Distant

Why were you suddenly distant?

Is this your way of saying no? Is this your way of saying, I am not interested in you?

Your silence is killing me. Like a million stab wounds and a ruptured vein. You are starting to become my poison, my drug… that as time goes by… it will eventually lead me to my premature death. 

I just wanted to know that I am getting there… so please.. don’t speed up the process. Don’t speed up the time I have left here on earth. 

Even in my dreams, you were starting to become distant. I then realized that this is such a cruel world. 

Even in my imaginations… you were so distant. The space that we have right now can be compared with the miles between the earth and the moon. 

How are you? I hope you’re doing fine. I hope you’re doing well. I hope that all the anxieties and negativity of this world stop embracing you. Let them embrace me, let them hug me until they squeeze the life out of me. For in your life, their is so much potential compared to my blemished-self. 

Still, thank you for doing the favor. For completely crashing my innermost being. For shattering my spirit and my soul. This is what I have been asking for so that I know where I will stand, so that I know where will I be… so that I know my limitations. 

Eventually… I’ll stop. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow… but probably someday. When I really found someone who would make me forget about you, when I finally found someone who can reciprocate the love I freely give. 

I know this will be hard. A million questions kept bombarding my weary mind. It led me to unanswerable questions, where answers are given after the trials and the strenuous tests. 
How do I stop loving someone? How do I pull myself back together? How do I move on?

I tried googling the answers… however ERROR 404 showed up. And here I thought google knows everything. 

So now, I’ll drown myself to academics and probably work. I needed a new circle… A new focus, a new hobby… something new that can distract me from these raging emotions and hope that this approach would somehow help me cope and move on. 

~ H (August 10, 2017; 11:49am) 

Another Failed Attempt

I am writing this without any direction.

Parallelism will cease to exist in this composition, like my heart who has been constantly shredded into fine pieces… without any form of order or pattern. 
Words, phrases, sentences, and even paragraphs failed to describe the emotions that I have been dealing right now. My mind has been bombarded with trivial things. Things that you wished you didn’t hear.
These are emotions that are set to kill and destroy your well-being. Emotions that could set your heart into a chaotic mess. 
It’s hard…

It’s hard to be constantly slapped by the reality that his heart is set for someone else. Someone far better than you… far better than all the precious jewels combined from this world. 
It’s painful to fully grasp this concept that you’ve become his pastime. That the love, passion, or admiration that I have cannot be reciprocated. 
How does one tell their heart to stop its rhythmic beat for someone? 

How does one tell their mind to halt their mind from expecting from someone? 
I needed someone to crash my hopes now. Right at this moment. But when someone suddenly spoke the right words.. when someone suddenly stated that the remedy of this is time. All of a sudden, I wanted to raise the white flag. 
The pain is still bearable. Tolerable. 

However, I believe the force will gradually increase. I could feel it, the incoming palpitation and throbbing of my chest. This is something foreign to me, something scarier than the physical defect my heart has. Something that only time can heal. 
So to the guys out there… 

When a girl deeply admires you (and you know you can’t reciprocate it), crash their spirit, crash their soul… before their spark turns into flame, before a single drop turns into an ocean, and before the night turns into dawn.
Do them this favor, so they can somehow save themselves from drowning… do them this favor so that they can cope and move on. 
And here I thought happy endings coexist with my reality. I’m afraid it’ll start to exist in my next life. 
~H (Aug 4, 2017; 2:52am)

How do you tell someone to stop? 

How do you tell someone to stop loving you?

How do you say the words “I dont love you, I’m sorry..” without shattering his heart into fine pieces? 

How do you state the words “I am sorry but I cannot reciprocate the love you freely give to me.” without hurting this person?

How do you say such sentences without breaking someone’s heart?

How do you tell someone to stop expecting? To stop yearning that there is a slight chance or hope that the two of us could be as one. 

How do you tell such person to stop bombarding me with mindful thoughts that are trying to eat me alive. This is far from the cuteness which one may expect. This is far more different than the sappy love stories and movies we usually watch. 

How do you tell someone to give up? To give up any thoughts of having a relationship with me and move one. I know he deserves someone far better than me. Someone who would not take him for granted. Someone who is willing to reciprocate the love he effortlessly give. 

It was foolish of me to say that maybe he can expect me to garner romantic emotions towards him if I suffered amnesia.

 
But he was so heartless to say that he wished for it to happen to me. That life would be cruel enough to erase any thoughts of not wanting him and eventually fall in love with him. His confession scared me. He confessed that he wants me to be involved in a trauma so that I could have a retrograde amnesia. 

But do remember this one thing… 

The mind may forget, but the heart does not. Despite my heart’s internal glitches and flaws, I believe that it is still good in one thing. It knows that it will only constantly beat to someone I dearly love. 

However, I also wanted someone to tell me such harsh statements. So that I could stop yearning for any thoughts of us. So that I could finally grasp the reality that I am treading to. I wanted that someone to directly say that he couldn’t reciprocate the love I can willingly give. I don’t expect an apology nor any ‘I’m sorry’ statements for he didn’t do any wrong. It’s not his fault for not loving me, it’s not his fault for not giving back for this isn’t a symbiotic relationship where the two benefits from eachother. 

