I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

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At some point…

At some point, 

you have to stop being so stubborn, 

you have to stop being so ignorant,

you have to stop hiding, hiding inside your shell, to shy away from the truth, to constantly be in a state of denial…
Eventually, you have to voice it out soon,

eventually, you have to confess to him,

eventually, you have to face it…
You’ll be in a state of dilemma asking yourself.. 
‘It’s now or never’
Eventually, you’ll be forced to take the risk, and to fight for it..
Eventually, you have to state the three crucial words…
or else…
someone will.
~ H (June 15, 2017; 1:56am)

p.s. Maybe I am choosing the latter.. I don’t know what to feel anymore… if this battle that I am fighting is still worth it.. or am I the only one holding on.. tbh, I am tired to feel nothing and everything all at once. 

~ H ( Sept 25, 2017; 11:09pm) 

An Honest Conversation

Random conversation with my schoolmate way way way way… back high school.
This just happened a few days ago…

“It’s your fault, you won’t give me any chance that I could possibly get” He muttered with exasperation, I sighed in defeat.

“You deserve far better” I softly stated.

“How? How can you say that you are not better?”

“Seriously? Are we having this kind of conversation again?” I laughed and looked at the clock.

“It’s only 7pm for heaven’s sake,  and we’re having a very deep conversation already” I laughed again, but then I noticed his features, I can feel every bit or ounce of seriousness oozing from his stature, I then stopped my laughing… maybe he is really serious with this. But then again, I really thought he has already moved on, it’s been six years since he first confessed.

“There’s a great distance between ‘Hazel’ and ‘Better'” I continued.

“How?”

One way or another, I will be having this conversation… why not spill all the negative thoughts I have right now with him?

“I may take people’s efforts and love for granted… mainly because I’m not yet ready. I believe that in order to love someone wholeheartedly, you must first love yourself.” I paused and looked at his reaction. I can’t quite understand his face actually. What could he be thinking right now?

“You know, I am still in the process of exploring and knowing the true essence of self-love” I continued. He took a step back, and proceeded with a defensive stance.

“Well, you could do that by entertaining, and who knows? Maybe giving somebody a chance to love you might help you love yourself as well” He stated with conviction. But why do I feel that what he is saying is still wrong? Now, I am getting more and more confused.

“Still, you know me… I can’t afford to hurt anyone for that matter. Even though I may not have one for the last 21 years of my existence here on earth.. still, I know that there should be a ‘give’and ‘take’ in a relationship. I can’t give something that I don’t have yet… More or less, if I invested in a relationship, it may have chaotic and devastating results since my other half is busy filling me up, he may feel empty because he isn’t receiving the right love in return.” I don’t know what got me, but suddenly, everything is starting to make sense.

“You don’t love to get love in return” He smiled. But something is still off.

“Yes, that’s the statement I’ve been holding on… however in this world, that is not the reality. I’ve came across with a lot of clients, friends, and loved ones who realized that love is a symbiotic relationship where you may take, but you also need to give. It is not always the case where you constantly take a piece of him, of his time, of his effort… you also need to give away something that is a part of you, to make such relationship work.” I defended. Seriously, he did not inform me that this type of conversation is highly related to my thesis defense where I need to defend my thoughts and beliefs towards love.

“Yes, I know that you should give as well. I also know that love is more pain than joy. Maybe right now, you can’t give back the love you have been receiving since you are still ‘loving’ yourself. But Hazel, you are worth the investment” He said and deeply sighed. Upon hearing those words, I am waiting for butterflies in my stomach but only emptiness dominated my whole being.

“HAHAHAHAHA Let’s stop this convo, ugh look at the time… it’s way too early to have such deep conversation” I tried to laugh off all the increased tension and awkwardness.

“But I am serious, Hazel” He still maintained his serious act. Can’t we just stop this conversation and continue with our separate lives? I don’t want to hurt him.

“Serious in what sense?” I just wanted to check if all of this is just an act and he would be back to his old jolly and clown-self.

“In all sense.. to be honest, I have a lot of insecurities, especially towards you” This statement piqued my interest.

“You’ve got to be kidding me… like?”  Why would he feel insecure with me? I am also a damaged human being in need of someone’s love too. But of course, not from him.

