A tiredness you’ll wish you won’t have.

I’m tired.
This type of exhaustion does not easily subside.
I feel that I have been awake for a thousand lifetimes and a thousand centuries. I feel that I’ve been through a lot of facets in life. I feel that I went to an endless operation and this time there is no backing out. I know that this seems ironic but I just wanted to express how tired I am with life.

I’m tired.
It’s as if all the burdens of this world were put into my shoulders. It weighed like a ton of bricks, and this time I think this heavy weight is too much to bear. I am easily fazed with emotions and the lightest things. It’s as if I suddenly became a helpless being that is so sensitive with the things that’s surrounding me.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with life in general. I’m tired with the infinite cycles of thoughts that kept bombarding my weary mind. I’m tired of the endless processes which my neurons and neurotransmitters kept on doing and I feel that they are tired also. I realized that my brain also gets tired.

I’m tired.
I feel that my heart is slowing down its pace. It’s as if it wanted me to rest. Not the kind of rest people usually perceive, but the kind of rest which most people have been yearning for. I can feel that the aorta and the ventricles are going to give up any minute now. I can feel that a ruptured vein is fast-apporaching.

I’m tired.
I’m tired with everything, I am tired with the constant cycle of life. When will this ever end? Will this end when the crabs learned how to fly? Or when  hell suddenly started to freeze?

I’m tired.
I’m tired, I’m tired,
I just wish that this endless trials will stop. I just pray that God would somehow end these cruel things that are trying to dominate my life.
I just hope that I’ll survive.

But the thing is, I am tired.
I realized after almost twenty-two years of existence, my whole being and my soul gets tired too.

However, a strong gravitational pull kept pulling me back to my senses. It serves as my constant reminder that I needed to fight, that the race of life has just started.

Despite the near-death experiences which my body kept on experiencing, a lot of people became my instruments of survival. They served as my electrical charge, my CPR, and my life-support. This somehow fueled my determination to fight, to live, and to evenly breathe. This somehow comforted me that everything will be okay. That I’ll be okay.

This time, maybe I just have to take baby steps. Eventually, it will be hard, eventually, it’ll be worst. So people, please don’t give up on me. Don’t get tired of constantly reminding me that I can make it, that I am a fighter. Feed me with positivity, with warmth and embrace. Because this time, I am admitting defeat, this time… I am raising the white flag.

~ H (July 21, 2017; 9:08pm)

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