I hope he tells me such statements soon. Before the very depths of the pacific ocean engulfs me whole, before I fall into a limitless abyss and reach to the point where there is no turning back. 

I don’t care if it’ll hurt like hell. I don’t care if my heart will weigh as if it carries all the burdens of the world. I don’t care if my mind would explode like a huge meteorite. I don’t care if my whole being would be shattered into miniscule pieces. I don’t care. But I do care about the thoughts he has or me. 

~ H (July 28, 2017; 8:13pm)

Well that escalated quickly. Here I thought I am just going to vent out about someone constantly not giving up on me. It has been very stressful mentally and emotionally lately. 

Yes it’s you. 

Yes it’s you..

I like you. I liked you since I first set my eyes on you. I liked how you slowly curve your lips to smile, how you crunch your forehead in contemplation, how you undemurely laughed the contents of your heart, and how dramatic you and your posts can be. 

You are like a mixture of extremes that one cannot fully describe and define. I liked you since then. I don’t know what fueled my determination to endlessly seek your presence and companionship. All I know is that I am going with the flow, and I think it’s pretty obvious that the L-word is slowly coming, like a ton of bricks and like a thunder storm.

~ H (June 15, 2017, 1:50am)

You failed to see me…

You failed to see me

How the light inside me constantly illuminate the darkest depths of my heart. My heart started warming up again as soon as I realized I am falling for you.. however, now it’s starting to become frigid.
You failed to see me

How my smile shined the brightest when I constantly look at your galaxy-like eyes. Eyes that are able to give warmth, eyes that are able to thaw my ice-like heart. I realized that this is my home, this is where I belong.
You failed to see me

How I am trying my best for you to notice me. 

Then negative realizations dominated my weary mind. Telling me that I am the most average out of all the averages. I am a simple girl who isn’t easily noticed and easily forsaken. 
You failed to see me 

How I try to be caring to you. How I constantly  reminded you that an average human needs to eat, how animals even knows how to rest, how I try to impress healthy living on you.
You failed to see me

How I constantly pray for you, how I continuously ask the Lord to supplement you with endless immunity and renewed strength for I know that you needed it more compared to me.
You failed to see me 

How I try to put a very strong front when facing you. How I try to be invincible despite my weaknesses and flaws. I wanted to show you that you can count on me. I wanted to let you know that I am here for you.
You failed to see me

How my gaze never leaves you. How my peripheral view are so focused on you, on your actions, on your words.. on everything. I am constantly looking at you with eyes of adoration, a biased persective that never stops looking at you in awe. 
You failed to see me

Simply because you were so focused on one thing. You were so focused on someone.. you were so focused on her. 

Your judgement is clouded and your peripheral view is blocked.

This is the reason why you failed to see me. 
Nevertheless, you may have failed to see me, at least I am still blessed that I can still freely see you. 

~H 12:16am June 22, 2017

I needed someone…

I needed someone to tell me to stop loving him. I needed someone to tell me to stop expecting, to stop yearning at the thought of him. I needed someone to crash my spirits so as not to keep my hopes up.  I needed someone to yell at me that I am heading in the wrong direction, that the path I am taking isn’t the path for me. I needed someone to wake me up in my senses that my sense of sight shouldn’t be devoted solely for seeing him, that my sense of hearing isn’t devoted for his voice, that my sense of smell isn’t devoted for his scent… I needed someone to advise me that things will not be okay if I continue… that things will not end very well like I expected it to be. 
I needed someone to wake me up in this frenzy state… I needed someone to constantly bicker me that he doesn’t feel the same way I did, that he doesnt love me genuinely. I needed someone to feed me with endless thoughts that we are not meant to be, that he isn’t my other half that can make me whole. I needed someone to whisper in my ears that things will not go as planned, that this isn’t the way how my life would go on.. I needed someone to order my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit that any thoughts of him are poison that could engulf my whole being. I needed someone to direct my life that I deserve more than the love I freely give… that I deserve more than an unrequited love. 

However, I also wanted someone to feed me with false hopes and with lies that the two of us were fated by the stars. That all the constellations cleared our paths for us to meet. For I still yearn for his voice, for his reassuring smile and for the warmthness he freely give through his power hugs. I wanted someone to tell me to take the risk, to enjoy life that is ahead me. I wanted someone to encourage me that my days are numbered and should spend my precious days dreaming, believing, and hoping for him. I wanted someone to comfort me with words that things will go as planned, that everything will work out in time… that everything will be okay. I wanted someone to instill a positive perspective in me that he might be the one that I have been waiting.
But then, our wants are different from our needs. I realized that our ‘wants’ are things that we selfishly aimed without thinking of the other party. I have failed to realize that his heart was already set for someone else that is why some things are needed to be done, and limitless contemplation and heart-shattering decisions should follow.  It is hard to condition one’s heart, soul, and mind but it can happen. I’ll try to make it happen. For I also needed saving, I need to save myself from you. 

~ H (June 27, 2017, 9:27pm)