“Well, I’ve done a lot of mistakes in the past, mistakes that I am pretty sure you are well aware of.. but look at you… your whole being is so pure. Would you still accept me despite all of that?” I know what he means.

“It has always been declared not only from the bible but also in our church that we are a new creation of God. He has already delivered you from your past mistakes. You also need to forgive yourself.”

“You haven’t answered my question” He reminded me.

“I would still accept you or everyone for that matter, I would embrace their flaws and imperfections” I replied in a generalized manner.

“Awwww, see? Now tell me, who  told you that you are not better?” I laughed at his statement since I am unable to respond to that. Uncertainty still embraced my whole being. But one things is certain..

I am not in love with him.

“Anyways, would you give me a chance?” He questioned me again. This time, I need to tell him the truth..

“I don’t know how to answer that without completely breaking your heart… Honestly,  I’m in love with someone else.” There… I said it. I don’t know if I said it for him, or I am saying it for myself. I don’t know anymore.

“Okay” 

“You deserve far better than me… I hope you realize that. God bless” Just to ease the tension and awkwardness and at the same time end this conversation.

“You don’t know that yet… quit judging the future” And I;m afraid, that concludes our conversation.

He’s right… no one is certain of the future. But through this conversation, realizations hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe, I really still need to love myself, or what if… a certain someone could show me or help me how to really love myself.

Through this conversation, all certain things became uncertain… yet some uncertain things finally became certain.

I am certain, that I am in love with someone.

I finally learned to let the chips fall where they may and entrust everything to our sovereign Lord. This time, I am giving back the pen to the author of my life and love story… this time I would sit back, read, and watch about my future slowly unraveling before my very eyes.

 

~H (September 22, 2017; 3:01am)

 

Are you aware?

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

The constant butterflies in my stomach whenever you crossed my mind… I believe that butterflies is an understatement… there are dragons inside my stomach whenever I look at you.. whenever I see you.. your eyes, your smile, your whole being.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

The constant palpitation in my chest. And here I thought I am sick, it’s just my heart getting excited upon seeing you, getting excited with your presence, with your whole being.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

I feel secured when you embraced me, I feel that all the negativity and all the sadness were completely washed away as soon as I felt your warm embrace. In your arms I found my refuge, in your arms I found my strength.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

I can’t even look at you, I forgot the color of your eyes, the shape of your face, the structure of your jaw line… when will be the time where I can freely gaze at you and your beautifully-flawed features?

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Your voice are like music in my ears, your laugh brings joy to my heart. I realized that I would always love these simple things.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Your handwritten pieces are like abstract art to me, your paintings and beautiful pieces are my inspiration… I hope you realize your worth when it comes to these things. Your pieces are beautiful.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

My heart instantly skips a beat whenever your name shows up at my phone. My mood immediately lightens up whenever I received a notification from you. You are my favorite notification, I hope you realize that.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Despite the tiredness that I feel, the illness that got me, the negativity of this world that embraced me… all of these things suddenly makes no sense as soon as I read your encouraging words, these things became useless as soon as I heard your reassuring voice, telling me to continue the good fight of faith.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

You are the reason why I am sleep-deprived these past few days.. The reason why my mind has been constantly processing thoughts non-stop.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Frustrations, doubts, and second-guessing myself. Am I really the one? Or am I assuming things? Should I give in to what they are saying? Negativity once embraced me again. I am not saying this is your fault. Blame my weary mind, blame my weary heart. Blame my friends who does not support me for loving you. Blame their discouraging words and endless advice. Blame all of them but yourself.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

There are a lot of moments where I forgot what dying feels like and what pain feels like… For in those moments, there’s only you and me.

 

Are you aware of what you make me feel?

Frustrations again, I am tired of this unrequited love. Can’t you just crash my spirits right now? Before this sadness eats up my entire universe, before this despair swallows me whole.

 

Are you aware?
Are you aware?

I’m afraid not.
~H (August 26, 2017; 12:43am)

I hope you know…

Despite all the things that they have said..
Despite the fact that you didn’t even loved me in the first place…
Despite all the negative things and statements they have been throwing at me about you…

 

I still love you..

