The Lonely Moon

Today’s moon was a bit overpowering that I didn’t have to open the lights in the kitchen to guide me. It’s lonely light illuminated the kitchen counter, the refrigerator, and then me.

Then an afterthought welcomed me like an unforeseen plot twist.

I looked at the moon and paused for a while and thought of you. The moon was so beautiful that I immediately thought of you. Hoping that you’ll see it and remind you about how great it is to be alive and be able to witness such beauty. Hoping that at your place, the clouds won’t hinder you from seeing such beautiful creation.
And also…I’m hoping that you’re looking too even though we’re miles apart and even though we have different timezones.

I guess, it’s silly of me to be hoping something like this but when you are longing for someone… Little things matter too.

I hope you’re looking at it or at least came across with it because with this, at least we’ll have that short connection… Like the distance between us will finally be shortened during that brief moment of looking up at the sky. That through this, the red string will eventually find its way to connect both of us once again even if it’s just a short while. That even though we stopped talking, there’s still that 0.00001 possibility of being related to you.

And if that happens…. I’m hoping that I’ll cross your mind too.
~H
July 5 2020
07:33
GMT+4

P.S. I know itz low quality but I just wanted to post this content and this is the only photo I have related to the moon lol. (but srsly. I love the mooon today).

Breakfast Dates

Why are breakfast dates not a thing?
Even though I’m not a morning person, my whole being still craves for sunrise.
I find breakfast dates completely underrated, like forget your lunch or dinner dates and let’s go eat bacon and souffle pancakes and watch the sunrise together.
A lot of people are unaware about the efforts behind it.
The effort of waking up quite early… The vulnerability you get to see once they let their guard down and witness their authentic side early in the morning with their bare face and signs of sleep found in their eyes.
Not to mention, breakfast has been tagged to be the most important meal of the day and imagine eating it with someone you love. In addition to that, you get to start the day with them too!
So let’s ditch the idea of romantic dinner dates wherein you dress up, you can also dress up nicely or sport an “I-woke-up-like-this” look during breakfast dates too!
Remember, the ones who are willing to spend the morning with you? Those are the ones who mean something.

~H
July 9, 2020
13:39 GMT+4

On this day, four years ago…

On this day, four years ago…
I remember I was in an island which most Filipinos sought after if they wanted to unwind. Although, I wasn’t there to just enjoy the scenery, I was there for a volunteer opportunity.
.
I remember how I used to walk in the sandy beach barefooted, feeling in the warm fine sand at the very soles of my feet, salt in my hair due to the sea air, and sun kissed my tan skin.
.
I remember I was talking to you during that time. I remember how my phone overheated because of hours spent talking to you, hoping that the gap and the distance between us would at least shorten.
.
I remember how I randomly walked within the vicinity of that island after volunteer hours. How I mindlessly wander around and describe all the things that’s surrounding me in great detail while talking to you, hoping that you’re there to see it.
.
I remember how I attempted to search for you in the sea of crowd even though I am fully aware that we’re miles apart. I am still hoping that at least someone would look the same as you, just to remind myself of what you look like. I try to see fragments and traces that will remind me of you, just to address this longingness that’s brewing deep inside me. Technology was a bit underdeveloped during that time that’s why I can only communicate with you through calls, I can only hear your voice but not see you.
.
I remember lying down on the cold sand after doing a quick night stroll. It has become too noisy for me, the streets buzz with loud music, the environment started to illuminate with strobe lights just to set the bar-ish mood. My phone is still in my hand, holding it to my right ear. I am still listening to your voice despite the rowdy environment I am currently in. Your voice lulls me to sleep. As I try to breathe in the salty beach air and listen to the soft waves when the sea meets the shore… Your voice drowned all the noise that’s surrounding me. Your voice was like a lullaby, it calms all the chaos inside me.
.
I remember everything as if it all happened just yesterday. Yet all these thing happened four years ago.
Right now, I know both of us have moved on and went on with our separate ways. I don’t know about you, but I am grateful I’ve moved on. Yet, regret kept knocking on my closed door. Will I open this door and let it in?
.
On this day, four years ago,
I regret not choosing you.
I regret losing someone who has loved me the most.

~H

June 2, 2020

19:24 GMT+4

Withered Tree

Even

though

I’ve

withered,

Diminished

into

a

devastating

state.

~

I

know,

deep

inside

me

I’ll

bear

some

fruits

.

.

.

and

bloom

someday.

~H

April 20, 2020

11:31am GMT+5

Wrong Door

Wrong Door

*knock knock*
Here I go again with my endless knocking.
No one answered.

*knock knock knock*
I tried again. I added an extra knock just to be sure.
No one still heeded my call.

*KNOCK KNOCK*
A bit louder this time.
Yet, it seems like no one is around to open the door for me.
No one is around to heed my call.

