I hope and pray…

I hope and pray that the world’s negativity would stop embracing you…

I hope and pray that you would find some light when you are covered with darkness…

I hope and pray that warmth would surround you when you are drenched with sadness and coldness…

I hope and pray that you would stop second-guessing yourself…

I hope and pray that you would see yourself the way I see you…

I hope and pray that you smile today, I don’t care if I am not the reason of your laughter or your smile… all I wanted is you to be genuinely happy.

I hope and pray that you would be able to rest… Not the kind of rest where you just sleep it off and temporarily escape the harsh reality of this world… but the kind of rest where you are at peace and happy…

I hope and pray that you would be free from all the problems and mistakes that has been constantly prisoning you… hindering you from attaining the happiness that you’ve always wanted…

I hope and pray that you would finally find someone who would love you unconditionaly. Someone who is equipped in taking care of you… someone who would really look after you… (I know I am not that someone… but still, there’s nothing wrong with wishing you all the best things this world has to offer even if it doesn’t include me).

I hope and pray that people should stop taking you for granted… taking your work for granted… I hope you know that we are proud of you… you’re doing great so far. Keep going.

I hope and pray that you would be able to find what you have been looking for… what you have been yearning for… what you have been praying for (may it be work, another field, or what…) so you wont feel so lost anymore.

I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen you… physically, emotionally, mentally, financially… and spiritually.

I hope and pray that God will remove the ultimate stressors that has been bombarding your weary mind lately… or if He can’t remove it… at least offer you a renewed perspective.

I hope and pray that you realize that I am here… I am still here. Always ready to listen to you. Waiting. Part of me is still striving to continue… part of me wants to fight.

I am choosing you even though it freaking hurts. Because the other part of me is slightly giving up. I also get tired of second-guessing myself too. I also need assurance if this is still worth it. I can’t fight alone. I can’t be the only one pulling this up. I can’t be the only one carrying this heavy weight. I need you. I needed you… so tell me if I need to stop. Tell me if I need to stop caring and loving you (even though that is next to impossible).

Lastly…

I hope you realize that the majority of my written pieces are all about you… I know these are only little things… but it all boils down to the reason behind why am I doing this?

Simple…

because I love you.
but why does my love equates to pain?

~ H (October 16, 2017; 12:45am)

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He asked…

“Where do you want to go?” He questioned me while I am trying to balance the bottle I am holding using one hand. 

After a failed attempt of balancing it, he grabbed the bottle and faced me. He looked at me with eyes that is so taunting yet at the same time very alluring. 

“Somewhere quiet” I whispered. I tried to get the bottle back so that I can distract myself again, so that I can get my mind occuppied. But he instead held my hand and continued to stare at me with eyes that I couldn’t understand. I cannot define the emotion behind it nor distinguish the mysterious light in his eyes. I sighed and doubted on whether to pour the contents of my mind and heart on him. 

“I want somewhere peaceful, somewhere I can have my own space without anyone hovering over it. A place where I can hear my thoughts as clear as canvas, a place where I won’t lose my sanity.” I said then looked at the bright evening sky, enveloped with a million stars. 

“Don’t we all?” I heard him say and managed to let out a genuine smile. The kind of smile that will be painted in your minds forever. 

“Yeah” I nodded in agreement. I took a deep breathe and as I exhale, I also tried to let go all the burdens, anxieties, and regrets. I finally came to a realization that this is a safe haven, that I can fully trust him. The warmth of his hand is enough to address the coldness within me. 
This time, I know he’s not going anywhere.

Then I woke up.

My dreams are getting weirder. How can a dream feel so real? 

~ H (July 18, 2017; 11:35pm) 

 

Someone

I am constantly afraid of the unknown, the lack of ability to foretell things from the future. I am constantly terrified of what might happen next and how it can affect my whole being. I am scared of what I can become, I am scared from who I will be spending my life with.

Will it be someone who would look at me with eyes that are warm like summer? Will it be someone who has lips that are ready to give limitless assurance and encouraging words? Will it be someone who would never have the heart to hurt me, who cannot stomach the sight of seeing me helplessly crying?

Will it be someone who knows how to strum the strings of my heart? Someone who knows the very beat of it, someone that can go with the rhythm? Will it be someone who understands my maze-like, chaotic mind? Someone who knows how to get through with the heavy barriers and thick walls of my heart? Someone who knows his way and won’t get lost to oblivion. 

Will it be someone that I can trust? Someone who is ready to share his burdens to me and I to him? Will it be someone who has the same passion with me? Someone who has a helping heart and someone who is up to the challenge of serving this nation?

Will it be someone whom I will cherish and treasure forever? Someone who could understand my panic attacks and anxieties… someone who is also willing to put up with my sickness? 

I am tired with constantly contemplating about such things. I am tired from being scared, from being ignorant and naive, and from being a coward. Lastly, let me impress this question to you…
Are you that someone? 
~ H (May 31, 2017; 12:36am) charot lang to HAHAHAHA Entry #6 

p.s. I know that the last part feels forced, like I am trying to quickly end this piece (bcoz I lost my inspiration to cont. this) 

I’ll try to go back and finish this article when I finally found that someone charot. Don’t wait for this article to be finished tho, it’ll be years before finally finding my other half. 😂 ciao!

A nameless piece…

It’s already half-passed nine in the evening and here I am drowned with thoughts about you… I am scared, I am frightened and such heavy rain does not help with the raging emotions I constantly faced. Even though I am under these heavy covers to give me warmth, why do I still feel cold? Even though my sister is with me, why do I still feel alone? 
This rain is not doing any good for thunders and lightnings aren’t my healthy companion. The sound of pouring rain against the roof is the scariest thing that I have to go through right now. Cold sweats began to emerge in my forehead. Where are you? Where were you when I needed you most? I needed your warmth, I needed your embrace… I needed your soothing words to calm all the anxieties within me. I needed you.. 
When exhaustion finally consumes my inner fears that I am struggling, that’s when I realized that in your world I am non-existent. In your world I am nothing…
So that’s why let me just rant all these feels here. Anyways, you’ll never even know that it is you that I am talking about. You’ll never even know that I have fallen in love with you, you’ll never even know that all these articles are for you. I don’t even know if you’re reading this… I am just hoping and praying that such feels will pass by like a blur, for it hurts too much. Part of me is wishing to have an amnesia so I could forget about you but a part of me is still holding on.. still hoping that maybe time will come that you would look sideways.. That time will come that you’ll eventually gaze at me and realize that I am the one. 
[charot HAHA~ H (June 25, 2017, 9:47pm)] p.s. I didn’t have any idea on what would be a great title for this heart-wrenching piece.. so just went with ‘a nameless piece’.