I still do..

I hope you know that.

Even though I needed to love myself.. even though they kept instilling that self-love is the key to this illness that got me… I would still choose to love you… despite the pain, despite the hurt that has been eating me alive.

~H (August 30, 2017; 6:56pm)

 

 

Distant

Why were you suddenly distant?

Is this your way of saying no? Is this your way of saying, I am not interested in you?

Your silence is killing me. Like a million stab wounds and a ruptured vein. You are starting to become my poison, my drug… that as time goes by… it will eventually lead me to my premature death. 

I just wanted to know that I am getting there… so please.. don’t speed up the process. Don’t speed up the time I have left here on earth. 

Even in my dreams, you were starting to become distant. I then realized that this is such a cruel world. 

Even in my imaginations… you were so distant. The space that we have right now can be compared with the miles between the earth and the moon. 

How are you? I hope you’re doing fine. I hope you’re doing well. I hope that all the anxieties and negativity of this world stop embracing you. Let them embrace me, let them hug me until they squeeze the life out of me. For in your life, their is so much potential compared to my blemished-self. 

Still, thank you for doing the favor. For completely crashing my innermost being. For shattering my spirit and my soul. This is what I have been asking for so that I know where I will stand, so that I know where will I be… so that I know my limitations. 

Eventually… I’ll stop. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow… but probably someday. When I really found someone who would make me forget about you, when I finally found someone who can reciprocate the love I freely give. 

I know this will be hard. A million questions kept bombarding my weary mind. It led me to unanswerable questions, where answers are given after the trials and the strenuous tests. 
How do I stop loving someone? How do I pull myself back together? How do I move on?

I tried googling the answers… however ERROR 404 showed up. And here I thought google knows everything. 

So now, I’ll drown myself to academics and probably work. I needed a new circle… A new focus, a new hobby… something new that can distract me from these raging emotions and hope that this approach would somehow help me cope and move on. 

~ H (August 10, 2017; 11:49am) 

Another Failed Attempt

I am writing this without any direction.

Parallelism will cease to exist in this composition, like my heart who has been constantly shredded into fine pieces… without any form of order or pattern. 
Words, phrases, sentences, and even paragraphs failed to describe the emotions that I have been dealing right now. My mind has been bombarded with trivial things. Things that you wished you didn’t hear.
These are emotions that are set to kill and destroy your well-being. Emotions that could set your heart into a chaotic mess. 
It’s hard…

It’s hard to be constantly slapped by the reality that his heart is set for someone else. Someone far better than you… far better than all the precious jewels combined from this world. 
It’s painful to fully grasp this concept that you’ve become his pastime. That the love, passion, or admiration that I have cannot be reciprocated. 
How does one tell their heart to stop its rhythmic beat for someone? 

How does one tell their mind to halt their mind from expecting from someone? 
I needed someone to crash my hopes now. Right at this moment. But when someone suddenly spoke the right words.. when someone suddenly stated that the remedy of this is time. All of a sudden, I wanted to raise the white flag. 
The pain is still bearable. Tolerable. 

However, I believe the force will gradually increase. I could feel it, the incoming palpitation and throbbing of my chest. This is something foreign to me, something scarier than the physical defect my heart has. Something that only time can heal. 
So to the guys out there… 

When a girl deeply admires you (and you know you can’t reciprocate it), crash their spirit, crash their soul… before their spark turns into flame, before a single drop turns into an ocean, and before the night turns into dawn.
Do them this favor, so they can somehow save themselves from drowning… do them this favor so that they can cope and move on. 
And here I thought happy endings coexist with my reality. I’m afraid it’ll start to exist in my next life. 
~H (Aug 4, 2017; 2:52am)

How do you tell someone to stop? 

How do you tell someone to stop loving you?

How do you say the words “I dont love you, I’m sorry..” without shattering his heart into fine pieces? 

How do you state the words “I am sorry but I cannot reciprocate the love you freely give to me.” without hurting this person?

How do you say such sentences without breaking someone’s heart?

How do you tell someone to stop expecting? To stop yearning that there is a slight chance or hope that the two of us could be as one. 