Countless times I’ve constantly knocked.
I’ve done it tirelessly…
Night and day,
Day and night for about 36 times.
As for the 37th knock? Maybe I’ll save it for the right door.

I once looked at the frigid cold door which is tightly shut and locked.
Upon observing it again, it seems like it won’t be opening for me for quite some time.

I have always admired this door…
Despite its rustic lines and heavily-painted old wood, it has a vintage asset that we all adore.

Whenever I looked at it, nostalgia laced my innermost being. Hugging me as if it wants to be known.
This door must have held a lot of precious memories.

Memories that we usually want to keep, memories that we do not want to let go.

By this time, reality is slowly creeping in… Wanting to be noticed, wanting to be known.

By this time, reality is finally settling in…
That maybe, this door is not meant to be opened.

Maybe this door isn’t meant for me.
That no matter how many times I try, beg, and pray…

It won’t open for me, and certainly, I believe God won’t allow it in the first place.

So dearest self, have you awaken yet to this harsh reality?
It is time to let that door go.
It is time to accept such reality that it will remain shut for forever…

For you do not hold the key nor the owner’s heart,
So let it go, let it be.

Can’t you see that the windows are tightly shut?
Even the air you breathe isn’t welcomed inside.

I hope you perceive these things as red flags,
And I hope these are enough to help you let go and set yourself free.

Be thankful for those 36 knocks you made.
For you have persevered, for you have endured such painful and tiring journey.

Now, your journey is to rest and to recuperate for the things that you have lost during the times you have tirelessly knocked and endured.

I know you seemed hopeful during those times, but let me be the first to break it up to you.

Dear, that isn’t your door.
That isn’t your door nor the path that is made for you.

You were made for something far greater than those painful 36 knocks you made.
This time, you won’t tirelessly search and knock anymore…

This time, you won’t be standing on the door begging for it to be opened.
This time… it’ll come to you, wide open.
It’ll welcome you as if you were a lost child who has gone missing and left home.

Warmth will be felt oozing from its doorsteps.
Upon seeing that fateful door someday, all you can say and think will be…
I am home.

~ H

Note:
Let’s say that 36 times equates to 3 years (12 x 3) hypothetical and figuratively.

March 24, 2020; 03:55am UTC+4 Oman Standard Time

You

You kept saying that you’re too afraid to lose me…

But in the end, you were the one who let go of the rope, allowing me to fall in this never-ending abyss…

In the end, you were the one who let me go,

You were the one who left…

You may have lost me…

But the most painful fact is…

I lost you too.

~ H

January 24, 2020

04:17am GMT+4

Of all people… (a quotation)

Of all people, the ones we least

expected to tear our hearts, are the

ones who stood first in line and

effortlessly stabbed you with utmost

force, directed to your still-wounded,

still-striving, and barely-surviving heart.

~ H

September 18, 2019

22:20

A/N: Well, I guess that’s life.

You lose some yet you win some.

Someday.

I hope…

I hope…

I hope you were fine today…
It may have been the gloomiest due to external or internal factors, yet you are here…
Stil able to read, still able to write, and still able to comprehend.

I hope you weren’t lonely today…
Solitude could bring out the best and worst in you,
Let’s hope its not the latter though.

I hope you found time to rest today…
To be able to freely embrace the warm covers of your bed,
Lie without guilt and no deadlines and stress to haunt you now.

I hope you were able to eat today…
Not just your typical healthy and nutritious food coz that’s a given, but to be able to freely eat your comfort food is a plus, the one that is very rewarding.

I hope you were able to sleep today…
The sound sleep that you have been yearning for, the sound sleep that you truly deserve, the one that is restorative of your limitless exhaustion.

I hope you were able to laugh today…
The hearty one that depicts the sound of your jolly heart.
The one that echoes across the room, the one that drowns across the crowd.

If not…. Just like me…

I hope you have someone with you right now…
To help you drown those negative thoughts,
Thoughts that are self-defeating,
Thoughts that may sound true but doesn’t echo the truth,
Thoughts that adds on to the heavy weight in your chest right now.

I hope you have someone with you right now…
Someone who’d hug all your brokenness together like glue.
A scotch tape that tries to stick in all the broken pieces.
A band aid that tries to ease all the pain of the wound.
Not to mention, the alcohol that doesn’t only dulls your senses and judgment but also lulls you to sleep.

I hope you have someone with you right now…
Most especially at your very lowest, at your most weakest, your disheveled state that is self-injurious, a chaotic mess that made you more vulnerable than you ever be.

I hope you have someone with you right now…
Someone who doesn’t give you advise but just listens…
Someone who’s ready to lend an ear to hear and listen, someone who’s willing to be a shoulder that you could cry on, someone who lends a hand to wipe every tears you’ve shed. Because they know how crippling it is to be in this situation.

