He asked…

“Where do you want to go?” He questioned me while I am trying to balance the bottle I am holding using one hand. 

After a failed attempt of balancing it, he grabbed the bottle and faced me. He looked at me with eyes that is so taunting yet at the same time very alluring. 

“Somewhere quiet” I whispered. I tried to get the bottle back so that I can distract myself again, so that I can get my mind occuppied. But he instead held my hand and continued to stare at me with eyes that I couldn’t understand. I cannot define the emotion behind it nor distinguish the mysterious light in his eyes. I sighed and doubted on whether to pour the contents of my mind and heart on him. 

“I want somewhere peaceful, somewhere I can have my own space without anyone hovering over it. A place where I can hear my thoughts as clear as canvas, a place where I won’t lose my sanity.” I said then looked at the bright evening sky, enveloped with a million stars. 

“Don’t we all?” I heard him say and managed to let out a genuine smile. The kind of smile that will be painted in your minds forever. 

“Yeah” I nodded in agreement. I took a deep breathe and as I exhale, I also tried to let go all the burdens, anxieties, and regrets. I finally came to a realization that this is a safe haven, that I can fully trust him. The warmth of his hand is enough to address the coldness within me. 
This time, I know he’s not going anywhere.

Then I woke up.

My dreams are getting weirder. How can a dream feel so real? 

~ H (July 18, 2017; 11:35pm) 

 

Someone

I am constantly afraid of the unknown, the lack of ability to foretell things from the future. I am constantly terrified of what might happen next and how it can affect my whole being. I am scared of what I can become, I am scared from who I will be spending my life with.

Will it be someone who would look at me with eyes that are warm like summer? Will it be someone who has lips that are ready to give limitless assurance and encouraging words? Will it be someone who would never have the heart to hurt me, who cannot stomach the sight of seeing me helplessly crying?

Will it be someone who knows how to strum the strings of my heart? Someone who knows the very beat of it, someone that can go with the rhythm? Will it be someone who understands my maze-like, chaotic mind? Someone who knows how to get through with the heavy barriers and thick walls of my heart? Someone who knows his way and won’t get lost to oblivion. 

Will it be someone that I can trust? Someone who is ready to share his burdens to me and I to him? Will it be someone who has the same passion with me? Someone who has a helping heart and someone who is up to the challenge of serving this nation?

Will it be someone whom I will cherish and treasure forever? Someone who could understand my panic attacks and anxieties… someone who is also willing to put up with my sickness? 

I am tired with constantly contemplating about such things. I am tired from being scared, from being ignorant and naive, and from being a coward. Lastly, let me impress this question to you…
Are you that someone? 
~ H (May 31, 2017; 12:36am) charot lang to HAHAHAHA Entry #6 

p.s. I know that the last part feels forced, like I am trying to quickly end this piece (bcoz I lost my inspiration to cont. this) 

I’ll try to go back and finish this article when I finally found that someone charot. Don’t wait for this article to be finished tho, it’ll be years before finally finding my other half. 😂 ciao!

A nameless piece…

It’s already half-passed nine in the evening and here I am drowned with thoughts about you… I am scared, I am frightened and such heavy rain does not help with the raging emotions I constantly faced. Even though I am under these heavy covers to give me warmth, why do I still feel cold? Even though my sister is with me, why do I still feel alone? 
This rain is not doing any good for thunders and lightnings aren’t my healthy companion. The sound of pouring rain against the roof is the scariest thing that I have to go through right now. Cold sweats began to emerge in my forehead. Where are you? Where were you when I needed you most? I needed your warmth, I needed your embrace… I needed your soothing words to calm all the anxieties within me. I needed you.. 
When exhaustion finally consumes my inner fears that I am struggling, that’s when I realized that in your world I am non-existent. In your world I am nothing…
So that’s why let me just rant all these feels here. Anyways, you’ll never even know that it is you that I am talking about. You’ll never even know that I have fallen in love with you, you’ll never even know that all these articles are for you. I don’t even know if you’re reading this… I am just hoping and praying that such feels will pass by like a blur, for it hurts too much. Part of me is wishing to have an amnesia so I could forget about you but a part of me is still holding on.. still hoping that maybe time will come that you would look sideways.. That time will come that you’ll eventually gaze at me and realize that I am the one. 
[charot HAHA~ H (June 25, 2017, 9:47pm)] p.s. I didn’t have any idea on what would be a great title for this heart-wrenching piece.. so just went with ‘a nameless piece’.