How do you tell such person to stop bombarding me with mindful thoughts that are trying to eat me alive. This is far from the cuteness which one may expect. This is far more different than the sappy love stories and movies we usually watch. 

How do you tell someone to give up? To give up any thoughts of having a relationship with me and move one. I know he deserves someone far better than me. Someone who would not take him for granted. Someone who is willing to reciprocate the love he effortlessly give. 

It was foolish of me to say that maybe he can expect me to garner romantic emotions towards him if I suffered amnesia.

 
But he was so heartless to say that he wished for it to happen to me. That life would be cruel enough to erase any thoughts of not wanting him and eventually fall in love with him. His confession scared me. He confessed that he wants me to be involved in a trauma so that I could have a retrograde amnesia. 

But do remember this one thing… 

The mind may forget, but the heart does not. Despite my heart’s internal glitches and flaws, I believe that it is still good in one thing. It knows that it will only constantly beat to someone I dearly love. 

However, I also wanted someone to tell me such harsh statements. So that I could stop yearning for any thoughts of us. So that I could finally grasp the reality that I am treading to. I wanted that someone to directly say that he couldn’t reciprocate the love I can willingly give. I don’t expect an apology nor any ‘I’m sorry’ statements for he didn’t do any wrong. It’s not his fault for not loving me, it’s not his fault for not giving back for this isn’t a symbiotic relationship where the two benefits from eachother. 

I hope he tells me such statements soon. Before the very depths of the pacific ocean engulfs me whole, before I fall into a limitless abyss and reach to the point where there is no turning back. 

I don’t care if it’ll hurt like hell. I don’t care if my heart will weigh as if it carries all the burdens of the world. I don’t care if my mind would explode like a huge meteorite. I don’t care if my whole being would be shattered into miniscule pieces. I don’t care. But I do care about the thoughts he has or me. 

~ H (July 28, 2017; 8:13pm)

Well that escalated quickly. Here I thought I am just going to vent out about someone constantly not giving up on me. It has been very stressful mentally and emotionally lately. 

Yes it’s you. 

Yes it’s you..

I like you. I liked you since I first set my eyes on you. I liked how you slowly curve your lips to smile, how you crunch your forehead in contemplation, how you undemurely laughed the contents of your heart, and how dramatic you and your posts can be. 

You are like a mixture of extremes that one cannot fully describe and define. I liked you since then. I don’t know what fueled my determination to endlessly seek your presence and companionship. All I know is that I am going with the flow, and I think it’s pretty obvious that the L-word is slowly coming, like a ton of bricks and like a thunder storm.

~ H (June 15, 2017, 1:50am)

You failed to see me…

You failed to see me

How the light inside me constantly illuminate the darkest depths of my heart. My heart started warming up again as soon as I realized I am falling for you.. however, now it’s starting to become frigid.
You failed to see me

How my smile shined the brightest when I constantly look at your galaxy-like eyes. Eyes that are able to give warmth, eyes that are able to thaw my ice-like heart. I realized that this is my home, this is where I belong.
You failed to see me

How I am trying my best for you to notice me. 

Then negative realizations dominated my weary mind. Telling me that I am the most average out of all the averages. I am a simple girl who isn’t easily noticed and easily forsaken. 
You failed to see me 

How I try to be caring to you. How I constantly  reminded you that an average human needs to eat, how animals even knows how to rest, how I try to impress healthy living on you.
You failed to see me

How I constantly pray for you, how I continuously ask the Lord to supplement you with endless immunity and renewed strength for I know that you needed it more compared to me.
You failed to see me 

How I try to put a very strong front when facing you. How I try to be invincible despite my weaknesses and flaws. I wanted to show you that you can count on me. I wanted to let you know that I am here for you.
You failed to see me

How my gaze never leaves you. How my peripheral view are so focused on you, on your actions, on your words.. on everything. I am constantly looking at you with eyes of adoration, a biased persective that never stops looking at you in awe. 
You failed to see me

Simply because you were so focused on one thing. You were so focused on someone.. you were so focused on her. 

Your judgement is clouded and your peripheral view is blocked.

This is the reason why you failed to see me. 
Nevertheless, you may have failed to see me, at least I am still blessed that I can still freely see you. 

~H 12:16am June 22, 2017