I hope you have someone with you right now…
Someone who doesn’t downplays what you have been going through, someone who doesn’t say that they’ve been through worse compared to yours, someone who completely understands and empathizes with you.

I hope you have someone with you right now…
Someone who doesn’t only pray for you but is also genuinely there for you through thick and thin, they let you know that they can be your refuge, your fortress, and your strength. Your daily reminder as you constantly battle with all the negativity which this world tries to throw at you…

I sincerely hope you have someone right now…
Someone who doesn’t leave when things get ugly (coz of your scars, your open wounds, and vulnerability) , someone who isn’t threatened when things go downhill, someone who doesn’t flee as soon as they saw your worst state, someone who was able to adapt to the intense waves that kept crashing your way. Someone who’d swim with you against the tides.

I sincerely hope you have someone right now…
Someone who has the initiative to check up on you, on how are you doing, how are you still holding up. Because of all people, they are the ones who know that you aren’t yourself for the past days, weeks, or a couple of months. They know how pretentious you can be in forcing yourself to say ‘I’m ok, I’m fine…” they see beyond your helpless facade and built up walls… They see beyond your fake smile and blurt out words… They see how broken you are, how helpless you are, how vulnerable you are and with that still decides to stay. They let you know that they aren’t going anywhere… They let you know that they still accept you no matter what transformation you’ve been going through.

I sincerely hope you have someone right now…
Because to be honest, I don’t want any other people to go through this shit that I have been experiencing. It’s worse than hell and chaos combined.
Saying that it’s hard is an understatement…
No friends, distant family, yet an ever-present God.

Yet here I go…
I can finally say and refute such claims that…
People who said they aren’t going anywhere?
People who said that they’d stay?
People who said that they got your back?

Such statements and promises were written in water
And gone with the wind.

~H
September 17, 2019
20:34pm

I had to hike again…

I had to hike to feel again.
These past few months have been very challenging. And I know for sure the coming days, weeks, and months won’t be that easy too.
.

.
I had to hike again, to feel the thundering heartbeat of mine, to remind me that it’s still striving, still beating, still fighting its will to live despite its flawed state.
.

.
I had to hike again, to feel the exhaustion slowly creep at me, to feel a different kind of exhaustion enough to give me a good night’s rest.
.

.
I had to hike again, to experience being breathless, to pause for a while and catch my breath as each climb took its toll on me.
.

.
I had to hike again, because finally, I wanted to be reminded how beautiful this world can be, how our great Maker is exceptionally good when it comes to things… That there’s a lot in store for me in this world, waiting for me to see it.
.

.
I had to hike again, to be immersed with nature, to remind me of my roots. Communing with nature is very therapeutic in nature because it brings you closer to home.
.

.
I had to hike again, because this time I wanted to be closer to the sky, to be closer to You, for a change, although I know You have always been there for me.
.

.
517+ MASL
Mt. Hapunang Banoi
| 08. 26. 19 |

~ H

Nauubos ba…

Nauubos

Nauubos ba ang luha?
Gaya ng pag-ubos ng mga tao sa aking presensya?

Nauubos ba ang luha?
Gaya ng pag-ubos ng aking kakaunting pag-asa?

Nauubos ba ang luha?
Gaya ng pag-ubos ng aking mga salita?

Nauubos ba ang aking mga salita?
Ang mga tuldok, sulat, at mga iba pang letra?

Nauubos ba ang mga salita?
Ang boses? Ang isip? Ang diwa?

Nauubos ba ang mga salita?
Walang katapusang katanungan at mga linya.

Nauubos ba ang pag-asa?
Abg pag-unawa, pag-timpi, at paniniwala?

Nauubos ba ang pag-asa?
Ang walang humpay na paghihirap at pagtiyatiyaga

Nauubos ba ang kalungkutan?
Na pilit nananakop at naninirahan.

Nauubos ba ang kalungkutan?
Gaya ng pag-ubos sa aking munting kapayapaan.

Nauubos ba ang problema?
Ang mga pagkukulang, pighati’t mga drama?

Nauubos nga ba ang mga ito?
Dahil kung tutuusin…
Kung aaminin…
Kung susuriin…

Ako’y ubos na ubos na.
Ni-isang patak, ni-isang butil, wala na.
Hindi lamang to basta’t kapaguran at kalungkutan.
Hindi lang to basta’t kakulangan sa kasiyahan at kapayapaan.

Siguro isa lang yung pinaka-hinihintay natin.
Na kumbaga, ay lahat naman tayo ay papunta doon.

Pinagkaiba lang siguro natin…
Mas gusto ko ng maunang maubos ng tuluyan.

Kailan nga ba mauubos ang buhay?
Kapag ba ito’y nakaratay na at may kasama ng lamay?

~H
August 21, 2019
02:29am